AIBU colleague leaving do

[Roundandroundd]

Fully expect to be told I am, but hoping I'm not.

A colleague whom has been with us a long time, is leaving, and they've told me they'd love a leaving do, nothing much, would be a couple of hours and the usual kind of thing (nothing out there, not activities etc) - but they didn't think anyone will come due to being 'busy' etc.

The colleague has at some point, helped us all with training etc.

I sent out a message to try arrange a small thing for them leaving, as well as a leaving gift if people wanted to contribute, and made clear date and time was flexible to suit. Not one person replied. So, I then made a suggestion of an actual date, and, to avoid being outed, I'll just say it's not much better. Most of the team has just not replied, about either the gift or the leaving 'do'.

AIBU to think this is really unpleasant? I get not everyone likes these things, a lot would prefer to stay at home, or are busy, but when a member of staff on a small close-knit team who has been there for a long time is leaving, you should make the effort to attend, for them? It's up to others what they do of course, but I'm also looking at the lack of effort to even respond and thinking it's just really rude behaviour?

I feel really sad for colleague, as it's becoming obvious there's not going to be a do, and probably no small gift either (I will still get them one regardless). I also feel sad no one can even be bothered really responding about it. AIBU for this, and if so, please talk me down - because I feel I might end up calling this out, it takes 2 seconds to say ' I'm sorry, I can't'.

OP - you have asked your colleagues and they don’t want to go or donate any money. You may not like it but that’s how it is.

Stop pushing it or trying to make people do something they don’t want to.

If you want to give a gift then go ahead

They don't have to go, nor donate. But having been asked, it would be polite to at least say, "thanks for asking, unfortunately I'm not available /I can't donate currently," or at least respond in some way. No response at all makes them the rude ones.

Maybe they haven’t replied because they haven’t seen the email? Or they read it and meant to reply but forgot?

I don’t get why OP and other people on her are getting wound up about not getting a reply - just accept they don’t want to go/contribute and move on.

Thinking about it, in all the companies I have worked for the dynamic was: person leaving sends an invite for leaving drinks (they reserve a space in a local pub and put some money on a tab for 1-2 rounds of drinks. Following up on the email, a close colleague will send a second email to organise card/collection.

Yes you spend "most of your waking hours in a job". And this is exactly why I choose not to use any of my limited and very precious free time on work related gatherings.

I do however think it's rude that few have even replied to the OP, and I will happily contribute to a collection for a gift and card.

But I absolutely will not give up my time when I already spend 8 hours a day at work. And I wouldn't expect colleagues to do it for me either.

I'm horrible?

Thanks.

Still, at least I dont shed tears for people when they leave my place of work.

I can cry over more important things - like say, perhaps, when I lost a parent to cancer earlier this year.

JFC. Some people.

Could you approach the appropriate manager(s) with the question "what's arranged for X's leaving day/do" - if the answer is the expected 'nothing' at least you could then push them to ordering a big cake and a tray of nibbles for the person's last day.

Whenever I have left a place of work the manager has alwyas taken the lead and done a little presentation to say goodbye. To me it is normal to do so.

Again, is it not possible to get emotional about a range of things? I don't have a store of tears that I have to save for the death of a parent. I have had lots of things happen to me that were much worse than my colleagues leaving (obviously) but that doesn't mean I am indifferent to them leaving. I find your attitude perplexing and cold and yes, kind of horrible. Especially the fuck them off bit. People may he disposable to you, to me they are not.

"People may he disposable to you, to me they are not."

Way to project @theleafandnotthetree .

I never said or implied people were disposable to me. Work ones, absolutely they fucking are. I'm paid to work, not make friends or cry at them leaving.

I have enough friends to cry over. Ditto family.

Everyone is different - shame you cant see that amidst your self absorbing diatribe/tears/whatever....

