AIBU colleague leaving do

[Roundandroundd]

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

My goodness, you’re a joy aren’t you!

It is absolutely the responsibility of the manager to acknowledge the work and contribution of the departing colleague by some sort of event - if not them, then who?

No one should feel obliged to contribute to a leaving gift - hence the circulation of the anonymous card/contribution.

I’m glad I never had to work with someone so grudging.

It’s great that you want to organize something… but It’s not a manager’s job to plan and execute this type of activity.

It’s my job to do the following:

• set expectations for a respectful culture
• empower and encourage my teams to work together
• empower team to show appreciation for each other
• inject a little fun and ‘something to tell your spouse/friend about at the end of the day’ on occasion - not tied to any event.
• Encourage growth professionally for employees
• encourage employees to advance (internally or externally)
• Show appreciation with opportunities for advancement, development, and more money
• And all of those boring but necessary business things that have to get done in a day.

Any manager will tell you that organizing anything other than a 1:1 leaving thing is a recipe for disaster long term. You can’t force employees to participate, you can’t force them to give money, someone will always feel slighted.

If my employees organize something themselves, great! If they don’t, then that’s fine too. Like I said I offer a 1;1 lunch so everyone gets the same leaving do from me.

How do I know this is the right approach? I get pictures of my remote team’s cube decorations by their coworkers, I was invited to a team chat made up by team that they had nicknamed “The Dream Team” (which I promptly left after they shared some good personal news), any time I offer 1 employee an ‘atta boy’ their first reaction is to tell me it was a team effort. I once had to negotiate with a terminally shy employee a 40th work anniversary present from her coworkers that consisted of an unwrapped box left under her desk with the present and nobody saying a word about it out loud.

I’m sorry that your coworker isn’t getting a big a farewell, quite frankly that sucks. But how much better would morale be if your manager forced the team?

I'm sorry but your perspective of your job description is completely irrelevant to this thread - why have you posted that?

I personally find it a bit wide, to take credit for workers in your team going to effort for one another in the lack of yours (beyond a 1 to 1) ie the cube decorations. Have you considered that they are making the effort to include you because they are simply nice people, and are trying to include you? I do the exact same with my own manager. I don't agree with their lack of initiative to ask the team if they'd like to do something for the colleague leaving, and I'd prefer it wasn't left to me because so far it seems, no one can be bothered. I'm still nice to my manager regardless of this fact, and will include them, because I don't ostracise people, management or not.

It's not a sign of anything working. It's a sign some really lovely people work for you - don't take credit for that. It also could be worth just considering maybe they are making a point of showing you that staff enjoy celebrations, and other staff engage in it. If this was the case though, it's clearly been missed.

Beyond that - honestly this was so irrelevant, almost defensive, it's peculiar. At no point did I say management should badger people to contribute financially to a gift, or pressure them to attend. Asking the question, and having the thought would have been nice - as would people simply responding, to be honest.

I feel as though you may have missed the entire point here.

Arrange it for when most people are actually in on the last day of the month. Send and invite blocking out time saying if they could come great. Say there will be lunch provided in x space. Assume this is possible.

If mo one replies, then ask for a budget to take x out for lunch on company time. Dont rush back. If nothing else, you'll get the low down on lots. You'll also be able to reflect if its really the close knit team you describe as not replying doesn't say close knit to me. They can't all be rude and don't care so find out what the real reason is.

Are people working at desks or on their feet? Has anyone seen the messages?

Really, the leaver should have arranged it

Once its arranged get the colleague who is leaving to do the whole 'hey are you coming to my leaving do?'. In my last job we didn't go out together but we went to leaving dos. I scheduled mine last minute on purpose so that it wasn't 30 people and instead those that I was closer to/preferred/worked with the most and who I would have genuine conversation with.

We also always got a leaving gift, and the pressure doesn't have to be on for getting money off people but it's a nice thing to do to recognise how they have contributed over the years. They don't sound like nice people, however, with the cost or living crisis maybe they all are stumped and avoiding saying we can not afford to do either.

Thank box is your friend. An online card where people can donate money if they want and write msgs.
I'm sorry your company is being shit.

