To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

[PinkyPhonk]

DD really struggles to make friends, but I’m so delighted that she has now made a friend and her friend is amazing. I’ve had a few playdates, and I feel the Mum has latched on to me a bit.

Thing is, we share very different political views : and a few things have made me really squirm. E.g. we met a friend of mine when we were out, and there was a comment about : what country is she from (in a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I just shut it down with ‘the UK’.

And I just feel pushed into things before I can say no. A trip away is being planned, and would involve me paying accommodation for all my family on something I otherwise wouldn’t have done. DH is staunchly Labour, and will really create an atmosphere if he comes and any ReformUK type views are expressed. I’m dreading taking him along, but feel weirdly guilty about saying maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come.

I don’t quite ‘get’ what is going on?? I accept that people are different, and think I can stand my ground - but I’m feeling pushed into things, and almost scared of saying/doing the wrong thing??

What example are you setting your child?

By being friends or associated with a racist I would assume that you are also racist.

Yes people have different beliefs but she dislikes people just because of where they are from. She’s a dick and you would be a dick not to stand up and refuse any further friendship with her.

I would imagine that she has latched on to you because it’s hard to make friends when you are full of hatred.

Oh come on!

If someone asks a black person 'which country are you from'.....that's racist. Pure and simple.

You could ask about the family heritage ....of their great great grandparents, perhaps.....but you wouldn't ask that on first meeting someone

So.....yes, this woman is racist and especially so if she is pro the farage riots and probably so if she voted reform

I couldn't be around someone like this for longer than 30 minutes

The End

So when you walk down the street where no one knows your name but only sees you how many times have you had racists shout racist things at you?
My friends don't need to sat anything people just look at their skin colour and treat them differently.
Infact a couple have English names but when they are introduced to people expecting a white person they do a double take because opps they didn't expect a poc! I've seen their demeanour change like they think they were hoodwinked or something. Its been a real eye opener and also seriously sad, makes me so angry.

Really ?????

This sums it up

On this occasion it’s sorry I’ll have to cancel x trip, maybe another time.
If pushed your mother/sister/ grandad is having surgery and you’re on call to help. Be vague.
And in the future agree to nothing, always say I’ll talk it over with DH, leave that with me, I’ll have to look in the diaries see if we’re free. Agree to little things— coffee, taking the kids skating or swimming, offer to take her dd with yours to something.

Dial it down with this woman - she's not your tribe. Have a 'big piece of work' come up that means you are going to be busy and not able to commit to going away.

But don't have any sort of drama - it's just not worth it. You're not going to change her opinion of anything and your kids are happy as friends so you need to be able to rub along.

At some point your kids will move on from each other - friendships are 'all a phase' all be way through so don't ever get too enmeshed with any of their mums. Always just hold something back.

Agree with this , especially the "don't get enmeshed" bit

Excellent advice

Have your own friends

Your child's friends parents are acquaintances imo

I can understand not wanting to completely cancel the relationship on behalf of your DD - although I would warn you to be careful because as the get older, your DD's friend might start with some of these comments and that can cause confusion. We've had this a couple of times with children our DC have been friends with.

But I really don't understand why you feel obliged to go on holiday. I was asked a while ago about a possible family trip with one of DD's friends. We like them, get on well etc....but a family holiday is `not something DH and I would want. I was super polite and friendly but just said lightly that money just wouldn't allow it as any holiday budget we'd keep for ourselves at this point. She totally understood and it was no problem. I've also been honest with people that we're not really group holiday people and that if money permitted we might do something like go to the same place or resort, but we'd need lots of time just us. The trick, I think, is not to say, "Oh god, that sounds awful" or "I hate people who do group holidays" but keep it to your own preferences.

If we all had the same views life would be crap.
I don't get the school mum's seems to be more drama with adults than the kids.
School is for kids not for adults.

