AIBU colleague leaving do

[Roundandroundd]

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

People don't want to. There are loads of reasons why they don't want to or can't and some of them will be about the place that you work. It's sad for the leaver but it's fair that they are responding to their environment.
Do not personally hassle people for donations.
Maybe make a request from management for a small social budget to be shared equally between equivalent occasions - eg every time someone leaves there can be a cake in the office in the last hour or a lunchtime. Don't put it on individuals that they suddenly have to find time and money for something that hasn't happened before, maybe they have had significant life events ignored or seen their best friend leave unremarked and they don't see why they suddenly have to dance to this tune.

In my opinion you really shouldn't do collections for leaving gifts. It creates so much potential for upset - people feeling pressured to spend their money on a colleague, people getting sad if they get a smaller gift. Ideally there should be a small, standard budget so everyone gets a same value gift for specific occasions and it comes from the company - which chose to have a working relationship with the person, whereas colleagues didn't - and if people have close friendships outside work they get an extra gift outside work. In situations where it's not possible (eg public sector where you can't spend money that way), the manager should ensure it's equal - eg by buying a card for each person and arranging after work drinks, and preferably setting up a culture where you build teams where at least a few people would want to attend. It sucks that your company doesn't do this!
Same for leaving do, it should be standard or otherwise up to the individual to arrange.

I agree with earlier suggestion to make it a work time gathering. At my place we usually have a lunch in our communal lunch room with either pizza deliveries (chipped in by staff) or/and food contributions from staff.

As much as we may like/respect colleagues, giving up our 'free time' to spend with them and other colleagues (who we may NOT like!) can be a bit much for some people.

Staff at our place usually do contribute a small amount to collections (some senior staff can be very generous also), and there is no problem bringing round a big envelope with leaving card inside and leaving it with staff asking them to sign card and make whatever contribution they want then pass it on to 'so and so', so you're not standing over them watching what they do/don't put in collection. It's easy to ignore an email, but when someone brings card to you then you can't ignore it.

It's the not even bothering to say 'No thanks ' that would bug me. At least you know for the future not to attempt anything for other team members.

Your post made me think of the Sir Patrick Stewart, Yorkshire Tea Tina’s Leaving Do ad. Senior leaders have an important part to play in setting the culture. My previous director always made a point of celebrating these important rights of passage and set the tone from the top. It would be a three line whip to attend.

It's tough.

I had to do a leaving collecting for a bloke who did permanent nights and had been on the sick for ages, half the staff didn't know him and the other half couldn't stand him.

It took me weeks of pestering to get £100.

I think leaving dos are a bit dated to be honest. That person is choosing to leave. It has nothing to do with their colleagues.

If they've built up strong relationships with colleagues then no doubt they'll endure but honestly you shouldn't expect people to attend something if they really are just neutral about the person.

Changing jobs is so commonplace it's really doesn't warrant a celebration.

YANBU

They sound miserable! How poor for your colleague that is leaving

If it's really small and close knit then I understand it.

I work in a number of huge teams with high turnover and often when I get an 'x is leaving' email I don't actually know who they are from Adam so in those cases I will admit I don't reply.

Not answering from close colleagues I find not acceptable.

I used to always be the one to organise stuff like this and I would email everyone, rarely get a full response and having warned them, I would then go around with my collection bucket. If there was no wish for an external leaving do, I would just organise a 15 minute "goodbye" session in the office, and present the present and the card which I had sent around for signing.

Since lockdown and the vast change in peoples working habits, I have seen a vast change in peoples willingness to do stuff like this. Where there are groups that have socialised for a long time, its usually not a big pain but as more and more people join a team that work remotely, their desire to come into the office wains. Its a shame,

I haven't been to leaving drinks in years due to childcare commitments &/or it being a pain to get to.

I have been to leaving lunches though - could this be a compromise?
Separate to the above there would be a presentation in the office, from a senior member of staff, of appreciation to the person leaving.

A lot of this depends on location of your office. I work on an industrial estate so we have to drive to get there

But we don't know if the leaving colleague has happily contributed themselves towards cards or gifts for other previous leavers.

I asked the OP if the colleague has, but they've not answered as yet.

This.

I'd only go to an out of work hours thing where I had to pay out of my own money if it was someone I genuinely liked.

I would not want to spend my own money and free time on a colleague I had no relationship with or didn't particularly like.

