To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

[PinkyPhonk]

DD really struggles to make friends, but I’m so delighted that she has now made a friend and her friend is amazing. I’ve had a few playdates, and I feel the Mum has latched on to me a bit.

Thing is, we share very different political views : and a few things have made me really squirm. E.g. we met a friend of mine when we were out, and there was a comment about : what country is she from (in a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I just shut it down with ‘the UK’.

And I just feel pushed into things before I can say no. A trip away is being planned, and would involve me paying accommodation for all my family on something I otherwise wouldn’t have done. DH is staunchly Labour, and will really create an atmosphere if he comes and any ReformUK type views are expressed. I’m dreading taking him along, but feel weirdly guilty about saying maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come.

I don’t quite ‘get’ what is going on?? I accept that people are different, and think I can stand my ground - but I’m feeling pushed into things, and almost scared of saying/doing the wrong thing??

Surely as an adult the word no is in your vocabulary?

Without being outing, this particular thing is v v difficult to say no to for various reasons. It’s also hard because it’s really important that DD has a good friend.

So there's a woman you don't particularly like, who has opposing views to you and you don't really want to hang out with her...so you are going to resolve this by taking your whole family on holiday with her whole family. Think that's actually a definition of madness.

That sounds like a you problem, I don’t understand either why you behave as you do. Maybe seek help?

This.

You have to learn to say no.

@Makelikeatreeandleaf

In many ways I do like her, but the race thing makes me really very uncomfortable.

Why are you letting your daughter spend time with people who don't share your values? You don't want to spend time with them and can't say no so why do you expect your dd to?

DD and her friend are amazing together and make each other very happy. I suck it up because they are genuinely wonderful friends.

Don’t go on holiday with racists. It’s literally this and it’s not about politics it’s about racism, put your foot down.

I was fuming this week because my friend - that the comment was made about - is one of the loveliest people I know, and I would happily spend time with. And her children were with her, and then this comment was made.

I’m due to meet the friend who made the comment next week. I think I’ll challenge the comment and say, whilst I like her for so many reasons - I can’t be around racism.

Just say no, OP.

This wouldn't even be something I'd be debating with myself. I don't keep company with racists, and I don't let my children either.

I dont think asking what country someone is from automatically makes you a racist or reform UK voter? Perhaps makes you look a bit unworldly/ignorant if you are asking purely on the basis of their skin colour. But obviously dont be best mates with someone who you dont actually like.

I don’t understand why people seem unable to spend any time with people with different pilictical opinions to themselves. Labour and reform are both legitimate, legal parties we have the option to vote for. Do you need to discuss politics at every meal? Or do you think you need to actively hiss at each other if you pass in the street? My friendship group has a wide range of political leanings and we all manage to rub along ok.

Well different opinions is one thing. Racism is another and most people would feel obliged to speak up against views like that which can lead to tensions/fights.

voting reform doesn’t make you racist!

Being a racist is a bit different from having differing no views about whether there should be more tax cuts!

If my husband couldn’t manage a pleasant weekend away with another family for the sake of his daughter without starting a row at the dinner table over politics, I’d probably consider him to be more of an issue than a vague, perceived slight from people I didn’t really know yet but I could be wrong.

Did she actually say anything racist? Or just ask what country (she probably just meant ethnicity and not everybody would consider that a weird question)

But why do you think the only options are a) going on holiday together or b) challenging this woman's political views and dramatically distancing yourself from her?

Surely the obvious option is c) bland chitchat for ten seconds when picking up the kids, otherwise just a nodding acquaintanceship. She is just your child's school friend's parent.

Or just make an excuse and don't meet up, it may cause an argument or at least make things awkward and then it will be difficult for the children to get together.
Dont go on holiday either, even the very best of friends can find it stressful.

Why does it ever matter though (where someone is from or, even worse, what their ethnicity is)? Especially when the issue hasn't flowed naturally from the interaction? If the friend said something about 'back home' and you ask 'where's that for you?' then fine, but otherwise I really struggle to imagine how often it's a relevant question compared to the number of times it seems to get asked.

I accept that people are different, and think I can stand my ground - but I’m feeling pushed into things, and almost scared of saying/doing the wrong thing??

that sentence is contradictory. You cant say you can stand up for yourself if you find yourself in this situation.

Agree with a PP that you don't just have to stick to friends who agree with everything you believe. Maybe you just leave politics out of it?
Likewise you can encourage your dad friendship with her DD without going away with them?

It doesn’t matter and it’s a bit of a clumsy and rude question but it doesn’t make someone racist for asking.

If that’s the extent of the racism then I think this is all a bit blown out of proportion. Not everybody is educated and has the same social graces.