Then why not say that, why decide to focus on something that could be innocent.

honestly it’s rather disturbing. Why you are going to go on holiday with someone you dislike and don’t wish to go on holiday with. Just say no. It doesn’t impact the kids. And if agree to do things you don’t wish, as said this is on you and you need help. Do you have a partner, someone who is able to make decisions and can help you ? If so use them and don’t make decisions, just say I need to ask the responsible adult.

But you understand she'll absolutely pick up her parents' racist right wing views, you can't have your daughter around that, surely? Utter madness.

Only racist reform supporters say this.

Nope really not - I know Nigel farage is a terrible leader and not pleasant in my opinion but before assuming all reform voters are racism you should look at the policies they voted for and not the dramatic headlines that twist all parties policies

Asking where someone is from isn't automatically racist.

I had my hair cut by a woman from Asia. I asked if she was Korean. She was. Am I being racist? No.

She asked if I was English and I said I was mixed race - I am English, born here, but my dad wasn't. She was quite surprised. We had a laugh about it. Does this make her racist?

No talking about race/ethnicity is fine, saying something derogatory about a person's race/ethnicity is racism.

So what did she say that was racist?

Tbf to OP, I have this with a mum who has a lad the same age as my DD (2). I try and limit time. It's nice to share mum-tips and I try and steer convo away from reform nonsense.
But i hope as DD gets older and gets friends that ill meet more like minded mums!

How simplistic.

Where I grew up, political and religious views were totally polarised, to the point of violence.

I've never been all that interested in either set of views. I have never seen it as a barrier to friendships. So long as you have an understanding that these subjects are 'no trespass' zones, you can actually get on pretty well with someone whose views on these subjects are diametrically opposed to yours!

I'm not a fan of cossetting your little darlings to only hear only your views, and that they should only mix with your clones. Teach them well at home and they will soon shut down anything they see as racism, same as mine learned about making friends across a huge chasm in terms of religion and politics.

Happily, none of my three give either a second thought. It's just not on their radar. Discrimination, racism, transgenderism - those are issues that exercise their minds.

This woman is most likely the product of her upbringing too. Maybe you could be a good influence on her, challenge her thinking, if you wanted to?

However, in this situation, I would take a step back. You don't have to be bezzies with your children's parents and it's probably best in many ways if you're not. I would not be socialising with her other than maybe a coffee when either of you drop off at the other's house, and I would not go on any sort of holiday with them. That has disaster written all over it, and could wreck your children's friendship. Maybe this friend will be a 'forever' friend (my 25 yr old has been besties with her friend since they were 3) but most likely they will move on and make other friends. It's not sensible to get this invested.

I’d back off and stop hanging out so much with someone who made racist comments. I’d at least go very quiet and awkward. No way you can get out of this? You do realise that this ‘good friend’ will probably be talking your daughter her racist views.

Was it just that one “where are you from?” comment?

And you don't think the OP can teach her DD to challenge such views? Like it or not, we all mix in life with people who don't see the world the same way as we do. I think it would be very limiting if we didn't!

Did you miss the outright racism bit?

Because I’m Asian in ethnicity but born and bred in London and as British as they come.

so if you ask me where I’m from simply because I’ve got darker skin than you (which is the only reason because my accent is like any Londoner’s) I would quite clearly say to you: the UK.

othering people based on skin colour and ethnicity is racism. It’s really not difficult

but in any case…. This friend of OPs also said she could justify the riots etc so please stop justifying

Firstly I doubt very much this mum will be having political type/racist discussions with this child.

Secondly, I would hope that said child would be secure in the example set by her parents to either challenge racism or at the very least, ignore it.

You don’t need to challenge her or have it out with her. You just need to keep it as a children’s friendship at school, and not start bringing your families together, being friends yourself.

I find racist views totally abhorrent but she’s not going to change her mind. You don’t have to be friends in order for the kids to be.

Just have a “big piece of work on” as a pp says, or not have much spare cash right now or whatever works. And just be noncommittal about making plans together.