'i would die for my kids' ..but would people really?!

[ShouldIGoHigher]

Had a very interesting discussion today with my mum and wondered other peoples thoughts.

We were talking about how a lot of people say 'i would die for kids' as a testament of how much they love their children but don't actually mean it or really think about what that actually means and actually.. wouldn't.

So in my mind if someone says they would die for them I take that to mean there's nothing on this earth they wouldn't do for them and to keep them safe.
But then so many people say that but yet won't do basic things for their DC if it's at an inconvenience to themselves let alone put themselves in harms way.

Several examples of this from minor to more extreme.

A work colleagues mum and dad wouldn't watch their grandchildren so my colleague could attend a mammogram for possible cancer. They didn't want to use up annual leave for it. Colleague had to postpone to appointment and unfortunately did have cancer. Of course her parents have said 'i wish I could trade places with you!' ..but they wouldn't even use a leave day for a scan?!

A more extreme example, one of my closest childhood friends has recently left an extremely violent man. She took years of absolute hell from him including violent sex attacks. He battered her in the end and caused lifelong injuries.
Before the final attack she had left him. Her parents new all the ins and outs and saw the bruises. When she left they gave all the lip service of he's a bastard and evil etc. gave her praise for leaving. But the police wouldn't do anything to keep her safe. She kept saying she was worried he was going to come and kill her and he said he would. They saw him say it and knew he was capable. Yet.. they did nothing. Didn't want to get involved and instead gave moral support. I understand this for a friend but your own child?!
In the end he did find her and he absolutely battered her.

My mum knows this friend and her family well and the was aghast at the lip service of how they could say in one breath 'id die for my kids' and in the next sit back and watch their daughter's life be under threat.
She said if it were me or my siblings in that situation with the police unable to help then she would've moved into my house during this period of threat or is with her, without question. Then been prepared to spend the remainder of her days behind bars or dead herself than let him lay a hand on her children.
I honestly believe her and know she would. But then when I think of my kids, I know id do the same. I could definitely make peace with going to prison for the rest of my days for my children's life. How can you say your prepared to literally die for your kids but not go to prison to protect them?

There's also people who say they'd die for their kids but yet they'd not help them financially when they themselves are rich and kids are on the breadline etc.

Do these people genuinely believe it when they say it?
What do they actually mean?

Am I being unreasonable when I say loads of people don't truly mean it when they say it?

YABU - parents do mean it
YANBU - it's lip service because it sounds good to a lot of people.

I am probably being very British and uptight about this.
I think a lot of parents would die or kill for their kids, in extreme situations.

But they shouldn't go on about it, or use it as an habitual catchphrase.
I put it in the same category as swearing something on “my kid's life”
Just something not right about it. Performative, maybe.

And I agree that it is far harder to live for your kids.

And the evidence across history and across every culture is the despite all the 'I'd die for my kids' actually, when it really comes down to it, we save ourselves. On an evolutionary basis, I'm sure it's the sensible choice and that's why our instinct is self preservation at all cost.
I actually think the fact that, in reality, we won't even give up smoking for them, says a lot more that 'I'd die for my kids' does.

Yes, it’s a weird MN dynamic. Be glued to your children for the early years and then when they’re 18, charge them rent or kick them out and don’t offer support or help.

I would give my life to save the life of my children. I also wish I could take away the health disorder that my adult daughter has now and take it for myself instead. They have hopefully more life to live than me so, I would go first.

Obviously, we all hope it will never happen as my kids may be adults, but they would be distraught without me.

I’d die for my kids, absolutey no doubt.

I don’t want to die, I’d prefer us both to survive but if my death meant their survival I wouldn’t hesitate.

My DC are still quite young, I don’t know if this changes when they become adults.

I agree. It’s the same sort of people who say that they would rather starve so that they could feed their dog.

OK then 🙄 You do you but I’d eat the dog if I had to 😜

I would die for my child. Absolutely. But YANBU as I see various people do properly shitty things to their kids. It's not that complex really

If an acquaintance needed a babysitter so they could have tests to potentially diagnose cancer I would help them out if work would let me take the time off, let alone if it was my own child.

When I found a lump in my breast my parents came with me for the ultrasound scan and biopsy. My DGM died from breast cancer, so maybe that influenced their decision. Thankfully all was well, but I can't imagine choosing saving leave and potentially delaying someone who I cared about's diagnosis.

I went into a burning house to try and save my neice unfortunately the smoke was just too thick and I couldn't breathe luckily she was reached by a policeman and then ressutated.
I have given my children all my savings on many occasions to help them out, and yes I would die for them as they are my world even though they are adults with their own families, they are the reason my heart beats.

I would literally die for my kids that is true. I have gone beyond my own selfishness to give them as much of my energy, love, time and money as I can but you're not wrong. Many parents say it but clearly don't mean it.

