AIBU colleague leaving do

[Roundandroundd]

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

Is there a tradition at your work place to have a leaving do?

Can you write it like an invitation to the team:
I am arranging a leaving do for Colleague X, it will be on date Y, and you are all invited!, or something like that.
Perhaps they are afraid that they will have to arrange it.

Do people generally work from home? Perhaps they can’t be arsed to come in.
Maybe others don’t have the same view of the person leaving as you. Maybe leaving person is an arse.

What are your colleagues like? Are they the going out types? Do you go out as a team often?

I think it's rude to not reply even to say they won't attend or can't make it.

I usually go to things like this if I can because it's a nice thing to do but I think a lot of people have become more insular since covid and don't bother making an effort anymore.

Are you talking an evening do (which many people might not be able to do easily for any number of reasons), or something tacked onto the work day? You might get a better response for "drinks for 45 minutes after work" (unless you have lots who have to rush off to collect kids from childcare) or "lunch at the pub".

Make it a gathering at work rather than an evening out . People have different priorities in the way they want to spend their time and money. For a collection, I would take the time to visit people at their desks to ask for donations and obviously tap the bosses up for a significant portion.
Lunch gathering in a meeting room , or 4pm at said person's desk . I agree it's a bit shit, and it used to be that people wanted to go out, but money is tight now

Your colleagues' lack of response is terrible! How long has the person been there? Are you the manager?

To answer some questions. I'm not the manager (they very likely won't arrange anything). I'm concerned I guess that me trying to arrange it is maybe being seen as a bit overbearing - I'm only doing it though as it genuinely seems no one else will, the person is leaving very soon and there's been no mention at all, at least not to me, of either a leaving thing or a gift.

Usually I guess it'd be on the person going, to arrange their leaving do - but whilst telling me they'd love one, they seemed very deflated telling me 'but I don't think anyone would come, everyone's busy' (which I think was a nice way of putting it tbh, if that makes sense). So it comes across they don't want to bother asking people because they figure they probably won't show. I'm not sure I'd want to arrange my own leaving do either if I believed no one would show - seems colleague was right!

The person has been there almost the longest of any of us.

I'm not particularly close with colleague either, genuinely just believe a little send off, particularly if it's clear it'd be appreciated, is a nice thing to do.

We don't WFH, we're never all on the same shift together though. We don't really go out together.

This is a great idea, thank you for this. We won't all be in together, but I think something in work could be a lovely idea.

This is on the manager. If the manager is dismissive that permeates down to the team. I would be brave and tell the manager they need to make themselves available for a gift presentation with drinks and snacks at a time of their choice. Then go round desk to desk for the gift collection and card-signing.

Send out one of those e-cards for people to sign. One that collects money and puts it towards a JL gift card or similar.

I always said I'd have a big party when I left, so i arranged my own leaving do - well, dos - when I left last year. One at home, a lunch then dinner with one European office, and lunch with a different European office, then back home and another one there for those who couldn't make it the first time.

I wonder if it would help if she had tried o organise it herself? Still rubbish of the team though. They could at least respond with, "sorry, carn't make it."

Don't know what your workplace is like, but my former manager was apparently told off by HR for organising a collection - no soliciting of funds allowed. They still managed it somehow.

Whilst I agree with the majority of this I don't think you should visit people at their desks for donations. It adds extra pressure. They've not responded so obviously don't want to contribute whether that's because they don't want to or they can't spare the cash and it's not fair to undermine that by asking again in person. However I'm also a believer that leaving presents should be bought by management or the business itself and not by other staff.

Management should definitely be doing something, even if it's just a Costco cake. Start with Management.

Order in pizza or posh sandwiches for lunch - but to do that either everyone has to contribute their share, or manager has to fund it.

I think it's awful that a long-term member of staff isn't being recognised in some way but tbh that's the way it's been going since Covid.

I actually hate a leaving do for me anyway! When I worked in London about 100 years ago, the tradition was to arrange your own leaving do. I wasn't used to that, so didn't, but I was very touched that some of the managers took it upon themselves to organise a do on a riverboat, quite a few colleagues came and I was plyed with champagne all night (hence I don't really remember which colleagues did come lol!)

If it’s a small team I am puzzled why you have not approached them individually or asked your boss to message the group to encourage participation could be a company lunch?

^^ This. A small, close knit team and you haven't spoken to people and got the lie of the land?

Nope… managers should not be organizing this.

The most I do is a private lunch with the departing employee if they want. Anything else either sets up an expectation that I’m a social director if a work time thing or puts undue and unwanted pressure one team members to attend if it’s an after hours thing.

If a team member arranges something after hours, I as a manager, have a very specific role. I show up, buy a round and get the hell out.

Otherwise it’s warm wishes for their future and letting them skate with full pay early.

ETA: It is absolutely inappropriate for managers to shake down employees for contributions.

Oh dear, it’s all a bit of a mess, isn’t it? Really, it should be down to your colleague’s manager to sort this out and it’s really rather poor that they haven’t. Kudos to you for picking up the baton but it shouldn’t be your responsibility and no one should have to organise their own leaving do, no matter whether it’s just coffee and cake or a session down at the pub.

If you read my previous post, I was really clear why this was. We don't all work together on the same shift. I'm not going into outing-level details - but it stands to reason if some colleagues may not see each other by the time colleague leaves, then sending out a message together, that I know will have been received by everyone, is the easiest way.

I mean, as another poster said, I'm picking up the baton here myself. Why do people need to be chased/spoken to in person - almost as if the suggestion is that people can't manage to respond to a message all by themselves? It's the bare minimum, really, and that's not even being done. I'm genuinely confused by it!

Thank you for your kind words, it's appreciated.

I'm at such a loss now, and feel a bit defeated. I don't want to pressure people - it's clear no one can be bothered for some reason, whether they're busy or otherwise, and it makes me feel so sad for colleague. But I can only ask. If people feel pushed into agreeing though they don't really want to, they'll just drop out with some emergency or illness, anyway.

It will have been clear to colleague why I was asking 'didn't you want a leaving thing' - I hope they haven't got their hopes up. 😪

I have to respectfully agree with previous posters. Managers absolutely set and lead the tone and behaviour of staff. Examples are set by leaders.

When that example isn't set, no one follows, obviously. And it can create a work culture and morale issue.

How it used to work is a card is bought and sent around with people adding money into the envelope with list of names on a separate piece of paper once card signed you tick your name off. Not sure how it works now since covid and wfh. I'm self employed now so don't have colleagues.

I don’t see that you can do any more, it’s really not your responsibility. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I know you feel bad - perhaps a card and a little personal gift might help you feel better about the circumstances and at least they’ll know that you appreciated them but as I’ve said, it really should not be down to you.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. I just think that's really sad for your colleague who is leaving. I also think it's sad for you, as a person with a generous heart, as you will have to carry on working with people who you know don't give a shit about other people's feelings.

Little things mean a lot to some, for various reasons. My DH works his socks off for his employer. At Christmas, he got given a bottle of nice champagne and a thanks for all the hard work by his line manager. Just him. You should have seen his face. He doesn't even drink. It was just the thought that made him beam.

You are a thoughtful and kind person.