To ask if everything collapses at 40?

[GruandDrew]

I'm 40 next year and have never felt worse about myself. I've got serious acne on my shoulders and face. My pelvic floor has never recovered from childbirth. My waist has disappeared and I have a roll of fat over my jeans. My hair is flat. My eyes are like tissue paper.

I don't want to have sex with my H which is causing issues. He can be a total arsehole so that might be it. But I feel so uninterested in men in general

All I do is work, kids, work, kids. I work hard and try to do the whole 5am starts but can't be consistent. I've got debt and no savings. My life is to do lists and coffee and feeling gross. I can't break the cycle

I've never felt worse in myself!!! Pls help.

Why on earth are you trying to get up at 5am if you don't need to. I'd feel like shit too

I also definitely don't feel like this at 40 and I'm not the thinnest I've ever been. You really need to make time to look after yourself.

Drinking wine at night will mess up your sleep pattern. I'd suggest giving up the wine or limiting it to one glass, with lunch, at weekends. Also limit coffee to one a day and not after mid-afternoon.

Sympathy from me too OP

Funny I had lunch with a colleague yesterday and we covered - peri menopause, weight gain and similar!

You are not alone!!

I fall asleep every night at 8 usually. I can get 10 hours and still be tired! I tried the 5am club - once!!

I have been getting up at 4.45am for 20 years and I am 40.....nothing has collapsed yet!!!
Swap the wine for water/squash during the week and save the wine for a weekend treat.
Visit the GP about the acne and get the correct treatment for it.
Get yourself a nice thick facial moisturizer (usually marketed as 'night' cream) and use it on clean skin twice a day.
I agree with others that if the tooth is far back enough get it removed.
I mean this kindly but it doesn't sound like your problems are age related, more like 'you have let yourself go' (hate that phrase but you know what I mean!). A little bit of effort will give you some great results.

Take a look a the ordinary skincare range, they have recently launched a body care range.

Have a glass of wine as a treat at the weekend rather than every night. If you can't drink water, try herbal tea instead. You need to keep hydrated.

Take one step at a time though, you can't fix everything overnight!

Definitely drop the week day wine and the husband. If you want to be single then you can be. Don’t draw out a dead relationship. Start losing weight and you’ll feel better, calorie counting is the best way in my opinion and increase your steps.

40s can be a tough decade because of perimenopause - once oestrogen production becomes unstable, the brain produces a raft of other hormones to compensate that cause a wide variety of health and comfort problems.

I’d strongly advise educating yourself about it. There are great books now, and podcasts if you’ve no time to read. It’s a time to start making better decisions about lifestyle because you’ll feel the effects, good and bad, of every decision in a way you didn’t in your 20s.

The spare tyre is a tell tale sign that oestrogen is on the decline. Belly fat contains a type of oestrogen and your body is prioritising its stores. You won’t easily diet or exercise it away (although hrt can help) But it’s a good time to adopt a healthier, protein and calcium rich diet, and start exercising to build muscle and bone health for healthy aging.

It's not a line in the sand though. I think most actually has a point where either life or their genetics or a combination of both causes a sudden decline in health and appearance. I'm 48 and it's been the last 18 months for me. Some tough teen related stuff to deal with and probably peri and my eating habits are fucked. I don't eat crap I just don't eat proper meals and certainly have been drinking too much until recently. An extra one and half stone on top of the couple extra I always carried but didn't mind has pushed me into aching feet, under boob rashes, up a dress size. I barely ever look in the mirror and actively avoid catching my reflection in windows etc. I was in better shape as a recently divorced mother of toddlers for sure.
OP I do echo what others have said. Tackle one thing at a time, swap wine for gin or vodka and tonic if you can't or don't want to cut it out completely, then reduce the spirit til it's just tonic.
A vitamin plus water will help. If you start to feel better and more confident in yourself you may decide to address the bigger issue of your marriage. There are definitely worse things than being alone.

I don't feel like this in my 40's.

I'm overweight but that's been an issue my whole adult life. I get tired easily but that's been eased by increasing exercise which has helped with aches and pains.

I joined a fancy health club at a posh hotel at the start of the year and it's been very good for me. I've had to really work to carve the time out but I'm now doing body pump x 2 and swimming once a week. I'm stronger, fitter and my cholesterol has gone back to normal. I do a hair mask every week after swimming and have ten minutes in the jacuzzi (all at 7am mind to create the time)

I do drink but only when socialising. I think that helps. I eat loads of fruit and veg. I'm terrible with sugar hence the weight. My skin is nice through which I guess is helped by fruit and veg.

I have a dog so get plenty of fresh air. He is such a delight to me and has brought DH and I closer because we have something that doesn't cause any worry or stress I like our children!

My life is just work - kids but I'm mostly enjoying work, I'm in a senior position I secured 2.5 years ago that I've had my eye on for a long time. I try to work something nice into the running after kids... E.g, listening to my audiobook when driving them about.

I wish my house was tidier but you can only do so much.

You sound really down... your post suggests your husband is a big factor but that's also a big thing to change. I'd start by looking to make some small changes... find some easy to fit in hobbies, get some more fresh air, cut down on alcohol, spend more time with friends and less time with your husband, get some beauty items you can easily work into your day.

I hope things improve OP. In the longer term I think you are going to have to consider whether you want to stay in your marriage.

