'i would die for my kids' ..but would people really?!

[ShouldIGoHigher]

Had a very interesting discussion today with my mum and wondered other peoples thoughts.

We were talking about how a lot of people say 'i would die for kids' as a testament of how much they love their children but don't actually mean it or really think about what that actually means and actually.. wouldn't.

So in my mind if someone says they would die for them I take that to mean there's nothing on this earth they wouldn't do for them and to keep them safe.
But then so many people say that but yet won't do basic things for their DC if it's at an inconvenience to themselves let alone put themselves in harms way.

Several examples of this from minor to more extreme.

A work colleagues mum and dad wouldn't watch their grandchildren so my colleague could attend a mammogram for possible cancer. They didn't want to use up annual leave for it. Colleague had to postpone to appointment and unfortunately did have cancer. Of course her parents have said 'i wish I could trade places with you!' ..but they wouldn't even use a leave day for a scan?!

A more extreme example, one of my closest childhood friends has recently left an extremely violent man. She took years of absolute hell from him including violent sex attacks. He battered her in the end and caused lifelong injuries.
Before the final attack she had left him. Her parents new all the ins and outs and saw the bruises. When she left they gave all the lip service of he's a bastard and evil etc. gave her praise for leaving. But the police wouldn't do anything to keep her safe. She kept saying she was worried he was going to come and kill her and he said he would. They saw him say it and knew he was capable. Yet.. they did nothing. Didn't want to get involved and instead gave moral support. I understand this for a friend but your own child?!
In the end he did find her and he absolutely battered her.

My mum knows this friend and her family well and the was aghast at the lip service of how they could say in one breath 'id die for my kids' and in the next sit back and watch their daughter's life be under threat.
She said if it were me or my siblings in that situation with the police unable to help then she would've moved into my house during this period of threat or is with her, without question. Then been prepared to spend the remainder of her days behind bars or dead herself than let him lay a hand on her children.
I honestly believe her and know she would. But then when I think of my kids, I know id do the same. I could definitely make peace with going to prison for the rest of my days for my children's life. How can you say your prepared to literally die for your kids but not go to prison to protect them?

There's also people who say they'd die for their kids but yet they'd not help them financially when they themselves are rich and kids are on the breadline etc.

Do these people genuinely believe it when they say it?
What do they actually mean?

Am I being unreasonable when I say loads of people don't truly mean it when they say it?

YABU - parents do mean it
YANBU - it's lip service because it sounds good to a lot of people.

I think it works down the chain (we'd die for children/grandchildren), but would we die for our parents? I actually wouldn't, because my children rank higher, and the instinct to preserve myself for the sake of my children is there too. Plus there's the natural order thing.

This sounds like my Mum.

I hope your dog is OK xxx

She did leave him though. That's the thing.
At 4.11ft she had left covered in bruises. Got her and her kids a place. Was petrified he would kill her for leaving. Told her parents everything who were giving lip service of supporting her.
The police did what they could but laws around DV are terrible. He continued to harass her and ignore police.

She openly said she was just waiting to die. Knew it was a matter of time. Her parents knew it too as they'd seen with their own eyes the stalking and the bruises. Heard the voicemail death threats. They called him a bastard and evil etc.

Her dad however at 6.4ft and broad, physically fit and still young, could've just gone over there and absolutely pounded him and made it so he couldn't physically ever harmed his daughter again. Yes he would've likely gone to prison but going to prison and serving half your sentence behind bars is much better than a dead daughter in my eyes. It would be time well served and worth it to have my daughter alive and grandchildren safe and with a mother.

Instead what happened is instead of the dad going to the abuser.. the dad did nothing and the abuser went to the daughter.
He went to my friends house and wiped the floor with her. Broke her jaw and several bones, thought he'd killed her and left her for dead. She still requires ongoing corrective surgeries.

Now the abuser is in prison.. the dad says and I quote 'if I ever see him I'll kill him'. Umm yeah.. okay.. of course you will. Easy to say when you know your never going to actually see him again. You had ample opportunity to do so but instead sat back and did nothing but vent.

