AIBU colleague leaving do

[Roundandroundd]

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

I agree with PP's suggestions of an e-card, and a cake at the desk and a little leaving speech from manager. As there is no money forthcoming for a gift, this at least marks the leaving.

Disagree about some comments about the manager role. The manager absolutely should be making sure something is in place to mark the leaving other than just a 1-1. They should either delegate it, or if that isn't possible, do it themselves. It takes very little time to set up an e-card, buy a cake and set up a quick gathering to say a nice thank you speech. That is part of a 'respectful culture'. Culture doesn't just form itself, managers should take a lead and not just expect employees to pick up their slack on it.

OP, you say that the leaving colleague has been there longer than most of you, so therefore he/she must've seen other colleagues come and go. What usually happens when others have left your Company? Do they all receive a leaving do or at least a card or small gift for example?

And If yes to to my last question, does your colleague also willingly contribute to other people's leaving gifts etc?
If they do then YANBU to feei that your colleague should also be thought of and be given the same sort of send off.

If however your colleague never bothers when it comes to whip rounds for other leavers (or for other people's special occasions, such as a wedding or a new baby), then YABU to expect everyone to chip in for him/her.

OP:

"I asked colleague were they having a leaving do/did they want one - they responded they'd love one, but didn't think anyone would come as everyone's busy. There was no mention of one, until I asked. "

Thats not what your opening post said.

"A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do"

No assumptions made by me. Only based my response off of what you wrote. You made no mention that YOU asked THEM if THEY wanted a leaving do in your opening post/remarks.....🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Big difference when you have asked, vs what your opening post said, which signifies it was your colleague that wanted a leaving do.

Anyway, its still grabby and needy. Whatever.

Good luck to your colleague in whatever their new path provides.

I'm surprised it took this long for a joyless and misery inducing post like this to appear.

Wanting to say goodbye to your colleagues (or in my case it would be workmates) is not being needy for goodness sake.

Some people actually like and get on with their team and even socialise with them outside of work.

Opening post was describing the situation as a whole, not back and forth conversational minutes - which is utterly irrelevant and silly. Most people are able to grasp that in explaining that the person does actually want the leaving do (important contextual info, if we don't even know if they actually want one, then it's pointless getting bothered about), that how this came about is not so important, until someone describes them as grabby for verbalising that they'd appreciate it.

It's perfectly normal to give extra contextual information when someone has misunderstood somehow, and ran away with it.

Not sure how or why you still think they are grabby - are you one of the ones lurking as an otherwise normal colleague, but underneath completely miserable? Cheer up, it might never happen. At least in this case, it certainly won't, so your ilk can be pleased!

People should reply.
They are totally within reason to reply 'no'.

I’ve had something similar happen twice on teams I’ve managed and both times it’s been because the person wasn’t very popular.

The fact the colleague said she didn’t think anyone would attend a leaving do for her may be a sign she knows she isn’t popular and by trying to arrange this and failing, you may not be doing her a kindness (if she knows you are doing it).

I always noticed at my last place that certain people got made a huge fuss of for their every life event, while others got ignored. Quite often the former were those who maintained a high profile and gave the impression of doing loads, whereas those who beveared away in the background d supporting others were the ones who got ignored.

There no bigger fish to fry in life than human connections. And the consequences of this attitude is manifesting itself in all areas of life.
OP is becoming a rariety in that they care about someone else without any obvious upside for themselves. And the cool stand off management style is rubbish too.
I don't know how we reverse this but it is another disconnect that is increasingly isolating us from each other.
Good on OP for at least trying.

Absolutely make it in work time. Work nights out are not most people's priority. Have a nice little 'fiddle's card and some flowers.

You could do a little send off in the staff room, put some sandwiches and nibbles on and cakes maybe - people will turn up for that because they love free food.