I don’t see how it’s a manager’s position to organise a donation collection or any event after work hours - that comes from close work friends or it doesn’t surely? Otherwise, I’d just expect leadership to call a quick impromptu meeting to say a few words on her last day, maybe hand her a best wishes card or something. Moving jobs is hardly a big deal and frankly I can’t stand the birthday brigade who seem intent on collecting donations from everyone in the building every single time there’s a birthday (every week at least one). It’s ridiculous, costly if you keep up with it and pointless. I do not want a forced birthday card from colleagues.

Its awful isnt it?

I got asked to arrange a leaving do for a colleague several months ago. I sent the invite to around 25 people from our offices (but was only given a week to arrange it!)

The boss said he would show, but didnt. Hardly anyone replied. I couldn't stay out for too long either as I had the child to put to bed. It was only me and 2 others, and one of those 2 others only arrived as I was leaving.

She was clearly a bit upset but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

She was given a gift card of £100 and was allowed to keep her laptop though as a parting gift, that was less than a year old.

I dont think I would arrange a work leaving do again. And I dont think I would have one myself. I think I would have a lunch in the office with a few that I am closest too, then maybe invite my boss out for a dinner.

I agree this is rubbish but everywhere I’ve worked people have arranged their own leaving do by sending round an email saying “I’ll be going for leaving drinks at x venue if you want to join”. And making sure at least one other person is definitely going to be there. As you’ve already got yourself involved in this why don’t you just do the same. You and leaving person plan to go somewhere for a drink after work, extend the invite to the rest of the team but even if it’s just the two of you, have a lovely evening. Take a card round for everyone to sign with the option to contribute to a gift. Job done.

I find this attitude shocking to hear honest. You pestered people for weeks? To give to a collection to someone they either didn't know or didn't like? That's an awful attitude and I'm surprised at least one person didn't tell you where to go and I'm surprised management thought pestering people for their money was acceptable.

Its attitudes like this that cause people to hate workplace collections. They are entirely optional. A generic email to all staff is enough.

I never said or implied people were disposable to me. Work ones, absolutely they fucking are. I'm paid to work, not make friends or cry at them leaving.

I'm not surprised you don't get on with your work colleagues @HelplessSoul

One of DH's old workmates is DD's godfather.
I'm still in touch with friends that I made from work 40 years ago.

What is it with some people who think that you can't be friends with people you work with? Not everyone lives near people they went to school or university with or near family. How else do you get to meet people unless you do it online?

A few weeks ago 8 of us from work enjoyed a lovely social time together one Saturday afternoon taking in some cocktail bars. We had a great time.

About a year ago, a colleague of mine retired v. early. Had worked for the organisation in placement year, and got a FT post after graduation. Had worked 30-odd years there, man and boy, never worked anywhere else.

Basically had a breakdown due to the pressure of work. Sent to OH, and bucked out on his ear after less than a year of sick leave. Manager never spoke to him once during that year. The guy was so hardworking and dedicated to the various roles he'd held as he rose up the organisation. Had a disabled partner too. Probably the most knowledgeable in the team, way more than the manager (which will have pissed her off!).

We were only told he'd left a few weeks after he'd gone. Some of us wanted a leaving do, and someone organised it months later. Manager had nothing in her calendar (I have access) until the day before. We met up for lunch and former colleague was a bit gobsmacked that team manager didn't show - she hadn't even told him that she wasn't coming.

It all served to remind me, that you are only just a number. I've left several jobs over the course of my life, and it's been rare that I've kept in touch with anyone, and the contact has never lasted. I worked with the same people for 20 years in my last job, and while we might message now and again, we have never met up in person.

I hear on the grapevine that another colleague isn't coming back from sick leave after more than 40 years' service, since they left school. Saw it coming a mile away but we still haven't been told...

You’re a lovely colleague. Unfortunately a lot of people are quite selfish and it’s become worse in recent years. I went to the leaving do of someone who had been at my organisation many years and has done so much to support others on their careers. Nevertheless, not many people turned up to her leaving do.