This is what I mean. People say they'll die for their children/kill for them. But even when faced with knowing your child will die if you don't act.. some still do nothing.

Just me seeing her and hearing her story made me want to punch him and protect her and she's not even my daughter and I'm not even violent. So how on earth could you not feel that visceral reaction with your own child?

None of your examples are actually dying for them tho. They're all more complicated/nuanced.

I'd jump in front of a car which was about to hit them/give them a kidney/take a bullet for them, of course.

In your examples, one is about swapping work schedules, you don't know the back story, family situation, how much leave their parents have left etc etc

The next... It is SO depressing, and I only know from friends, but if someone is in a bad relationship, you need to stick by them and be ready to support them when they do leave, but going in and taking out their husband (how???) or telling them to leave, doesn't work unfortunately 😭

The money one, that's totally different, buying your child a house is NOT dying for them, it's giving them financial support which is a whole other question and famously divisive! Could be amazing, could ruin your relationship, totally depends on the family/circumstances/how much money etc etc.

I would die for my son so he wouldnt have to endure pain. I often feel like dying but he's the only reason i stay alive. I think the latter hits harder.

I know what you mean - MN is hyprocrital . When people mention Grandkids on here and Grandparents not helping out it's always "well you had them, you're unreasonable to expect an hour's help.

But then it's "I would do anything for my kids". That stops the moment they turn 18 though. Then they're completely on their own.

I think the type who make those hyperbole claims are the very last that would actually do it, many struggle with day to day decency towards their children.

I certainly would hate to see any of my children suffer in any way and would do my best to help and support them.
Like most decent parents would.

On MN unfortunately many of the threads, like the OP's examples, are of utter horrors of parents.

My son lost his best friend last year and the grief we have felt as a family at his loss to cancer has been horrendous.
It without a doubt has been the worst of bereavements we have suffered.

Part of my grief has been watching my beautiful boy in pain and knowing that our grief is only a tiny tiny fraction of his mum and dad's, that so adored him.

I have absolutely no doubt both his parents would have given their life so that their 19 year old might be spared

"Well if someone was holding us hostage and they were going to shoot me or one of my kids I would tell them to shoot me so yeah I would die for them"

I just don't get this way of thinking. If you were shot in front of your children, it would leave them traumatised for life and with out you to support and protect them from lifes normal stresses as the grow up.

I would rather they die and be free of pain and trauma.

I remember I heard a programme about this question on Radio 4 years ago. Apparently when this is researched in real life situations, parents save themselves over their children. I guess the drive to survive is overwhelming.

There is a difference between responding in an emergency situation and being the regular babysitter.

I've sacrificed my entire career and so much more to care for a child who went through a serious illness and died. That doesn't mean I would also do the same, or volunteer at high cost to myself, to be childcare for my children who made choices for their own lives in having a family with regular needs. I would make that same sacrifice if a grandchild went through what I went through with my child, to support the family, if wanted/needed.

My own needs and wants are important too. They adjust when needed but being willing to die for my children doesn't mean I can't have boundaries on other things while alive.

Oh, and to all the posters who say they know they'd die for their kids, you don't. Instinct takes over in life and death situations so we don't actually know how we'd react. According to the experts I heard, we save ourselves.

From other experiences, I know my instinct is always to react to save my kids over myself.

Wow that's crazy! What kind of scenarios were they,? Do you remember?

Makes sense in some ways. It doesn't suprise me for men/dads that much. So many can walk away from their children and start over without a backwards glance. Surprises me for mothers as a lot of women are very in tune with their children on a seemingly biological level.

I suppose lots of parents don't really concentrate on their child's day to day needs but would if it was something more urgent or definitely serious. So they wouldn't book a day off for a hospital appointment which might not turn out to be anything but feel they would die for them. Who knows if that sort of parent would actually die for them if it came to it.

