'i would die for my kids' ..but would people really?!

[ShouldIGoHigher]

Had a very interesting discussion today with my mum and wondered other peoples thoughts.

We were talking about how a lot of people say 'i would die for kids' as a testament of how much they love their children but don't actually mean it or really think about what that actually means and actually.. wouldn't.

So in my mind if someone says they would die for them I take that to mean there's nothing on this earth they wouldn't do for them and to keep them safe.
But then so many people say that but yet won't do basic things for their DC if it's at an inconvenience to themselves let alone put themselves in harms way.

Several examples of this from minor to more extreme.

A work colleagues mum and dad wouldn't watch their grandchildren so my colleague could attend a mammogram for possible cancer. They didn't want to use up annual leave for it. Colleague had to postpone to appointment and unfortunately did have cancer. Of course her parents have said 'i wish I could trade places with you!' ..but they wouldn't even use a leave day for a scan?!

A more extreme example, one of my closest childhood friends has recently left an extremely violent man. She took years of absolute hell from him including violent sex attacks. He battered her in the end and caused lifelong injuries.
Before the final attack she had left him. Her parents new all the ins and outs and saw the bruises. When she left they gave all the lip service of he's a bastard and evil etc. gave her praise for leaving. But the police wouldn't do anything to keep her safe. She kept saying she was worried he was going to come and kill her and he said he would. They saw him say it and knew he was capable. Yet.. they did nothing. Didn't want to get involved and instead gave moral support. I understand this for a friend but your own child?!
In the end he did find her and he absolutely battered her.

My mum knows this friend and her family well and the was aghast at the lip service of how they could say in one breath 'id die for my kids' and in the next sit back and watch their daughter's life be under threat.
She said if it were me or my siblings in that situation with the police unable to help then she would've moved into my house during this period of threat or is with her, without question. Then been prepared to spend the remainder of her days behind bars or dead herself than let him lay a hand on her children.
I honestly believe her and know she would. But then when I think of my kids, I know id do the same. I could definitely make peace with going to prison for the rest of my days for my children's life. How can you say your prepared to literally die for your kids but not go to prison to protect them?

There's also people who say they'd die for their kids but yet they'd not help them financially when they themselves are rich and kids are on the breadline etc.

Do these people genuinely believe it when they say it?
What do they actually mean?

Am I being unreasonable when I say loads of people don't truly mean it when they say it?

YABU - parents do mean it
YANBU - it's lip service because it sounds good to a lot of people.

Same here. So yes I mean it. I don't say it out loud or hear it often though. The examples you gave are horrendous op. But I think when it comes to it, yes most parents feel the same way as above.
The issue is, pushing your kid out of the cars way and dieing as a result is a split second instantaneous decision which most parents would make. Other examples, we don't know the details, the back story, and thus things aren't often as clear cut.
But yes on the whole being a parent, most do mean it I believe.
Do you have kids op?

Would you die for your children is the question, l don’t believe most would.There are examples here on the thread, their children are adults, attitude being, they’ve made their bed, they have to get on with it, even when they could support, their child in some way, they don’t.I’m talking about really awful situations, their children are in, there are parents who just don’t want to know.
So if this is the case, l’m doubtful most parents would die for their children, if they’re not even prepared to do the basics of being a parent.
I am a parent, l’ll always do everything l possibly can, it doesn’t matter how old they get.

I've got out of bed in the middle of the night to drive 2 hours because my DD really needed her Mum. Hell, I've even flown to another country, last minute, because she was so poorly and needed taking care of.

But I know parents who won't even collect their children from the airport.

We've never been Helicopter Parents but our DDs know that DH & I are the safety net that will always, always be there to catch them when they need it.

It's not something I think about often either... but it's something I 'know'. It's just something innate, which I am 100% sure of. I didn't realise not everyone feels that way.

I've seen this behaviour from my father when I was ten years old.

We were in a crowded street in Casablanca waiting for the lights to turn on a busy road so we could cross. People were pressed up against each other and I was holding tight onto my father's hand. As the lights turned, I felt myself being lifted up by hands placed in my armpits, felt my father let go of my hand, and I was carried across the road. I first thought that someone had decided to "help" me across, and I was trying to walk - cartoon-style with my feet off the ground - and simultaneously saying "no thank you I am fine on my own". I looked to see who was carrying me and it was two burly guys who did not look kind at all. I shouted for my dad and looked back to see that another two guys were holding onto him and going through his pockets. He was shouting for the police. As the crowd quickly thinned out he could see me on the other side of the road being held by these men. One of them had got a knife out. Obviously I was most concerned and shouted "Daddy, Daddy!" while he kept shouting "Police! Police!".

As soon as the guys holding my dad had got hold of his traveller's cheques, they both scarpered in opposite directions while the other two kept a hold of me - maybe to make sure my dad didn't try to catch their accomplices.

Surely now he was free, my dad would come and try to bargain with the guys who were holding on to me? Or at least wait and watch to see if I was going to be released? But what my father actually did was to run away from me back the way we had come. Once he was out of sight, the men let me go - they were by then being loudly berated by some very kind women whom I mistook for nuns. The lovely ladies surrounded me and tried to console me, but I was more than a little beside myself... my father eventually came back maybe five minutes later, accompanied by a policeman, the ladies handed me back to him and we went on to the police station to report the theft.