Sorry no one has replied at all, that's a bit rubbish. And a bit odd for a small close-knit team. The way we always do it is that we go for a team lunch somewhere near the office and also have a card and envelope which lives in a drawer in the office for people to sign/contribute in the run up. Someone sends an email round everyone saying 'we're having a lunch on x date for y's leaving, please accept or decline the invite so we know numbers'. If you send it like a calendar invite then they are prompted to respond one way or the other. I agree that people are generally less keen to do after work stuff these days.

Miserable sods. I would do a lunch leaving do with posh nibbles and present leaver with a bouquet of flowers and a gift and make a short speech. At lunch wveryone has to come..
I damn well would go to everyone asking for money too.
Your managers suck btw and your colleagues.

In a similar situation where a colleague had decided to retire a bit early because of challenges with their actual manager (my peer) I
secured £500 funding from work which I used to book a buffet in a bar right next to the office for straight after work (with people to buy their own drinks)
invite from my work calendar set up in outlook with everyone she wanted and some blurb about forwarding
dragged the manager and his pa in so they were part of arrangements
set up a thank box for a collection and sent numerous reminders that it was available to the invitee list and others at remote locations, in the leadership team etc
personally prompted people re the leaving event - we didn’t have everyone who had been close to her but we had a decent turn out

It was time consuming but did mean that colleague was able to leave on the right note.
You sound like you’re waiting for permission but unless you work in a very toxic environment you shouldn’t need it - if you take the initiative others will just remember it as a positive reflection on you and how you live your values in the workplace

If you don't normally go out together that isn't going to change now

I don't know what, if anything, you should do but that is fucking miserable of them and there really is zero excuse. Some will find excuses as they have on here - money, time, other commitments - but the bottom line is that people are increasingly unwilling to extend themselves for others or even just have a bit of fun and connection outside of their own 'lane'. I've contributec to and attended leavers dos for people when very new to jobs, it is all part of creating a culture of giving a shit and treating each other like humans, not automatons. I don't know how people can box off a whole section of their lives where they spend lots of time as 'that's work' and apparently not care one damn about people they have worked alongside and gotten to know over years. No wonder late stage capitalism is as rapacious as it is, there is so little solidarity amongst people.

Your colleagues are selfish so-and-sos.

YANBU

"A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do"

Sounds very grabby, needy and demanding.

No wonder nobody cares about attending some pseudo-leaving do.

People have bigger fish to fry. So what if this person trained others, regardless of whether it was their job or not, they were paid to do it.

Work is work, not a social club.

Meh.

What a cold and mean spirited way to live. We all have bigger fish to fry in theory but is it really that much to ask to chuck tenner in a card or go and raise a glass to someone you have worked alongside or found a good colleague (or even an ok one!) over years. As for considering it grabby or demanding, I have no words. Maybe, just maybe this human being, not machine, would like to.leave feeling good about themselves, their work, their colleagues, I consider that a perfectly normal thing to want.

I think too many people are missing the point. It would be nice to show appreciation for someone who has worked with you for a long time.
Due to everyone's lack of interest, I would pass round a card to sign and perhaps take in a cake [homemade or bought, doesn't matter] to have a little celebration in the afternoon for whoever is there. When one of my colleagues left after a long time, everyone commented on how they would be missed but no one made any effort for them. I found that very sad.
I also find that the higher up the company ladder they are, the stingier they are.

So why doesnt this wanting-a-leaving-do-grabby-human organise it themselves?

Not unheard of for leavers to organise drinks down the pub etc.

As for the tenner in a card, may not be much to you, but a tenner is a lot of money to piss away for someone who is leaving given financial pressures of this day and age.

Perhaps the OP should contact you to organise proceedings and also pay for it?

Unless of course, pot, kettle and all that....

Just arrange an e-card that everyone can sign remotely and write in good wishes, don't ask for money.

People aren't replying because they don't want to come, but feel awkward being put on the spot.

At my work, these collections and 'do's are endless and add up, particularly if you a lower earner and struggling. Many have made the decision that they don't go to work to spend money. As long as they don't expect it when they leave, that's fair enough IMO.

It's a kind thought but it sounds like your colleague had the lay of the land with their initial comment.