I think there are some remarkably silly claims on this thread from people who, like the rest of us, have absolutely no idea whether we would risk death to save our children. Some parents do this, yes, absolutely, when push comes to shove. Some parents kill their own children in murder suicides (Alan Hawes killing Clodagh Hawes, his wife, and their sons before killing himself, and was lauded as a ‘great family man’ at his funeral) or ‘honour- killings’, or wave them off to be suicide bombers.

I often reflected on this OP, even though I feel I would stand in front of a train for my child.

Nobody knows what they'd do when faced with a choice like that, so bleating on about how you'd definitely die for your children and anyone who wouldn't is a heartless bitch is all pretty meaningless, really.

It also becomes more complicated if you have other children who would potentially then be left without a parent were you to sacrifice yourself.

There's also no guarantee that your death would save anyone's life anyway.

Yes, I agree, none of us know what we would actually do, and most likely it is save ourselves as instinct kicks in. I'm sure all the parents who have faced this real choice, and saved themselves, if they'd been asked before would have said 'I'd 100% die to save my kids'.
The human race is tens of thousands of years old and our ancestors would have faced this real choice much more often then us. They chose to save themselves and if they hadn't their children probably wouldn't have survived without them anyway and we wouldn't exist. That instinct runs deep.

I think that it's kind of true. Many parents would instinctively use themselves as a human shield if their child was threatened with a gun. And many parents would prefer not to go on living than to see their child die and have to go on without them. But it doesn't mean that they would do literally anything to make their child happy in other contexts, nor should they.

I had an operation for my child - does that count? She has spina bifida and was operated on before birth. For me that meant all the risks of major abdominal surgery, up to and including death, without (in the surgeon's words) "any direct benefit to myself". Obviously the benefit was to give my child the best possible chance - if we'd left the operation until after birth she would have been paralysed from the waist down, and definitely in a wheelchair, having gone for fetal surgery we're currently working on getting her to stand (with splints/foot support).

All the posters saying you'd die for your kids - how does that work if you have multiple children? What if both were at risk? Of what if dying for one child left all your other children without a parent, or even left them as orphans?

There's also the fact that you could die "for nothing" as you risking your life is no guarantee that your child would survive anyway 🤷‍♀️

The abusive partner scenario, what realistically could the mother have done? Highly doubt she'd be able to physically defend her DD from a grown man.

You also have to wonder about the years before the daughter finally left this violent man. How many times had she taken him back and left her parents swinging in the breeze?

If someone had a gun pointed at my DC, I wouldn’t hesitate in jumping in front of them. Likewise, if a car was about to hit my DC I wouldn’t hesitate in pushing them out of the way and taking the hit. If they, heaven forbid, had a serious illness and someone offered to let me swap places, I would in a heartbeat. It’s all hypothetical of course but I know it’s something I would do because I know how I have felt when one child was sick in hospital, I would have truly done anything to be in their place.

Not all parents feel this way. I undertook research into the Holocaust for the uni I lecture at and found numerous testimonies of parents who had let their children go to the gas chamber without them so they could survive.

Congratulations, you get my award for most stupid comment of the day 🏆

On a slightly different note I remember after the boxing day tsunami a newspaper columnist wrote that her child asked her which of her 2 children she would save in those circumstances given she would have to hold on to something with one hand to stop being swept away and that only left one hand for a couple of children

I have three children, and I have generally upset myself to the point of tears thinking about what I would do if I had to get us all out of danger but could only use my two hands. I just have to stop thinking about it because it's so upsetting to me! See also: the reason why I've never watched Sophie's Choice.

It blows my mind that some people wouldn't die for their kids! I wouldn't hesitate a second!

I can’t imagine losing any of my children. It would be far easier to put myself in front of a train than to go on without them.

my children are young adults now but losing one of them is still my greatest fear. I know I’m going to die one day, I don’t want it to be anytime soon but don’t take any of my kids

I woukd put myself in danger to save my kids, absolutely. Maybe in your first example the parents were in denial that it would be cancer so thought their annual leave was more important?
One of my Ds's friends in primary school lost her ddad because he swam out to sea when he saw her older brother getting into trouble. The brother survived as he managed to pull him out of a current but he got caught up himself and sadly died. The woman who's son was thrown of the Tate Gallery terrace had to be pulled back from.clìmbing over herself to rescue him. That is what I understand by the saying. Of course there are people who will put their kids in danger just to keep abusive partners but that is not tolerated or approved of.

More modestly, I know plenty of folk who are all over social media and have a massive public persona all about #family #mammabear and gushing about how much they love their dc.

Won't take them to clubs, wouldn't treat them when they had nits, won't put themselves out to drive literally 5 mins to drop essential items when they're with the other parent (eg school shoes, homework planner etc, personal to the kid and not within the other parent's ability to sort).

They're the ones who really piss me off.

My dd is undergoing investigations for a brain tumour - I'd swap places with her in a heartbeat.

I think a lot of those saying they would just haven't realised how much instinct takes over. Yes you would like to this you would but in a split second decision you're entirely reliant on instinct which you cannot predict.