To ask if everything collapses at 40?

[GruandDrew]

I'm 40 next year and have never felt worse about myself. I've got serious acne on my shoulders and face. My pelvic floor has never recovered from childbirth. My waist has disappeared and I have a roll of fat over my jeans. My hair is flat. My eyes are like tissue paper.

I don't want to have sex with my H which is causing issues. He can be a total arsehole so that might be it. But I feel so uninterested in men in general

All I do is work, kids, work, kids. I work hard and try to do the whole 5am starts but can't be consistent. I've got debt and no savings. My life is to do lists and coffee and feeling gross. I can't break the cycle

I've never felt worse in myself!!! Pls help.

How old are your kids? Mine are 5 and 2 and I feel like this too. Because my youngest still doesn't sleep properly and I work full time and don't have much time to exercise.

I've come to the realisation that there will ALWAYS be something else to do apart from looking after yourself. Working from home? Better hang up the washing during lunch break. Got 5 minutes after the school run? Take the bins out. And for the 45 minutes after the kids are asleep I am too brain dead to do anything but look at Mumsnet while we watch TV.

I guess the solution is prioritising yourself over others some of the time which feels inherently selfish but is the only way to keep hold of your health and your looks.

Dentistry should be at the top of your list as it's medical rather than cosmetic, but then yes small things like drinking water, getting your step count up, waxing your eyebrows, these things all make a difference.

I think the mindset shift has to happen first. Treat yourself like your own child. Put yourself first at least once a day ❤️

If you do anything at all, stop drinking. It’s a gamer changer. Your skin , mood, sleep, motivation and energy will improve. Not immediately but it will improve.

Drinking wine every night and getting up at 5am no wonder you are fed up and knackered!
one small change, cutting out the wine will do you the world of good

From what you say you need to reduce the drink (1-2 days per week max) eat a good diet, multi vitamin supplements, water to drink, simple skin care regime (Aldi products are fine), get your debts under control (stepchange is good if you need help, the spreadsheet self help if not too serious) and a trip to the gp to make sure you haven't got a vitamin deficiency etc.

It's possible to not only get through this blip but thrive, I was like you, now life is amazing (new man helps)

STOP looking at Instagram, seriously just delete the app, it’s a great first step to feeling better.

It’s fantastic you’ve already set yourself some goals - I would love to be single, 2 stone lighter, work a bit less, and just read books and garden.

Now all you need is an actionable plan to achieve them.

Be single - what’s stopping you? You need to just get on with it and remove/address any barriers you are facing.

2 stone lighter - cut out the wine for the time being, you’ll sleep better and you’ll eat better in general if you sleep better. If you really want a wine then stick to a glass 1-2 nights a week but just be aware it will affect your sleep quality. TRIP do adaptogenic soft drinks that are a nice alternative to alcohol and actually help you to sleep better. Address how many calories you are eating and remove all CRAP from the house. Eat 3 meals and 1-2 snacks a day. Include protein in each meal which will keep your blood sugars level and prevent cravings for CRAP. Start walking everywhere - with/without the kids. Walk when the kids are in bed (a walking pad in the house is great for this and for winter - they are not that expensive to buy). Buy a 500ml bottle and fill it 4 times a day, when you wake up and after each meal, aim to drink the full bottle before your next meal. Other exercise can come later.

Work a bit less - similar to being single workout what’s stopping you and address it.

Read books - read every night before bed it’ll help your sleep which in turn will help your diet, mood, energy levels - everything!!!

Garden - just do it!! Get the kids involved!!!

Im 42 OP and feeling quite good after feeling like shit from 40 with back pain, shit sleep, also crumbling teeth! I've dragged myself off daily wine, using lo/no booze substitutes and sparkling water from soda stream. I now drink when there's an occasion but have no easy access wine in the house. Sleep snd appearance have improved and I've lost weight. I bought a 10k kettle bell weight and do a bunch of squats, lunges, lifts or around the worlds with it most mornings while waiting for the kettle to boil. 5 mins max and I can see the difference plus back no longer hurts.

Spend on the tooth if you can. I sucked up the hit of £1k of dental work earlier this year and the difference is huge. Sore teeth get you down..

Finally, I've been eating more protein and even more important - fibre! Beans, lentils, whatever pulses i can get my hands on. Tinned stuff, nothing fancy. It's really helping my digestion.

I'm lazy as fuck and love my food and wine so these little easy changes work best for me.

I felt pretty rubbish late 30's early 40's but am now pushing 50 and feel amazing. You need to focus on you. With me it was putting everything into the kids. Carve out time for you and you DH. Don't eat crap. Exercise and make time for self care. I even bought myself a few new clothes off eBay. The kids will benefit too.