They’re just rude. Wouldn’t want to work there.

This is perfect. I used to decline evenings for drinks for genuine reasons e.g couldn't afford it/ had to collect children from nursery/too tired after working 40 hour week etc. My last job used to book a room at work, and people brought in cakes and juice to say farewell. It was lovely. If the leaver asks, why didn't you arrange drinks out? Just explain that it was too difficult arranging a time/date to suit everyone. Also email everyone asking if they want to sign the leavers card, it's a pound to contribute. If they give a pound, they sign the card. We used to get more people willing to contribute, when we only asked for a pound. Quite a few stuck in notes too. Send a reminder the day before the collection closes e.g. if you want to sign the leaving card, tomorrow is the last day to do it. Seemed to work well at the last place I worked.

There's nothing grabby about it - it appears you've made this assumption just as an excuse to be mean-spirited, on your part, to be honest?

I asked colleague were they having a leaving do/did they want one - they responded they'd love one, but didn't think anyone would come as everyone's busy. There was no mention of one, until I asked. They're not grabby, or expectant, at all.

I think @saltinesandcoffeecups is right in her approach - the key thing for the company is consistency between how people are treated. As the OP has discovered, organising leaving do’s is a massive time suck and there will likely be big discrepancies over who people will show up for. By taking them out for lunch herself Saltines is making sure they all get the same acknowledgement and if they want to arrange something else then that’s not a company thing, It’s also v common for the manager to buy a round and disappear- reason being that staff might find it hard to genuinely relax if their boss is there. Companies are also increasingly reluctant to organise work drinks as a work occasion due to potential fall out from behaviour.

Honestly though, I’m not sure I’d go to many leaving drinks now. They were fun when I was in my twenties/ early thirties and child free and didn’t have anything else on but now I’ve got dc to shuttle to places most nights. It would just feel like an obligation.

I think cake by desk during work hours is best bet.

You are wonderful, and your poor colleague. I agree completely that your other colleagues are behaving really poorly. That said, I do think you need to speak to them not just message. It may be that some of them are just assuming it's all happening and planning to attend even though they haven't bothered to respond.

You day a few people have responded - could you arrange for at least those few people and you to do something with the leaving colleague? So instead of "the whole team is getting together for your leaving do" it's "Mary and Fred and Sue and I want to go out after a shift in your last drink to say goodbye".

Also, everywhere I have ever worked (office based job so possibly different to your environment) one of the support staff buys one of those A4 size Sorry you are Leaving cards, writes everyone's name on a price of paper clipped to the outside, and makes sure it is circulates around everyone - idea is that you sign it, pop some cash into the envelope for the gift (no one knows what anyone puts in so no embarrassment about people putting in different amounts or being pressured to pay more than you can afford), cross your name off and pass it to the next person. Could you do something like that? Everyone will at least sign a card, surely?

This is a lesson learned. I have just learnt it myself.

I tried to organise a gift for someone going on maternity. Out of about 20 people 6 gave to the collection. The rest didnt reply to 3 emails. Even the woman's boss and our big boss never replied or contributed. Tight bastards. Never again.

That is so sad. I'm sure your colleague really appreciates the effort you made so she could have something - how disappointing some of your colleagues could not even appreciate your effort and at least respond. I just don't understand people sometimes.

I've only once not been able to financially contribute to a leaving gift (in a previous job). When management asked me (as they will have asked everyone else), I was very honest and just said 'I know you're not asking much of a contribution, but things are tight just now so I'm unable to'. Management responded it was no problem at all, didn't make me feel at all uncomfortable for it, and that was it. I suppose I felt OK about saying no, because they were aware I always contributed and made an effort usually - I was just genuinely unable to on this occasion. I was grateful they let me sign the card - though I wouldn't have expected them to had I not answered them at all!

It’s a culture thing. I think it’s sad, but your colleague evidently had the measure of the place when she said she didn’t think anyone would come.

@saltinesandcoffeecups it is down to the manager to set the cultural tone, and paying attention to these sorts of ‘rituals’ is an important part of team and organisational cohesion. Yes, part of your job is being a sort of ‘social director’, and if you don’t have the skills then you need to find someone on the team who does.