You've had some great advice on here, but one thing I've not seen......buy new jeans if you've got a roll over the top!

Clothes should fit you, not the other way round, and yes you don't want to just constantly buy the next size up then the next then the next, but body shape can change over time and even if you just temporarily buy a relatively inexpensive pair of jeans that don't give you a roll of fat over the top you're bound to feel better!!!

I'm 44 and have a rare disease and on the whole I'm not falling apart. Tired but not falling apart.

Some suggestions
Eat more protein
Strength train
Walk 7.5k-10k steps
Eat more fibre and micro nutrients from fruit and veg
Follow some people you admire
Personal one, getting my colours done professionally
Oral hygiene
Look after your senses - what you read, listen to, how you care for your skin, how you move etc., sleep for emotional regulation and memory etc., all needs a bit more intentional / conscious
Stretch routine
Get CBT for negative thinking

Dr Chaterjee books are good, Zoe Nutrition podcasts, Davina McCall is a good example. Anyone that focuses on positive mindset.

It doesn't all happen overnight, I've been making incremental changes since mid 30s. It's the foundation for your life in your 50s and beyond, so think long term. Consistency is key.

I would feel appalling and would hate my life if I drank wine (or any alcohol) every night. That’s expensive, hugely calorific, dehydrates you, makes you look and feel dreadful including your teeth, skin and hair, and it’s a depressant. Nearly every problem you’ve listed could be at least partly addressed by stopping that. Does your husband drink a lot too? Again, if me and my husband both drank all the time we’d be the worst versions of ourselves and hate each other. I’d focus on no alcohol and sleep first, and get yourself in the best place to tackle the debt and relationship issues.

Vitamin d, some weights (20 mins at home every other day), no drinking in the week, 7-8 hours sleep, good diet in the week. These things will help.

Stop drinking alcohol. You don't need it and it doesn't do you any favours as you get older. If you are using it as a crutch because of other issues, deal with them.

See the Dr for the health and skin stuff. You are most likely peri menopausal.

Address the problems with your husband. If you need to leave, do it sooner rather than later.

Sort the tooth out.

See a women's health physio for your pelvic floor issues.

Quit booze. Delete Instagram. Walk 10000 steps per day.

I'd say it's the wine that's the biggest issue.

Don’t feel downhearted OP - I think most of us can relate to how you feel and the advice on here is what’s helped to move out of it. You are not alone.

I don’t have anything new to say but would reiterate NO (OR VERY LOW) SUGAR and TONS OF WATER. Having felt like you, I did those two things a few months ago and by now I feel exponentially better and much more equipped to tackle more self-care now like a better diet and some form of exercise.

All of these things take discipline and willpower so you need to find your motivator or treat/bribe to get you through.

One thing at a time, honestly.

It's how I lost two stone & continued exercising regularly

The first thing I did was cut down the drinking. I've stopped altogether now, but i bought some nice soft drinks that were a treat instead of the wine.

You have to start looking after yourself.

Agree with PP, get the tooth removed. Worry about an implant later.

Definitely cut the wine out - treat yourself to posh squash, such as Rocks, instead.

Get the tooth removed- if it’s at the back no one will notice.

Start moving, even if it’s only dancing around the kitchen.

spend the wine money on some nice shampoo.

Im mid 50s and was a similar age when I decided to start taking care of myself. Now I feel fabulous, despite a few aches and pains.

I also began prioritising myself, and putting myself first. As Jillian Michaels says, if you’re not in a good position you can’t help others,

Good luck!

Start off by cutting out alcohol and prioritising sleep. I hate all the ‘get up at the crack of dawn and be productive’ crap.

How old are your kids? It could be more about being in the parenting trenches than turning 40.

I had a crumlbling tooth like this with the sharp but - for well over a year - I got it pulled out for £150 and it was the best day of my life. Dental problems are related to loads of other issues (I had the lecture from a friend and it was definitely persuasive). See if you can get your tooth pulled out. Also - when you’re up for giving it a go, try replacing the wine with something non-alcoholic - Annie grace’s ‘the alcohol is experiment’ is brilliant - gets you thinking about what booze is doing (or undoing) for you. Feeling better is cumulative and incremental so just do nice things for yourself whenever you decide to and it’ll grow.

Nobody is really doing a 5-9 as insta would have you believe.

I'd do less on your phone and no drinking because those are 2 things you dont have to do, rather than exercise or drinking water, which are things that require cognitive effort. Do you see what I mean? Not doing them doesn't ass to your TO DO list.

You could be peri. Or just generally in a cycle of doom because you aren't happy e.g. due to husband and wanting to split but feeling its out of your control.

I feel like this and it has only gotten worse for me. I’m now 48 and just feel like I’m pathetic and dying. My only reason to be is my children. My life is just stress from the moment I wake until bed, then sleepless nights. Life is shit and I often think I never signed up for this pressure. All the best op xx

A year ago I was drinking a big glass or two of wine most nights. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear ‘oh cut alcohol out it will make you feel so much better’ - I thought people were exaggerating. Then I did dry January and just carried on and very rarely have a drink while in the house anymore. I feel so much better for it. My skin cleared up for the first time in forever and now on the odd night that I have a glass of wine I feel more tired the next day.
I would say to start OP stop the alcohol, and get your steps in.