To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

[PinkyPhonk]

DD really struggles to make friends, but I’m so delighted that she has now made a friend and her friend is amazing. I’ve had a few playdates, and I feel the Mum has latched on to me a bit.

Thing is, we share very different political views : and a few things have made me really squirm. E.g. we met a friend of mine when we were out, and there was a comment about : what country is she from (in a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I just shut it down with ‘the UK’.

And I just feel pushed into things before I can say no. A trip away is being planned, and would involve me paying accommodation for all my family on something I otherwise wouldn’t have done. DH is staunchly Labour, and will really create an atmosphere if he comes and any ReformUK type views are expressed. I’m dreading taking him along, but feel weirdly guilty about saying maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come.

I don’t quite ‘get’ what is going on?? I accept that people are different, and think I can stand my ground - but I’m feeling pushed into things, and almost scared of saying/doing the wrong thing??

I thought diversity was a good thing?

I'm White and English with a strong Iconic British accent, I get asked where I'm from ALL THE TIME because I have an uncommon name people don't recognize.

Sometime the person is blatantly racist (I would say less than 1 in 10 but it is funny when some 'corrects' you about they can clearly tell your actually 'Polish' etc...) but more time than not people just didn't engage brain before mouth and are just perfectly normal people.

You don't have to go on a holiday with the family in order for them to be friends though?

There is absolutely no need for you to commit to a holiday with anyone, let alone someone you feel uncomfortable with, to try to ensure your daughter has a friend, whether you think it "really important" or not. They could fall out with each other tomorrow, where would that leave this holiday? Or the day after they come back.

But your experience would be different if you were Brown and English, regardless of your accent. And people aren't judging you until they hear your uncommon name.

I'm white but pretty obviously not from the UK and get asked where I'm from all the time. Happened today, in fact. It's not an offensive question, imo.

The other day I asked my colleague where another colleague (unusual name that I couldn't place) was from. Hope she hasn't reported me to HR over it.

But yeah, agree with other posters - you're not obliged to be friends with her just because your children are friends. Don't go away with her family if you're not keen - DD can go by herself, or not at all.

How outing can it be, the reason why you absolutely can’t refuse to go on a holiday you don’t want to with people you don’t like? 🤨

People almost always hear my name before meeting me given the very few time I go out are for appointments.

Trust me racists judge most white races too. Look at what Jewish people, Irish travelers and Polish people face. Cries of 'immigration' aren't usually lobbied just against 'black' or 'brown' people but many Europeans (especially eastern ones) too.

Racism isn't just about having dark skin, people who are racist will other anyone they think is 'different' to them based on country/culture/religion not just skin.

Your post is really odd. Why are you taking your entire family somewhere you don't want to go at the behest of someone you don't like?
DD and play with her friend, you don't have to be mates with her mum.
And voting labour doesn't make you any sort of anti racism campaigner - the Tory's left them for dust in terms of a diverse cabinet.
Just stop palling around with people you don't like building up resentments and anger - you enjoy your friends and time together and DD can enjoy hers.

Thankyou, this is what I wanted to articulate.

Why would anyone think it was appropriate to ask someone on the first meeting where they were from? If someone is a friend of a friend then appropriate 'small talk' would be "how long have you known each other?", or "How/where did you meet?".
Certainly not "what country are you from?"

How old is your DD? I’m confused why you have to be friends with the mum of her friend, unless they are pre school age in which case just back away and hope your daughter makes new friends as she gets older.

Sounds like you need to get a back bone.

Sorry what? Her daughter is going to be friends with whoever she is friends with. You don't change that based on the "values" of the friend's family. And a lot of children struggle to make friends at all. Would you rather she had no friends? Just because her family have certain values, doesn't mean the child will. And a lot of the time you will have no idea what the children's family's values are. If the friend does have different values there's a good opportunity to discuss different values and when/if and how.to challenge these if appropriate and to teach critical thinking skills.

Your children will become exposed to lots of different people with different values. Avoiding people different to you is not the way to deal with differing values.

Having said all that OP, if you don't like these parents you don't have to spend any time with them at all. You don't have to be friends because your children are. I wasn't friends with any of my children's parents. We were polite and friendly when interacting about the children, but I didn't socialise or go on holiday with any of them!

This wide-eyed faux naiveté is so tiresome.."Gosh, she only asked where she was from, why are you being so sensitive?"

It's clear OP has used this as a vaguely illustrative example to explain her gut feeling that this woman is your typical Farage type. She'll have got that impression from countless little expressions, phrases and interactions, none of which you could actually pin down as an objective "reason" that you could explain to a third party.

Surely we all know people like this and what they're like? Stop pretending otherwise. I have acquaintances who - completely unprompted - always manage to very quickly turn every conversation to what colour someone is, what people of a particular nationality are like, how bloody "woke" the latest random thing is, or whatever it is that's turning the country to shit this week - but any particular example could be brushed off as just a reasonable observation. And no they're not pleasant people to be around and I certainly wouldn't choose them as friends.

voting reform doesn’t make you racist!
Yeah you can't say it's a 100% correlation but... in practice it pretty much does. Or at least prone to believing nonsense conspiracies. There's not much other reason to vote for them. I know we're meant to pretend otherwise and that all political views are equally valid, but this isn't like having different views on the merits of mainstream parties, or disagreeing on tax rates or education policy, it's right at the heart of who you are and it's perfectly reasonable to let it influence whether you can be close friends with someone.

Just don’t do holidays woth these people. You can support your Dd’s friendship without having to spend time with her family so much.

@DevotedSisterBelovedCunt

Exactly. It’s other comments about : sympathising with the recent riots, negative comments about how multicultural the school/our area is. It’s a gradual build - not just the one isolated comment.

I absolutely would not get involved socially with this woman.

You can support the kids friendship without being friends/going on holiday with a racist.

Trust your gut. Forget the holiday, just say it doesn’t work for you. Trust your daughter to be able to make other friends. How old is she? Choose not to socialise with this person and minimise the possibility of your daughter spending time with her. Widen your circle smile and do as you like.

Yes racists will find lots of reasons to be racist.

Is she one of those adults who always insists the parents are around? Like, why do you have to be there?

Can't the girls just play together??

Don't go on holiday with them!

Why would you have your daughter around such people?

It is not friendship at any cost?
You are setting your daughter up for the inevitable fall out of this not working out.
Pull back now.
How could you allow a racist comment about your friend pass with out comment?

hahahahaha

yes it does.

I wouldn’t go away with another family even if we’d known them for years and loved them to death and certainly not a school mum ‘friend’ with dubious opinions. Just tell them going away in a group isn’t for you, you don’t have to make it personal.
Then distance yourself a bit, just be polite. Parents don’t have to be involved in their children’s friendship and it becomes less of an issue as the children grow up.