To feel uneasy about this school mum relationship…

[PinkyPhonk]

DD really struggles to make friends, but I’m so delighted that she has now made a friend and her friend is amazing. I’ve had a few playdates, and I feel the Mum has latched on to me a bit.

Thing is, we share very different political views : and a few things have made me really squirm. E.g. we met a friend of mine when we were out, and there was a comment about : what country is she from (in a tone that made me feel uncomfortable. I just shut it down with ‘the UK’.

And I just feel pushed into things before I can say no. A trip away is being planned, and would involve me paying accommodation for all my family on something I otherwise wouldn’t have done. DH is staunchly Labour, and will really create an atmosphere if he comes and any ReformUK type views are expressed. I’m dreading taking him along, but feel weirdly guilty about saying maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come.

I don’t quite ‘get’ what is going on?? I accept that people are different, and think I can stand my ground - but I’m feeling pushed into things, and almost scared of saying/doing the wrong thing??

So you are that desperate for your child to have a friend that you will settle for a bad one.

That’s ridiculous and you know it.

I don’t really understand your intolerance. Your example sound very much like your interpretation. Nothing unkind was said. And it’s important to be able to have friends with different opinions. It used to be normal. I fear we are becoming a more divided society because people refuse to have friends with different opinions. If you are that worried, just make sure she knows your other half is a loyal Labour voter and that politics is best avoided.

Tbh I think you're being a bit over sensitive, from how you have written it the comment doesn't sound horrific, clumsy and odd yes but she didn't hurl a racial slur. Politics are very divisive these days, I know and am friends with lovely reform, labour, liberal and conservative voters, I personally don't care who people vote for as tbh all governments are entirely shit and not worthy enough to divide over, it should be the voters Vs the government instead of all this bickering and falling out between friends, colleagues, family etc on what shit government is a bit less shit than the other.

The fact that your DD has a lovely friend is the main thing here. You don't have to be close to the mum, my mum was never best mates with my friend's mum's. They would chit chat, maybe have a coffee while we played, but we wouldn't do family outings together nor would they meet up without us kids. Can you just be friendly with her, ignore the politics, and let your dd enjoy her friendship?

Also the holiday seems unnecessary, just say you've got other holiday plans "maybe next year," I would never holiday with another family unless they were close mates (as in we the parents close mates).

It's not a "major ick" to call out racists, for Christ's sake!

This. Your DD is friends with her DD, why does there need to be any more to it than that?

She will deny being a racist and get all "offended".

Exactly this

Why do people feel they need to be best friends with their kid’s best friend’s mum? Just keep in polite.

That's not what was said, creating an uncomfortable atmosphere because of politics is the ick. And not everyone who doesn't vote labour is an automatic racist. Especially in this situation when it's just a bloody friendship between two kids.

In the U.K. appearance isn’t enough. There would also need to be a foreign accent for that question to be asked, unless the person asking has been living under a rock for decades. The OP hasn’t given us enough context.

Sorry I really don’t understand statements about being racist just because she asked where are you from? I get asked that pretty much all the time, it’s tiring as I lived here a while but I never considered it’s racist.

It's not. I am going to spell it out for you. I grew up in NI when the Troubles were at their height. I made friends with Catholics and Protestants alike because I was able to set aside their opinions (that had been bred into them down the generations) and see the actual person they were. We didn't ever discuss it so I have no idea how far down the political rabbithole they were on either side.

I was in no doubt, in some cases, that had my dad been for example in the RUC (he wasn't), some of their parents wouldn't have thought twice about shooting him dead or blowing him up.

Makes me think of Ian Paisley snr and Martin McGuinness. Never had any time for either of them - at total opposite ends of the political spectrum. Yet even they managed to set aside their differences in the end and become, if not friends, respectful of each other.

Now your child is going to meet all creeds, colours, races, ethnicities, genders, throughout her life. It's your job to support her in making her way through that and realising that everyone is not the same. My parents taught me tolerance, and I taught my children the same.

Why are you asking if you thought "diversity was a good thing"? Don't you know what you think?

It's not because of politics, it's because of racism.

And maybe don't use words like "ick" if you want your views to be taken seriously

Do they ask you that simply because of your skin colour? Even if you are otherwise a born and bred Brit

if not - then no you won’t understand…

I am from Australia. If I were to go to visit or live in England and someone asked me where I was from because of my accent, would that be considered racist? Or would it simply be viewed as showing an interest?

Some people are just simply interested in other parts of the world and having a conversation with someone from another country can broaden our knowledge of different cultures. I don’t see this as racism.

I got chatting with a couple from England who were visiting Australia and they asked me where I was from. It turned out that they thought my accent was not an Australian accent. Which I found interesting. However, some people might interpret that as racism. I don’t interpret it that way.

I mistook a Canadian accent for an American accent once. Doesn’t make me an ignorant racist. Just I’m human, I don’t know everything and I make mistakes just like everyone else.

Being so quick to judge people, jumping to conclusions and policing people is leading us into being divisive, intolerant, prone to making false accusations, anger, contempt and hatred. That can’t be good for us.

Unless, this person showed a bit more evidence of being racist, how about giving her the benefit of the doubt?

Labour is not a party completely free of racism though is it, her staunchly labour husband could be anti Semitic as many labour MPs and voters have been accused of. Racism and politics are not one of the same, there are plenty of racist labour voters.

A couple summers ago, I - an American - met a guy with an accent that was clearly from somewhere in Britain. In the course of conversation, I asked him where he was from, and he answered, “Wisconsin” in this really cold tone of voice before adding that he was from the north of England (IIRC).

Is this considered a particularly rude question in the UK? In the US, we’re a young enough country that people will just answer “My parents came here from Colombia” or whatever.

Flopsy, I agree that racism is found in every political party. I've known staunch Labour voters who are racist, not extremely so but it's there.

However I never understood why some Labour MPs were accused of antisemitism, that does not make sense to me at all. I can only assume they were not pro-Israel which does not equate to being anti-Jew.

Context is everything, YankSplaining. It depends who says it, why, how and where.

I can tell the difference between honest interest in someone, which would include their background, and suspiciously categorising another person as 'foreign'. The latter happens often unfortunately, I've witnessed it and it makes me cringe.

The guy you mention was probably displaying dry British humour which is usually delivered quite deadpan. I am quite good at that :-).

Was going to say a very similar thing. It's ludicrous to infur it's racist and just indicates the ignorance around whet is racism. Ive been asked the question throughout my life by people of all colours, no big deal and making it one does not help deal with actual racism.

You sound easily controlled by both your husband and this woman work on changing that.

To be fair the English bloke could have adapted the American sense of humour: tell your "joke" in a high-pitched voice and laugh the loudest afterwards so everyone gets that it's a joke. European humour, especially English is too subtle for most Americans.

We are not a white family so I really hope I’m not racist 😂😂

Can you just explain that a sudden expense has come up and you're not able to afford the trip ?

Not being able to afford it is the least confrontational way to go forward.

Funny how you missed the bit where you, as a Brit living in the UK, get asked all the time about where you are from.

I'm guessing this is because it doesn't happen? Why not, if people are only making conversation?

There is nothing wrong in being British. What is wrong is the undertone of "you don't belong here" to someone based on their skin colour.