'i would die for my kids' ..but would people really?!

[ShouldIGoHigher]

Had a very interesting discussion today with my mum and wondered other peoples thoughts.

We were talking about how a lot of people say 'i would die for kids' as a testament of how much they love their children but don't actually mean it or really think about what that actually means and actually.. wouldn't.

So in my mind if someone says they would die for them I take that to mean there's nothing on this earth they wouldn't do for them and to keep them safe.
But then so many people say that but yet won't do basic things for their DC if it's at an inconvenience to themselves let alone put themselves in harms way.

Several examples of this from minor to more extreme.

A work colleagues mum and dad wouldn't watch their grandchildren so my colleague could attend a mammogram for possible cancer. They didn't want to use up annual leave for it. Colleague had to postpone to appointment and unfortunately did have cancer. Of course her parents have said 'i wish I could trade places with you!' ..but they wouldn't even use a leave day for a scan?!

A more extreme example, one of my closest childhood friends has recently left an extremely violent man. She took years of absolute hell from him including violent sex attacks. He battered her in the end and caused lifelong injuries.
Before the final attack she had left him. Her parents new all the ins and outs and saw the bruises. When she left they gave all the lip service of he's a bastard and evil etc. gave her praise for leaving. But the police wouldn't do anything to keep her safe. She kept saying she was worried he was going to come and kill her and he said he would. They saw him say it and knew he was capable. Yet.. they did nothing. Didn't want to get involved and instead gave moral support. I understand this for a friend but your own child?!
In the end he did find her and he absolutely battered her.

My mum knows this friend and her family well and the was aghast at the lip service of how they could say in one breath 'id die for my kids' and in the next sit back and watch their daughter's life be under threat.
She said if it were me or my siblings in that situation with the police unable to help then she would've moved into my house during this period of threat or is with her, without question. Then been prepared to spend the remainder of her days behind bars or dead herself than let him lay a hand on her children.
I honestly believe her and know she would. But then when I think of my kids, I know id do the same. I could definitely make peace with going to prison for the rest of my days for my children's life. How can you say your prepared to literally die for your kids but not go to prison to protect them?

There's also people who say they'd die for their kids but yet they'd not help them financially when they themselves are rich and kids are on the breadline etc.

Do these people genuinely believe it when they say it?
What do they actually mean?

Am I being unreasonable when I say loads of people don't truly mean it when they say it?

YABU - parents do mean it
YANBU - it's lip service because it sounds good to a lot of people.

I'd sacrifice everything even if I had nothing left

If it was a choice between me and my children then I'd put them first always

Fortunately very very few of us will ever have to actually give up our lives for our children but I do think people think differently when their children are little versus when they are older and adults. perhaps some of the examples where parents haven't helped out has been when the child is an adult and so there is an expectation that they can look after themselves eg financially

I think it's a meaningless phrase because realistically when are you going to be in that situation? They are all such unlikely scenarios - being a hostage, donating an organ (I can't imagine any ethics board would approve a heart transplant from a living donor!)

It's like that Bruno Mars song where he promises all kinds of ways that he would supposedly die for this girl he likes, none of which will ever happen, and whines that she won't do things for him (probably wash his crusty socks or shag him, ew)

I don't think it's meaningless. There's fewer things in life I have ever felt so certain about. Do you not feel that?

When my son was a baby he was attacked by a dog while he sat in his pram in a playground. I'm scared of dogs (and this one was scary) but without a moment's hesitation I ran ag the dog, screaming at it, and wrestled it off my son with my bare hands. Obviously I didn't die, and actually we were both okay, but in that moment I would have done literally anything to protect my little boy.

Yes, you could be right. My kids are tiny, so I can't think of them as adults. I don't know how I'll feel as they grow older, but I know that right now I would do anything for them.

I think your OP is confusing two things as some others have said - I believe a lot of people would risk themselves for their DC eg running into a burning building or other extreme scenarios stated but that is not the same as putting DC first daily.

The cancer scenario - it is possible the parent meant that they'd rather themselves than their child but they still might not be great at childcare.

also agree with comments that it may be different when DC are children v adults

No. I only live once.

Yes if it came to it then of course. If there were some freak situation where either they die or me then I would always choose me.

However that does not mean I would do anything for them. That is a very different proposition. Indeed there are some very mundane things that I might not do for them.

My PIL often say they'd die for my DC and I want to say to them (but never do) that it's not necessary at all, but if they wanted to live a bit more for them they could always go out for walks, eat a little healthier and give up all the junk food and be alive and healthier longer which DC would benefit from a lot more.

I think they just like to say it a lot.

It annoys me that they don't do the little things we ask for DC while alive, like ask DC how they are when you see them, don't just ask if they've missed you or noticed you were away 🙄.

Too easy to say I'll die for you but not to actually do the caring things needed.

I can't say that I do, TBH. I'm sure that I would take risks to ensure their safety if it came down to that, but it's not really something I think about often.

It does reflect on how much a person cares for their child, if your daughter is asking for support, so she can go for mammogram, she obviously hasn’t got anyone else to ask.In this situation both her parents, couldn’t help, due to work commitments? Both of them couldn’t change there arrangements that day, l find that hard to believe.Again if your child is really struggling financially and the parent(s) are not, it’s not ‘bailing them out’ it’s understanding it’s not easy for younger people today, if you’re in a position to help, meaning you can comfortably do so, that’s just being a parent surely.

Why do people think losing your parents young is worse than death?

My dad died when I was young, two of my best friends died young from cancer. One left behind a 23 month old, one an 11 yo. Those kids are amazing. They are thriving.

@Josette77 maybe from the outside it looks like they're thriving but perhaps they're really struggling with it, how could you possibly know? Just because losing a parent young didn't affect you doesn't mean that's the same for everyone. I dare say many parents look like they're "thriving" after losing a child too. Doesn't mean that's really the case.