Is this colleague well liked? Definitely do something in work hours - card and short speech at their desk, and a cake.

OP I think you’ve offered to do a lovely thing and for whatever reasons your colleagues can’t/wont engage in it. I think at this stage I would just be honest with your colleague who is leaving and say that because of everyone’s commitments (no reason not to soften the blow) you’ve been unable to arrange anything. How about the two of you go out for a little lunch and you could give her your present instead?

Unfortunately it’s impossible to get people to engage if they don’t want to. It was a lovely thought but i think based on what you’ve said it isn’t going to happen so (gentle) honesty really is the best policy. If you’ve bought them a little present I’m sure it will be really appreciated.

People will come on here and say why should anyone bother if its after work - jesus christ this is what is wrong with society

You spend most of your waking hours in a job and people give so little consideration for your feelings they can't even be bothered to TALK ABOUT how to say goodbye to you

ITs f-ing outrageous and a sign of the sad times we live in where people are so atomised - one hour or so after work to make someone feel appreciated.

At this point I would go to someone senior and be absolutely clear that it is not acceptable someone leaving with no thank you or goodbye after so long.

I would then send an email to everyone saying - It would really be awful not to say goodbye to X so please can we consider how best to do this - if it needs to be a lunch during work day management need to step up and support it.

you are being the best person in this scenario OP

I have to say - I really do think that management need to organise some sort of 'goodbye' for a long term employee - and perhaps that is cake and a card in the office at 2pm one afternoon? If nothing else. You can't let this poor person slip out without a goodbye.

I've had to go right back and remind myself what the OP's 'AIBU' was!

AIBU for this [feeling sad], and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

What would your 'calling this out' look like, OP?

I find this very sad, when they have been there for the longest amount of time yet colleagues don’t respect them enough to have a few goodbye drinks together or chip in for a gift.

I’d personally take them for a drink myself and get them a gift, you have now seen everyone else’s true colours. Selfish gits.

Thanks, you got what I was getting at. I swear I’m not Scrooge, I just have witnessed managers trying to do too much in this area and never ends well.

@Roundandroundd Either the team organizes something like this or they don’t. If they don’t it’s not the managers job to force it. Because it would be forced if a manger sent around emails ‘encouraging’ participation because there is a power differential in a manager/employee relationship.

I’m not defensive of anything. Just sharing a perspective that some won’t have if they’ve never been a people manager. I really do hope you can rally the team to send off your colleague.

Most people have a life outside of work to have those human connections.

And sure, many will have them in work too.

But the priority will always be those outside of work - close friends/family.

Work is a means to an end. So what if someone is leaving? Good luck to them / fuck em off, depending on your world view.

Some people actually like and get on with their team and even socialise with them outside of work.

Some of us socialise outside of work, even after we've left.

Gosh, there are some joyless souls on here. When DD left university and stayed in her university city to work she made friends with her workmates because she didn't know anyone else.

Some mumsnetters seem to be unable to imagine that not everyone lives close to the friends they grew up with or were at university with and don't live near family.
DD would have been pretty lonely if she didn't socialise with her workmates now and again.

I'm a manager of a large team. Huge part of the job is managing people so it is important to create and maintain a supportive culture that recognises life events such as big birthdays, bereavements, leaving do's etc. It is a bit like being a social director!

I have all my team's birthdays in my calendar and wish them a happy birthday. Big birthdays are celebrated with a gift that most folk contribute to. I have a few on the team who love planning and gift buying so ask for volunteers first, if I don't get interest I do it myself.

I don't expect my team to contribute towards everything, small gifts to say 'sorry for your loss' or 'get well soon' I send myself and sign off 'from fucket and the team' (or similar)

So what if someone is leaving?....you sound pretty horrible. I have shed tears on colleagues last days because I developed friendships with them, worked together with a shared purpose, knew I would really miss them (and did). I have very good and deep relationships with my children, family and friends but I also have the ability to really care about colleagues and they about me. In fact because I live away from immediate family and mu oldest friends, they probably know far more about my daily life than others I am in theory much closer to. I can't understand this either or perspective or the idea that if you are friends with work colleagues it is somehow taking something away from this other 'real' arena of relationships. They are all a jumble as far as I'm concerned. Two of my very closest friends I met through work though we have long since stopped being colleagues. I click with people or I don't and I don't artificially divide them into categories. And no, you don't have to he besties with everyone at work but you should play your part on making it a collegial and welcoming place where at all possible.