So I think what happens is that you don't think at all straight in situations like that. They do not do the Disney thing!

My father never tried to explain his actions and I never dared raise it with him. I always imagined he would sit me down one day and say "you know darling when it looked as if I had abandoned you in Morocco...", but he never did.

Is it not possible he couldn't / didn't see you, or that he believed he would not be able to retrieve you from the men, so his (in either of those situations, correct) instinct was to run for help as quickly as possible? I just think there's a lot about this situation as a 10 year you may not have been conscious of (eg he could have been running toward a source of aid you are not aware of such as the police station).

Thanks Shrimpi. He did see me, our eyes were very briefly fixed on each other, as I watched what the men were doing to him and he watched what the men were doing to me. I remember being surprised and almost a little amused at how he kind of crouched down and waved his arms a bit like a chicken, as they were being gripped by his assailants.

I do believe he was running quite instinctively, back the way we had come, as if that could be the only safe place, and indeed it was the last place where we had both been safe, which was the port where our cruise ship was moored.

He did find a policeman, yes, but it was our first day in Casablanca, we were exploring, had been off the boat for all of five minutes, and he could not have known where the police station was. I think the policeman he did find was "on the beat", since he seemed to find him so fast, and certainly he must have thought there was a good likelihood of finding one by shouting Police! loudly enough.

I also think that had there been a rational explanation to help me feel better about it all, he would have mentioned... even if he took some time in retrospect to formulate the rationale to himself.

The police station we ended up at was not, iirc, in the direction in which my father had run.

I accept that at ten you don't know much, but one thing my family has always said is that my memory for those years is phenomenal (it is no longer so great, in terms of what I had for supper yesterday...[

If that was the case why didn’t @hepsitemizfather ever address this, if not after, then later in life.When l read, what happened, l didn’t question this, because at 10 years old, memories are vivid, you don’t forget traumatic events and details.I think you’re missing the point if someone has taken your child, instinct should be to run towards your child, not away, no matter, how dangerous the situation is or in the hope your going to find help.

@hepsitemiz omg I am so sorry! That's horrendous..

Did it affect your relationship with him afterwards?

@TobleroneDos yes I have DC. 2 babies!

@hepsitemiz that's such a scary situation!

@Lucy25 I can think of multiple (admittedly extreme) scenarios where running towards your child when they're in danger could get them killed, and no matter how gut wrenching it might be, running away from them to get help might save their life where running towards them is the more rash, emotional option that could get them killed.

One of these scenarios is where someone has a weapon in close enough proximity to kill your child before you get to them.

If you're instinct gets your child killed where cool headedness and a seemingly callous act like walking away from them would save them, you need to do the more loving thing and walk away. This is not a common scenario. But someone holding a knife to my kid's throat and me lunging and getting my kid killed is not helping them.

Higher, I think it did affect my relationship with him, in the sense that different experiences all contribute to shaping the dynamic. Three years after this I was sexually attacked, again while with him (for full disclosure it was in a country where young western-looking girls were routinely violated[. It was a very brief but forceful and graphic attack and he saw it happen, saw how it knocked me off balance and watched me recover my footing. I was simultaneously ashamed and panicked, I felt my blood flood with adrenaline and for some reason I fully expected him to say or do something towards my aggressor, or say something to console me. Instead, he laughed and patted my hand. I felt so belittled and unprotected. I know he may have reacted this way out of embarrassment, but still... yes, these things really do shape how you feel you slot into a family.

Itsmabeline, in case it makes any difference, the knife was not at my throat... it was being held out in front of me. Of course that hardly changes the scenario. I am sure I was being held mainly for the purpose of encouraging my father to give up his traveller's cheques. They did let me go literally seconds after they got what they wanted - but not, of course, before my father scarpered! He was very quick off the mark, from initially resisting them going through his pockets to running off as soon as the cheques had been taken off him.

There was quite a wide road between us - my father could not have lunged at the guys who had a hold of me had he wanted to. I simply assumed he'd wait a couple of seconds to see if I was going to be released, once the thieves had got their booty.

It's a shame I never had the nerve to discuss these things with him to get clarity. The traveller's cheques incident did get shared with the family, but the bit about me being carried across the street and left in the company of these ladies was edited out. I was not one to make the story about me, so I just nodded along. The karate chop between the legs incident was never mentioned. There was a lot in my family that was never mentioned...

I do find all the ‘Mamma bear’ and ‘I’d die for my kids’ stuff tedious. We don’t need to know what you’d do for your kids, just don’t abuse them and raise your kids well.

However, that doesn’t mean literally doing everything for your kids, society would be full of spoilt kids and adults if you did that.

I would and almost did. I chose to have children, who are less equipped due to age, to deal with adults life. They are my responsibility. My creation, friends, non judgemental loves. Watch animals with their young. Most will defend cry morn. Just because we see ourselves as higher intelligence don't mean our primal institution doesn't come out when we have children

Agree, there are many parents that take advantage of the " I'm a parent". But so reals so exist

Animals routinely abandon their young to safe themselves.

But the OP literally asked... 🙄

Yes of course.I’m just going by, if someone had taken my child, my instinct, would be, to not loose sight of them, not rely on anyone else to save them.My instinct would override everything, regardless of how dangerous the situation was because nobody’s going to protect my child, like l would.