To ask if everything collapses at 40?

[GruandDrew]

I'm 40 next year and have never felt worse about myself. I've got serious acne on my shoulders and face. My pelvic floor has never recovered from childbirth. My waist has disappeared and I have a roll of fat over my jeans. My hair is flat. My eyes are like tissue paper.

I don't want to have sex with my H which is causing issues. He can be a total arsehole so that might be it. But I feel so uninterested in men in general

All I do is work, kids, work, kids. I work hard and try to do the whole 5am starts but can't be consistent. I've got debt and no savings. My life is to do lists and coffee and feeling gross. I can't break the cycle

I've never felt worse in myself!!! Pls help.

It’s fun - I’m 54 - I wake up with injuries from my sleep - usually a sore shoulder or knee!

last Saturday I roller painted 1 small wall - woke up with tennis elbow that’s still there!

and then there’s the mystery bruises 🙄

No, OP.
Everything starts.

My kids are 3 and 6. Older one has a learning disability.

Work is high pressure. I'm applying for new jobs and getting no where

Husband is unsupportive and distant. When he kisses me goodbye in the morning it feels so awkward!

I need to get my tooth sorted. My tongue is so sore! My teeth have been awful since kids really.

I start the day well - water, berries and flax seed, then I slowly get worse and worse until I'm half a bottle down and eating pringles by 9pm!!

I just want to echo everyone else in that I’m certain you will feel a million percent better if you ditch the wine!

I’m 41 with a newborn and a toddler and I feel better than this! I also drink wine most days, but only a little. I drink LOTS of water (the squash, get a bottle and monitor intake) I eat very healthily and not right now but generally I do small bits of exercise regularly. My point is small changes you might feel much better. No one ever regrets exercise. Seeing green space is supposed to be really good for mental health - could you fit a brisk walk in a park / countryside?

That sounds really hard - go easy on yourself. It's tough when kids are little.

I've slept better since I ditched the wine, and that in turn has a big effect on my food choices. When you're exhausted your body just wants the easy calories.

Avoiding carbs does WONDERS for skin complaints as it regulates hormones. My acne completely disappeared. It also helps reduce weight, especially around the middle.
Unfortunately wine has loads of carbs (but vodka doesn't so just drink a shot every half hour instead).

Honestly the thing that stood out to me was the arsehole husband. If your relationship and home life is unhappy, everything else will suffer - that's probably where the feeling shit, drinking wine etc. is all stemming from. It sounds like you are trying to treat the symptoms rather than the illness iyswim?

What's the story with him - are you in a position to leave? Do you want to?

OP I really feel for you - my kids are the same age and it is tough. You’ve had so much good advice on this thread and I’ve found it really inspiring, so thank you to the other posters.

I have a pretty bad late night snacking habit and the only thing that has worked is not having it in the house. I used to eat a bar of Lindt chocolate every night and now I don’t. I manage to avoid sugar during the day so when I cut that out it made a big difference. I lost a couple of kg, sleep better and have more energy. I think some people can manage moderation but for me I just have to go cold turkey. I think if I were you I’d try that with the wine to start with. You will see effects quickly and then won’t want to ho back. Good luck!

Been there. Started the change by wanting to be my best self again.
Go see Dr for checkup...
Make some small changes... less wine. Bit of exercise. Start losing weight. Self care.. nice hair and nails. If you respect yourself others will do same.
My self care also involved divorcing arsehole husbands but each to their own.
Now in my 60's and 4 stone lighter and fitter and happier than ever before...

I'm so gross. Falling apart. I would love to be single, 2 stone lighter, work a bit less, and just read books and garden. But instead I look like a state - slugging wine, looking at Instagram with crumbling teeth!!

But you are young!! Just 40 years old... Let me tell you, I'm 70 and life is good. I am super fit, very active and enjoy my life so very much. You can too! But you need to put in some effort, because if you don't change, nothing changes.

First, ditch the booze. No ifs, no buts. You will absolutely feel so much better, and you'll have the energy and the headspace to tackle everything else on your list.

Start eating healthily. Ditch sugar, refined
refined carbs and UPF. Eat lots of vegetables, moderate protein, some healthy fats and dairy. Two meals a day, no snacking other than a piece of fruit, a couple of carrots or a boiled egg if you're actually hungry. Your 2 stones will melt away in no time.

Start taking a daily multivitamin plus some vitamin D3 while you wait to see your GP. Ask for blood work to check whether you are deficient of iron or other essential minerals or vitamins. Also ask for a physio referral for your pelvic floor weakness.

Get your tooth sorted. Take out a loan or credit card or get it extracted.

Start exercising, even if it's just10 minutes a day. Check out Lucy Wyndham Read and Growingannanason YouTube. Do some stretches or jumping jacks or a plank while you're waiting for the kettle to boil.

Next look at Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies and get rid of your husband. That'll lighten your load no end!

It's quite a list but if you make a small change once or twice a week, you'll get there eventually. Whereas if you don't do anything, you'll still sit on the sofa, slugging wine and looking at Instagram, et cetera, a year from now. 2 years, 3, 4......