We have always helped our kids out with the day to day smaller things and put ourselves out for them with the big things too. We've definitely had comments saying that we 'do too much' but these are always from parents that can't seem to be bothered to do much to help their kids out.

Our kids are teens and adults now and they will help us out too. I'd definitely put my children's lives before my own and so would their dad.

I like to think I would because I love them so much and would want to protect them from anything but without being in that situation I honestly don't know how I would react because nobody does know how they will react in a traumatic experience

So from what I'm gathering from this thread, love for children changes once they reach adulthood in a lot of people?

Is it more diluted and less intense for many? So love them in almost equal measure that you would for a sibling/spouse etc. like equal to yourself but not above?

Some would, some wouldn’t.

My family would do anything for one another, DHs dad I’m less certain, something extreme like die for him probably, but he’s very reluctant to help DH in normal life. We would do anything for our DD.

Totally agree, but I don't think it's just parenthood! I adore my mum and while I wouldn't die for her I would do an awful lot. When she had a genuine crisis on one occasion I dropped everything to go be with her and support her. On the other hand, she rang me earlier and I ignored it because I knew she was going to moan on about roadworks.

I agree with this. There are so many things worse than death. It's actually parents being selfish because they don't want the grief of losing their kid/s. They don't think about what their kid will go through losing them. And yeah kids actually need their parents to raise them to adulthood so what good is them being dead?

It's all performative nonsense anyway, same as single parents making sure any partner knows "my kids always come first"-just no need to say it, all this comparison about who people love more yuck.

I was the opposite- I asked my DW if she would choose me or the baby if only one of us could get through delivery alive- she said she would definitely choose me, and I said good. I would choose me in that situation too!

My dad was asked this when my DM was in labour with me- he told them to prioritise her- I’m perfectly comfortable with that.

However, now said child is here there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect him, or just to help him.

The police did what they could but laws around DV are terrible. He continued to harass her and ignore police.
She openly said she was just waiting to die. Knew it was a matter of time. Her parents knew it too as they'd seen with their own eyes the stalking and the bruises. Heard the voicemail death threats. They called him a bastard and evil etc.
Her dad however at 6.4ft and broad, physically fit and still young, could've just gone over there and absolutely pounded him and made it so he couldn't physically ever harmed his daughter again. Yes he would've likely gone to prison but going to prison and serving half your sentence behind bars is much better than a dead daughter in my eyes. It would be time well served and worth it to have my daughter alive and grandchildren safe and with a mother.

Ok, here I think my expectations here would be quite different. I would expect them to do all they could to press matters with the police, to offer financial support, to help her find as secure a place to live as possible (unlikely to be with them, realistically). I wouldn't expect the dad to commit murder/assault someone so badly they were permanently severely disabled (I wasn't sure which one you meant by 'made it so he couldn't harm her again'), not least because I think that's a far from certain outcome of confronting this man physically, even if the dad was the larger/stronger of the two.

Better to live and fight for your kids than die for them imho. Words are easy - actions? Not so much. It's too easy to judge people based on them being put in a situation you have never actually been in, and then congratulate yourself and your own parents based on words you have said, and your belief about what your parents have said they would do in a hypothetical situation. Probably best to leave your judgement of other people whose lives you know nothing about to the side, and focus on living your best life and being the best you can be. Most people are doing the best they can with the knowledge and experience they have.

Clearly it is a huge and significant trauma for a child to lose a parent, but I really don't think that that child would always be better off dead. I think that's quite an extraordinary thing to say!

I agree with several posters that it's complicated and not easy to define. My mum, even for her adult children would take a bullet, jump in front of a moving car yadayada etc, but she will smoke through both of her pregnancies, smoke in the presence of her grandchildren if she were allowed .
The threat would need to be imminent. I'm not a parent myself, but I get the distinction.

Not for us. We love them just as much as we ever did. I think we both feel more protective of them now that it's not so easy to protect them like when they were younger. It depends on your relationship with them I suppose, but for us, we'd still do anything for our children.