I never said it didn't affect me. He overdosed. Of course it affected me! I was placed into care.

I'm just saying that lots of things can happen in life that are horrible. We don't know. Our kids could suffer immense tragedy. That doesn't mean we end their lives.

We know they will suffer in life and we hope they will have enough beautiful moments to make it all worth it.

I wouldn't let my son die because there is still hope for him.

Doesn't mean they'd rather be dead, or that I'd want to make that guess.

I’ve been the daughter leaving the abusive husband @ShouldIGoHigher. The aftermath of my marriage wasn’t as horrendous as your poor friend, but my exH had been physically abusive during our marriage including beating me around the head and giving me a black eye. He cleaned out our joint account of tens of thousands of dollars, I had to live with him for 3 months after separation during which time he terrorised me and our kids including spitting in my face. My parents did absolutely nothing to help me - they knew it all - still greeted him like a long lost friend when they saw him, never offered me or the kids a room or any financial assistance (“you’re so independent”) once witnessed him kicking off at me and the kids on Christmas day and actually left our house as it was “awkward”. My mum lobbied for us to get back together for ages and texted him behind my back.

I’ll never forgive them and I was 41. I don’t think you ever get over being betrayed like that by the people who are meant to protect you, regardless of how old you are. I’m currently on speaking terms as my father is drying of cancer but I keep them very much at arm’s length. I can honestly say I would put myself in harm’s way to protect my kids, because I have. If my daughter called me and told me her husband was hitting her I would be round there within 5 minutes with a moving van and a police officer. The thought of it makes me feel enraged. I can’t understand how any parent could feel otherwise.

@Endoftheroad12345 that's appalling. You're a bigger person than me for being in contact. I'm truly sorry you were dealt such a poor hand when you got them as parents.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think perhaps when the child is young they might adjust better. I lost my dad fairy young but I was an adult, I definitely didn't thrive afterwards or ever since really. If I'd lost him at say 8 I'd probably be fine though, I doubt I'd even remember him and not having a dad would just be normal. Personally I don't care about beautiful moments but I definitely don't want to suffer.

I’ve never said that I’d die for my kids out loud, but I was put in a situation where there was a fire in a hotel. They’d put me on a high floor, and although it was requested, they hadn’t put a fire escape plan in place for me as a wheelchair user. It was a few months after Grenfell, so I knew exactly how much potential danger I was in. I literally got my husband to escape with the young kids and leave me there in the full knowledge if the fire got out of control the fire brigade might not reach me in time.
I’m obviously safe, apart from traumatising my husband to the point that now whenever we check in he requests the evacuation procedure in case of fire if we can’t be on the first floor and of course, we’re never going back to that hotel.

I do wonder if that instinct gets weaker as we get older and our children become adults with families of their own, but I have teenagers and have zero doubt that I’d make the same decision today. Whether the kids would let me make that decision is another matter as they are just as stubborn as their mother!

@Tuddlepops you would never think they were bad people to meet them and they would consider themselves very loving parents. They have always been chaotic and unreliable and I just accepted it.

It’s not really surprising that the child of selfish and unreliable parents would end up in a relationship with a selfish abusive man, and then said selfish and reliable parents fail to show up for their child when needed!! A pretty predictable pathway I imagine.

One thing I hammer into my kids is that I am ALWAYS on their side, if they are in trouble they are to call me, if they need a bolthole I will always have space for them, I will always come and get them. That, more than “I’d take a bullet for you” (statistically v unlikely 😂) is what kids need to hear to feel safe and loved.

@Endoftheroad12345 absolutely. My adult dcs know I'm there for them at all times. I just think some people really shouldn't have dcs. I hope they weren't too bad when you were younger? Do you have siblings?

I would literally die to save my children and would absolutely done all I can to protect them in the situations you mentioned.

I think people imagine extreme life or death scenarios when they say this.

The parents in the cancer situation probably told themselves it's probably not cancer or assumed she would find an alternative child care. If someone had said to them she will die if she doesn't get this appointment they would have done it. It's that complacency we all have every day until something happens.

The other example, I have no words.

I think there's a difference between refusing to do little things for your kids and refusing to do big things.

For example, if I had a teenage child who was a picky eater and refused to eat what I cooked but also expected me to make something else for them every night when they were perfectly capable of doing it themselves, I wouldn't do that.

But there is nothing I wouldn't do to keep them safe and healthy, and not many things I wouldn't do to give them a good education.

The examples in your OP are shocking.

Well it isn't our experience of our families... They never offer any help! But I don't doubt that they love us.

Weirdly @Tuddlepops I remember a very happy childhood - pre about 10. As I grew up things became financially much more precarious (or I became more aware of it) and I realised how unreliable my parents were. Into adulthood I stayed with exH (I met him at 20 and left him at 41) because I knew I had nowhere to go and after having kids I couldn’t afford to leave without seriously destabilising their lives (as in I would have been forced to leave the family home with a baby and a 4 y.o and nowhere to live).

I have felt so angry about how they let me down - almost angrier at them than my exH to be honest. You expect better from your parents.

What gets me is that when my sister’s first marriage broke down in the first year - bc he had cheated - my dad flew to another city to accost him in his office and tell him off!!!

What I have observed leaving an abusive marriage is that domestic abuse is completely and utterly minimised and dismissed. I stayed for so long, I’m a very senior professional, I never gave a sign anything was wrong, I’m very confident and assertive in my normal life, he’s quiet and reserved. I think most people don’t really believe he’s capable of assaulting his wife and children, or if he did I must have caused it somehow.

I am actually ok and doing well I think but I often think how lucky I am - if it happened to me it must happen to so many women, and very few have the career that I have that has provided a life raft.