And one day you'll be 70. Be brave!! It's so worth it.

For the acne I can recommend Acnecide cream. It contains hydrogen peroxide though, so only put it on before bed and don't mind if your PJs get a bit bleached. I had hormonal acne on my jaw line and this really helped prevent breakout.

Intermittent fasting is also very good for skin, hair and feeling overall lively etc. It's made the biggest difference for me.

Regarding your tooth - unless you need an implant or something this seems excessive. Did you go to a city dentist or something? I crown (incl. prep etc) at my private dentist will come to £800. Get another quote elsewhere.

I’m same age and also feel like the wheels are coming off a bit. I’ve been trying to have a hot bath once a week to shave legs and improve circulation, put some nice moisturiser on afterwards. I think I could also do with a deep conditioning hair treatment (ideally a salon one although that feels crazy indulgent!). I think realistically you need to cut out the daily wine, you’re not 20 any more and that stuff has made me feel like crap for years. The 5am starts can be good for trying to stay on top of stuff but they won’t do your skin and hair any good as you sound exhausted. Easy win is a good multivitamin and some herbal teas.

Do you think it's because you had children later in life.
I ask because my friend had a baby at 22 and bounced right back she then had 2 more in her 40s and she didn't bounce back like she did in her 20s.
And sleep try not to start the day at 5am.
Tooth pain can make anyone miserable that' needs sorting.

First of all it is extremely common to feel this way at this age.

I think that there’s not enough awareness about the perimenopause so it’s a surprise when our bodies don’t react the way they used to. But at 40 your hormone levels are in decline. Low sex drive and exhaustion is super common at this age. And yeah, the weight gain and wrinkles.

There are lots of good ideas on this thread. But I would start by dealing with your tooth and cutting out alcohol at least 3 days a week. It’s a long road and don’t expect an overnight transformation but I think you will get to a position where you feel a lot better about yourself and your body than you do now.

I was in great shape at 40 but now I'm 50 and if I'm honest I would say this decade has not been kind in ageing terms. I look older, my hair has grey in it (which I colour but it is there), I have put on about a stone and my shape has changed, and some of my joints ache. And this is despite starting HRT, eating and exercising regularly, and sleeping well.

Some of my friends look better than ever though, and the things that seem to help are strict food control (fasting or avoiding carbs or going vegan - doesn't matter which), increasing exercise and adding weights, having lots of time and money for treatments, hair appointments, and personal trainers, and buying better clothes.

I don't have the resources for most of those things and I'm too lazy to do the rest so 🤷🏻

You need to ditch your DH OP.

When I was married to my EXDH my face was full of acne, my back seizing up regularly and I felt flabby.

That ended within weeks of him leaving.

As for the wine. That needs to go. Post 40 my body cannot deal with it. Plus, alcohol is a depressive and you need to be in a more positive headspace.

Hate to break it to you but 44 is the worst. Search Google and ageing science to find the study.

"I don't want to have sex with my H which is causing issues. He can be a total arsehole so that might be it. "

I think you have answered this part of the issue yourself.

As for the rest, I can only sympathise. I am 45 - 3 kids, work full time and struggle massively to take care of myself. What has helped me recently is trying to get back into regular exercise, quitting drinking (maybe not forever, but for now as it was causing me so many physical and emotional problems) and trying to set just a tiny bit of time aside each week for myself, whether that's an exercise class, a solo walk or some quiet time reading a book. I'm working on losing the excess weight too.

I don't think everything automatically falls apart, but you have to plan and work harder to keep things "together" (or as you want them), if that makes sense.

Has anyone suggested perimenopause yet?

I was like you before I started HRT. I still have the extra weight but I'm back to being myself again and it's a fucking delight!

Would recommend having a read around and/or speaking to your GP. ... Although mine dismissed me for being too young for 18 months so make sure you're well read first...

40 can certainly be a watershed, but you absolutely do not need 'lots of time and money for treatments, hair appointments, and personal trainers, and buying better clothes'. Using time and resources wisely can go a long way towards a healthy and active middle- and older age.

Like many women, I lost myself a little during the menopause. This was at a time when HRT was considered risky and it was a real struggle. I ended up spending my evenings on the sofa, drinking wine, eating ice cream, watching crap on TV.

You are absolutely right about eating healthily and exercising, including weight training. If you just start doing both, the rest will eventually follow. Once you have implemented a few changes, you'll start to feel more energetic and you'll be surprised at how much you can do.

Today I'm 70 and fitter than most women half my age. I found that all the lifestyle changes that so many seem to struggle with actually became very easy once I got used to them. These days you couldn't pay me enough to make me sit on the sofa eating/drinking crap - I'm too busy doing stuff that I actually enjoy and give my life meaning.

Pelvic floor physio mate! we don’t have to put up with a rubbish pelvic floor, it doesn’t have to be like that, there is a lot that can be done.

If you're having teeth problems, check vitamin D levels. It's easy to take a supplement. Vit D helps metabolism calcium and I've had more than one friend with teeth problems because their Vit D levels were low.

Have you had your B12 tested?? If not, please ask for a test x