I would speak to the manager and ask them to pitch in

Are your colleagues friendly outside of work? Do they have occasional drinks after work or lunches together? Is the leaving colleague joining in usually?
I can be odd when a leaving do / card is organised for someone who doesn’t usually take part in the office social life. Why do I want to spend money/time because someone I never talk to is changing companies? - it is a big event for them but not for me IYSWIM.

Absolutely don't do that!!! Don't visit peoples desks asking for donations. That's one way to get pulled up by management. No one should feel pressured into donating. You don't know peoples own financial position.

No problem sending a generic email saying donations welcome, but to all and not naming anyone.

Send an e card for signing and a collection.
Leaving do- it seems odd if you don't do drinks normally and don't see each other because you are on shifts - maybe organise some cakes in the office and then say you are going for drinks after. I would speak directly to a couple of people so that you have a small number of definites
Managers don't organise these in our place - as it would feel compulsory- but they should take lead in signing card and contributing and going for at least one drink

OP what is usual at your workplace when someone leaves? What’s happened in the past?

I think it depends when you're having the 'do'. We always had leaving dos within work hours. If it's after hours, people might not have the availability or will after a full day of work.

Exactly

That’s disappointing.

Since adulthood I’ve left four jobs and have had lovely “send offs”, even in a role where I was only seconded for 6mths I was taken for lunch and presented with a bouquet of flowers.

as others have said make it a day time event - either a lunch, or if that’s not the company culture, cake round the coffee machine.

Because I’ve always been treated well by my leaders, I’ve tried to infuse my own leadership with the same generosity of spirit and thoughtfulness. Could you have a word with this persons manager and ask what the plan is. I think leaders are as responsible for ensuring an appropriate off boarding as on boarding

Invite work colleagues to cake & drinks at their desk at lunchtime ?

I am selective about which leaving events/dos I attend, and almost never do any other socialising outside of work time with my colleagues, helpful, professional and pleasant that they are.

That said, I politely decline invitations, wish the person well, and do so in good time. No reason not to.

In my case given my rare attendance, when I retire I don't want a leaving do, in a way it would be wrong to ask for or expect one. My way of thanking the good colleagues will be to ensure as much as I can, whoever takes my job has as much information as possible so they can succeed.

I have been to 3 leaving dos (plus another one next month) in the space of a couple of months as colleagues have left or decided to retire early due to the horrible store manager who has made our lives a misery.

I am also leaving for multiple reasons in just under a fortnight's time but on annual leave for 2 weeks after that. The new store manager who has been there since May has made me cry so much - I am number 10 to leave because of him. There have been a couple of students that left - they were expected as going to uni and transferred to a store closer to uni.

My colleagues, current and former get on so well and we have a laugh. Need to arrange my do - get dates that we can do together. Ones that can't go I will arrange to have an afternoon tea somewhere just with 3 or 4 of us.

"Examples are set by leaders"

Yes they are, just because someone has 'manager' in their job title doesn't make them a leader. The senior person is just showing how highly they think of the entire team.

Wevrareky have leaving dos. If we do, it's a lunchtime thing. I arrange all the leaving collections and have to spend a lot of time nagging people!

We email the team to say there’s a collection for someone and where it is (usually hidden in a draw or with someone).

the person’s friend organises it and brings the collection round coz people forget etc. it’s not offensive to bring it round. We don’t have purses on us so nice to be reminded.

then normally the person leaving brings some cakes in on their last day, maybe pops to the local place for lunch eg pub and it’s open invite.

id go to your team and ask if they want to put in. When you’re not in ask someone else to do it or just do it over a few shifts. I don’t take radio silence as a no because I often forget from an email so am glad of reminders.

When I worked full time, I can honestly say that most people resented doing anything that involved infiltrating their own time, ie after work, evenings. This was long before covid. Interestingly, the men seemed more willing (and able, time wise) to go. Fast forward to today, and absolutely nobody I know, wants to go out in the evening. Daytime yes; evenings, absolutely no.