To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

[PinkyPhonk]

DD really struggles to make friends, but I’m so delighted that she has now made a friend and her friend is amazing. I’ve had a few playdates, and I feel the Mum has latched on to me a bit.

Thing is, we share very different political views : and a few things have made me really squirm. E.g. we met a friend of mine when we were out, and there was a comment about : what country is she from (in a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I just shut it down with ‘the UK’.

And I just feel pushed into things before I can say no. A trip away is being planned, and would involve me paying accommodation for all my family on something I otherwise wouldn’t have done. DH is staunchly Labour, and will really create an atmosphere if he comes and any ReformUK type views are expressed. I’m dreading taking him along, but feel weirdly guilty about saying maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come.

I don’t quite ‘get’ what is going on?? I accept that people are different, and think I can stand my ground - but I’m feeling pushed into things, and almost scared of saying/doing the wrong thing??

She's sounding you out to see if you share her views.

you are going that mad just for the sake of playdates and the friendships which at that age come and go like your new day outfits

??

If shes racist and you don't want to spend time with her, as pps have said, start saying no. It doesnt have to affect dds friendship necessarily, she also wont want her daughter to lose a good friend.

Although I will add your DH sounds insufferable... staunchy Labour is one thing but 'creating an atmosphere' because his views differ to others. Urgh major ick.

Your husband sounds like an utter nightmare. He’d create an atmosphere if someone had different views to him?! Maybe he needs to get out a bit more and mix with a more diverse group of people to widen his perspectives.

Maybe you’re so used to fear of wrong think from living with him that it’s making you uncomfortable.. it’s not racist to ask
where someone is from. Maybe clumsily phrased. But my dad will often answer “oh I was born here but my parents are American - hence the accent!”. It has never caused offence or been intended offensively by anyone who is just making chit chat.

Dont go on holiday with her if you don’t want to as it sounds like it cause a fall out. When you see her otherwise just talk about other things?! TV shows you like? Music/ books / comedians / holiday destinations? All valid alternative topics………

Why do you have to go on holiday with her?? Surely playdates are enough

I really don’t understand what you are doing

you don’t need to even explain that your friend of another race is lovely - why is that even important. People of all races are just people / good, bad, just people.

don’t other people of other races.

and detach from your idiot acquaintance - she isn’t your kind of person and frankly seems like a person of absolute stupidity and ignorance. Why would you even want your daughter hanging out with that family

have some backbone and move on and say no

Yeah not the same thing as being judged on your skin colour…..

Wow! Your new friend would really get on my nerves. If I hear racist/prejudiced comments, I struggle to look past it, it really taints the person for me. Good on you if you challenge her. She should be able to keep your friendship free from "political views". I hope she's not indoctrinating her kids.

Why are you being so pally with her?

Your dd can have a friend without you and the other mum being mates.

I think you are showing a complete lack of integrity tbh.

I wouldn’t encourage a close relationship here. The kids can play at school, but I wouldn’t want my child being invited to their house, where they could hear all sorts of views being aired freely. I certainly wouldn’t associate with her myself.

I can't think of a single occasion where saying "no, I don't want to" is not an acceptable answer to anyone who wants their family to go on holiday with your family. I have some very near, dear friends whose families I wouldn't go away with; not going away with your DD's school friend's family is a complete non problem.

OP - I'd stick to polite small talk in the playground and play dates only.

I'd also suggest you do say something re the racist language - if for no other reason than your daughter will start to pick it up and will want to know why it's ok for X's mum to say it, when it's not ok for her.

I applaud OP's husband for speaking out against racism rather than pretending he hasn't heard it and changing the topic to talk about TV programmes.

The world would be a better place if more people were prepared to stand up against prejudice rather than not saying anything because it's a bit awkward.

You don’t accidentally say yes to going on a holiday you don’t want to go on with someone you don’t like unless you’ve got some major boundary issues.

This. How has your daughters being friends become a whole family overnight stay together with dhs and so on?

Why do you have to go?

So a racist comment was made/insinuated about your friend and her children? Surely that puts an end to any further contact?

What she said.

It would me too. The thing is you can be friendly, in the sense that you are with acquaintances and some colleages, without being bosom buddies. Just because her daughter is the friend of your daughter, it doesn't automatically follow that you will be the same. You sound like chalk and cheese. Just keep it light.

I have no comment about your family trip away, that will have to sort itself out.

So @PinkyPhonk what if your daughter returns from a playdate with a racist toned turn of phrase or an opinion or a comment which comes from her friend who got it from her mum.....?

Just distance yourself slightly but for the sake of your daughter I wouldn't start openly going up to the mum and calling her out - if you're uncomfortable be around her less.

Why did she suggest going away? Could she be love bombing you? Might be trying to get you to join a cult or an extremest group.

It’s a big leap from a child’s school friend to two families going on holiday together!! Start by being polite and facilitating their friendship but fgs tell her you’re busy or have plans already when it gets too close for comfort!!

I can relate to this…our child has SEND and struggles to form friendships. The two friends they have made have parents who share similar views to the person you describe. One shares EDL type things on fb. The other friends mother is probably more Reform leaning and is trying to cultivate a friendship (even down to suggesting a weekend away together!) I’m trying to keep them both at arms length while still maintaining the kids friendship. They’re still only 5 so hoping our child develops some other friendships. Prior to this I’d have been very black and white about not having a relationship with them because I find their political views utterly abhorrent but I desperately want our child to have friends too

I’ve lived abroad and was asked what country I was from several times a day, most of the time. I never thought it was a rude question. I now live in the UK and am married to a non Brit, he gets asked where he’s from and doesn’t think it’s rude either. Surely people are just curious or trying to make conversation?

I do find it a strange idea that being deemed ‘non-British’ is seen as this terrible thing. Most people aren’t that fussed believe it or not!

This! 👏🏼

‘Surely we all know people like this and what they're like? Stop pretending otherwise.’

For those still scratching their heads in confusion and thinking you don’t know people like this and you still don’t understand why what they said was offensive … it’s you. You’re ‘people’. 😂

It's not that important she will not thank you for it and you will have to work on getting her cultured after her friend and family brainwash her. You're teaching your DD to beg friends she is at school to get an education.