Could you look at that air-up drink bottle? I seems to help kids drink more.

Also I know an other poster means well suggesting juice but it’s mildly acidic and will cause more tooth decay over time. It really must be just water or tea or coffee.

Your tooth crumbling could be a sigh of low estrogen and calcium absorption. Tooth loss becomes more common in women as we age. Take this really seriously as it’s a warning sign of trouble further down the road.

University dental hospitals will sometimes do free treatment. It’s worth calling any number you can find online to see if they may be able to help you for free.

Unfortunately good quality dentistry is extremely expensive.

Stop drinking wine at night. This would be your biggest change in feeling good again, alcohol is so draining when it becomes habitual and nightly like this. Instead of being fun it slowly starts to incapacitate you to the point of lethargy and numbness.

You may be drinking because if your DH and the whole situation. Is there any budget for counselling?

The money you save on wine could be put towards counselling.

Often when we’re down in the dumps it’s at times like this that paid professionals can make all the difference. Personal trainer, counselling, a good dentist.

You need overall help to get out of the rut.

the middle tyre is also a sign of changing hormones and decline overall. You say you eat well but I hear a lot of people say that.

Go to the doctor at ask for a well person check up. Ask for ferritin and b12 as you’ve been feeling very tired. They should run a battery of blood tests to check everything. You can request this on the nhs once you reach 40.

Look at the Zoe nutrition channel on YouTube, a ton of free advice on there.

Finally look at Caroline Girvan’s Iron series on YouTube.

30 mins x 5 per week. Start with body weight only if it’s too hard, you will start to notice a difference if you’re consistent, really quite quickly. Join the Facebook group and see the amazing results and quit sodding Instagram. 5am starts are only worth it for a Caroline Girvan workout on my opinion. Otherwise good sleep is your friend!

Training hospitals do free fillings.

I agree that you need to stop drinking wine “most evenings”. Save it for the weekends at least. I would have horrendous, skin crawling anxiety (also around 40) if I drank wine every day.

Get the tooth out. You will always feel run down if you have a bad tooth.

Speak to the GP about skin and pelvic floor, you probably need to be referred to a physio

The best thing I ever did for myself was cut back on drinking and I do not miss it because I got my energy and myself back. I hated being 40 but I love being 44 now for this main reason. I wasn’t adding to my life by keep drinking it wasn’t reliving any stress and it wasn’t a reward anymore. I reached out to an online stop drinking coach and had a few sessions - it wasn’t AA (I will try find out I think it was my local mental health service advertised on their website an alcohol service) and she just chatted to me and we set some goals and I felt like I had no judgement and over a few weeks I cut down more and more until now, I really just don’t miss it or think about it. I did replace it with exercise, mostly walking.

My skin completely changed! I do use collagen serum from boots but I look very different with no alcohol. My hair and nails grow nicer now too and I get good sleep.

believe in yourself ❤️

If you are dehydrated - which you are - your body holds onto fluids and you put on weight, you need to drink water or diluted juice. Try to drink 2-3 litres a day. I have 4 x 500ml bottles of water on my desk and aim to drink them before I leave work. I think the smaller bottles make it easier to drink as it doesn't look that much. Anything I drink after that is a bonus. Your body needs hydration to work properly, I know because I was you.

Try to cut down on the wine - this is contributing to everything going on, your skin, your libido, your waist, hair, eyes.

Start having 1 night less a week on the wine. Instead of having wine go for a walk round the block. And walking is one of the best exercises for weightloss. Combine this with a little less wine and a lot more water and you will start to notice the difference.

Debts, have a look on the step change website for help.

And most of all take some time for yourself. My OH says I'm like a teenager sometimes cause I spend so much time in my bedroom. It's like my 'safe place', i disappear up there to binge watch repeats of old shows, sit and read, give my self a pamper session/face mask or just lay there and be quiet. I have nice throws, cushions and blankets and I can relax up there and most importantly - close the door.

I’m 45 and don’t feel like this… You’re probably not going to want to hear this @GruandDrew but you need to cut down on the daily drinking! I used to drink every day but after DM died, I had a period of reevaluation and made some changes having hit the bottle a bit too hard… I now only drink at the weekends, and I’ve started to volunteer to drive at least half the time ie I’m driving tonight to have supper with friends and to the cinema Sunday night. I lost half a stone without even trying just from reducing the alcohol intake. Also means fewer hangovers which need delicious carbs 🤣🙈.

