AIBU colleague leaving do

[Roundandroundd]

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

It's easy to see how doing a collective present and a celebration for someone is a nice thing to do. It is less easy to see how and whether any particular individual has responsibility for making it happen. Most people are living their lives against an unwritten hierarchy of tasks that will never be completed, and the question is how far do you get down the list before you fall into bed and start again tomorrow. High up on the list are usually keeping yourself and your family materially afloat and reasonably sane. Moving anything up the list means moving something else down.
In the past, women were tasked implicitly with giving physical and social comfort to those around them and their livelihoods depended on performing them. The tasks ranked pretty high up in their lists.
At the same time, people in general tended to work for long periods of years in physical and social spaces shared with a relatively consistent group of people. Performing tasks which showcased and celebrated these bonds was a rational thing to do in a situation in which it was celebrating something that was real and made people feel good about their situation in life.

Both of these things have changed. Women have to / can do / must other things than be socially sweet to keep roofs over our heads. Workplaces constantly chop and change and rationalise and restructure and do not even supply their employees with a constant desk they can put a family photo on, still less any more real kind of security. In this context it seems quaint that people are still expecting someone to celebrate someone leaving, as you would your child going to university or your parents' big anniversary. The bonds are not there to be celebrated and the people who would have to contribute their resource to do so, do not have it to spare.

I would love to be in a real workplace team, I have experienced this for decades of my life and I enjoyed it. I've been given leaving presents and have arranged them and it meant something. But the actual experience of feeling you work in a team day to day meant more, and is more worth mourning. This is just a symptom of how work has changed, not a moral failing to be bemoaned.

Even if you just give that person a card and bunch of flowers from yourself, then that's still nice. If people aren't contributing then that's what you'll have to do. We had an unpopular member of staff leave. No wanted to contribute. One lady ended up buying her a bunch of flowers, I gave her a couple of quid and it was from us. People can be horrible. But you can't make them contribute or meet up.

You aren't being unreasonable, I would be sad too that no-one wanted to make an effort. At the very least, they should reply to your messages even if it's just to confirm they can't attend.

I am entitled to spend my free time and money exactly how I wish.
If being a "Queen bee" means Danielle has taken time to get to know everyone in the office and I have a genuine relationship with her, then of course I'm more likely to take the time to go to her leaving do than someone who has never responded to any friendly overtures and - importantly- is highly unlikely themselves to make an effort to go to a leaving do.

And for the record these last several posts about bullying queen bees and others asserting agency over their time and resources are why it’s a bad idea for management to force things!

If I were to step in and walk up to @rookiemere ’s desk to let her know I was scheduling an after hours work do for Danielle, what is going to happen to her morale? She’s going to be thinking “shit, Saltines is organizing it I guess that means I have to go”. The power dynamic even if unintentional is still there.

Yes they should and it's so sad for the person leaving to have so much apathy. I work with a large number of colleagues and have attended almost all farewells.

lunchtime, or cake in the afternoon?

Try daytime and no necessity to book leave. On the premises perhaps too.

Where I work only real oddities left without a big send off with exception of a few who didn’t want a do. The culture seems to have changed. When I decide to retire I will - hopefully - at least have a good team send off. It’s mostly COVID that’s changed things. Working from home has some impact but it’s mostly just that we all fell out of the habit of do’s for Christmas, leaving, babies etc.

I agree with in person email that there is a collection. (Is there a staffroom?) We would have a collection envelope (everyone just put in what they could no special amount) and card would leave in staffroom for everyone to contribute and sign when Staff member wasn't about. And then it would be put in a special place for people to go to when they were in. The get together could just be in the office with a banner and a few nibbles on her last day if no one can go out.

Thank you for trying to organise something and ultimately, cover for your colleagues' lack of thought and care.
No suggestions really, but shame on them.
Your card and small token will be appreciated.

This is so sad. It reminds me of a time in school when the whole class was invited to a boy's birthday party and I was the only one who showed up.
I live like a hermit these days: people are just awful.

I don’t have much to add, but you sound like a kind and thoughtful person. I would always add something to to leaving pot even when it was someone I didn’t particularly like, or know. You have tried, I feel sorry for the colleague that’s leaving, however I’m sure you’ll do your own thing to acknowledge them, which will be something they’ll remember.

I don't think it's got anything to do with money. As PPs have said upthread, people have become more insular post covid and aren't all that fussed about socialising in the evenings, least of all with work colleagues.

OP - As others have said, make it a lunchtime/afternoon gathering (ie during work hours) and everyone will show up!

Send another message asking that they let you know either way if they can make the leaving do or not so you can arrange it to suit the number of people attending. Also ask for suggestions for the leaving gift & give them a date you'll be going out to buy it so if they can get their contribution in before then you'd appreciate it. If they still don't respond I'd be tempted to arrange a coffee date with the colleague who's leaving for you & her to have a cuppa & cake & get her a small gift just from you.

Leaving dos outside working hours are tricky. I don't attend them unless I am very good friends with the person. I'm not going to otherwise sacrifice my precious personal time for someone I will never see again.

Most leaving dos in my workplace are a card + coffee and tea at work and then the people who are very close choose to go out for some drinks afterwards.

Harsh but we are all overworked and poor on time.