I love having beer and wine in the evening. Love the taste, love the feeling. I feel shit the next day now and knew I needed to drink on fewer days so the last four-six weeks or so have really reduced how much I am drinking and how often. The most noticeable change is to my skin, my face is less puffy, brighter and more 'elastic'. My eyelids looked droopy after a lot of alcohol! I am 39 and my skin is quite nice but reducing alcohol and early made me look better. It really is such a simple change.

And yes, if you are not enjoying getting up at 5am stop it!

I'm a touch older and don't feel like you do.
I'd seriously stop the wine every night, I love wine but limit it to weekends only or I feel dreadful.
I keep my hair cut, I get fresh air every day and make sure I am eating ok.
See the gp about your acne. Take small steps but start to look after you! You'll feel better

Alcohol is the worst thing for women ( apart from cigarettes which make your skin 8 years older than it actually is). It's full of empty, pointless calories that sit right on your belly. It also wrecks your sleep, mucks up your skin and robs you of a productive evening ( that would mean you didn't have to get up at 5 am).
Exercise. It's fine once you start so make yourself just start. You really will feel so much better afterwards. If you drop the booze and pick up exercise ( I do Fabulous 50s on you tube. Works brilliantly for me at 59 but there are millions of options out there. The point is to do something you can face doing several times a week . Consistency is key) you will notice a change within a month. Then you can add another change and then another. Gardening is brilliant for the soul. It saved me after my father died. Put yourself first for a bit. It's allowed.

In answer to your question, no, 40 is not an age at which the wheels come off, as long as you’re in good health generally. I was at my slimmest, strongest and most toned in my mid-40s - I felt brilliant and I’d have that body back in a heartbeat.

But in your case I don’t think this is 40 thing, OP, it’s a shit life thing.

You sound exhausted, broke, stressed and unsupported by your ‘occasional arsehole’ of a husband. Fixing your teeth or having a haircut won’t change any of that.

Physical fitness and a feeling of wellbeing depends more than anything on being able to carve time out for yourself to then do whatever benefits you most, whether that’s going to the gym or getting your nails done (or just going for a run and having a nice bath if money’s an issue). In your situation my priority would be to look for ways of creating that time. I hope you can.

I think your first stop should be the GP for blood tests (esp thyroid, iron and vit D) plus advice about your pelvic floor. So many women struggle on with pelvic floor problems and just accept it but there is lots that can be done. Depending on the issue you may be referred to a women’s health physio- would hugely recommend this (and if private is affordable for you then I’d do that if necessary).

Cutting out alcohol will make a huge difference too.

Things shouldn’t all go wrong at 40 but it is an age where you have to take active steps to look after your health and fitness, unlike being 20 when it doesn’t take much thought. The sooner you start, the better.

First and foremost, get rid of the arsehole. You won't have any libido with a man you don't like or respect. Once you've done this, you may find that you don't feel the need to drink wine every evening.

If you've serious toothache, call NHS 111 and they'll find you an emergency NHS appointment. You may have to travel a bit!

When you're single and more settled, you can start thinking about looking after yourself better. Without the wine, your skin will look better, and you'll shift a bit of weight. Get to the GP for the acne.

I'm mid fifties, and more settled in my head than I've ever been. I'm single by choice, and happily so. You're so so young with loads of years ahead of you, that have the potential to be wonderful. Go and grab them!

It's not inevitable, I'm 52 and feel really good. No weight gain and probably the fittest I've been in my life. I'd ditch the nightly wine and the 5am starts (why would you do that to yourself?).

I'd also get a plan to sort out the tooth - dental problems are miserable.

How old are the kids? I found everything got easier once children were older.

Thank you for all this advice!

I used to smoke like a chimney for 15 years. Haven't had a cigarette in 7 years but it seriously aged me! Ppl often think I'm older than I am. I did try botox but it's so expensive!

Now I think its too late!

I will definitely cut out the booze then. I have stopped for a couple of weeke before and do feel better. I just have such shitty days at the moment I always justify it to myself in my head. I keep doing the same things over and over.

I haven't exercised in years. I'm not sure I ever have consistently as an adult

Bless you ❤️ there are a lot of good suggestions on here to make things better for you. I should get shot of the lousy husband though!

I turned 40 this year. In the past 12 months I’ve lost 3 stone, taken up strength training, given up alcohol and been promoted. I feel better than I have in years! I have 3 kids, one of whom is disabled, and I decided I wanted to feel better about myself so that I could be the active, non grumpy parent that they deserve. So no, I don’t think it’s all downhill, you just need to make some changes.

Op I was 40 last week. I was up last night every couple of hours with night sweats and sat at work today with the neck and shoulder aching.
I've also been quite down about 40

This gives me hope!