She’s become very senior somewhere else and I just know some of these same people will be expecting recommendations or support for a leg up in future…

Back in the day people understood that although your colleagues weren’t the same as your friends, you should still build a relationship with the nice ones, it shouldn’t be just transactional as they are people.

I hope your colleague realises you’re genuine.

@RampantIvy "I'm not surprised you don't get on with your work colleagues"

Pearl clutch much?

I said no such thing. I get on great with my work colleagues. I just dont cry if they leave. JFC. 🤦‍♂️🙄

Lots of people told me where to go and it was management's idea to get me to do it, I was one of the few people on the ward would could tolerate him.

It was a generic email with then lots of cajoling from me.

The alternative was a guy with 30 years service leaving with nothing.

NHS.

@Nolongera that's just workplace bullying. It's frankly disgusting. You don't know peoples personally financial situations.

One, maybe two generic emails. Then nothing else. People will donate if they want to. And are able to. Nobody should ever feel pressured to give money. And that's what pestering or cajoling (both your words) does. And has zero place in the workplace (or anywhere else for that matter)

In the 17 years of working at my workplace, there are colleagues that have never turned up to a single leaving do or, one time about 2014, 3 colleagues had 60th birthdays within 3 weeks - had a do then. Even if their work bestie is leaving/retiring. They might had a meal out together, but didn't find out.

I have been selective with the dos I go to. One former colleague who used to be a friend went to them even though she didn't speak to the retiree or leaver - that was rude. She only went along as her DH used to drive another colleague who lived in the next street along. I doubt he would have taken the other colleague alone. The former friend and I fell out over an embarrassing incident at another do. She shouted a load of lies about me. The retiree's DH asked her to leave. Not seen the former friend since. For about a year-18 months prior to this, we used to sit opposite ends of the table or at a pub we used to go to, had an area of 6-7 tables - sat on different tables and ideally furthest away.

You are reading way too much into your twisting of my words.

" Frankly disgusting"? " Work place bullying"

Not one person said so, some told me to fuck off, but it was all in good humour. Mental health ward.

I have seen even popular staff get very little when one or two emails are sent, people mean well but then forget.

We weren't allowed to carry money on the ward, which didn't help collections, but the tight arses loved it as it gave them an excuse, " ooh, catch me later".

So I would catch them later, that sort of pestering and cajoling. I am sure you will still twist that into " bullying", but then they did say catch me later?

I was actually quite pleased with my efforts as I expected to get nowt, as it was he got about £3 for every years service.

'

Yeah, sorry still work place bullying.

You said he wasn't well liked. You used words like pestered, cajoling etc. yep. Harassment and yes bullying. People will either give or not. They don't need to be pestered and nor should they be.

People are unlikely to say "sorry I can't afford it" and shouldnt be pestered (to use your words) to give money.

And if they actually didn't like the person leaving even more reason as to not donate.

I'm very glad my work don't tolerate that kind of stuff. Yes we do collections. But management would stamp down hard if there was any pressure. 2, max, generic emails to all staff telling them who is collecting and that's it. It's then up to the individual to go and give their money to the person, or not. No list is kept of who donated etc.

I'm not twisting words - I'm using your own @Nolongera

I'm surprised people don't realise that ostracising a worker because they're not well liked, or in other posters words, not very popular, is a classic example of bullying.

Even as children we are taught to try and include people, and not treat them differently. If you went to Sally's leaving do, who is queen bee of the workplace, or donated a few quid to their leaving present, but won't go to quiet and easily forgotten Danielle's, whom isn't at all popular, I just find that really sad and infantile behaviour. We're not teenagers navigating 'popular groups', we're grown adults who should know better?

If someone is downright mean and unkind to others, fair enough, we all have a right to protect ourselves from characters who aren't nice to us, ie not spend any more time with them than necessary. But if it's just a case of not being outgoing/popular, then that's quite saddening.

Many people who have been on the receiving end of genuine workplace bullying and harassment would probably disagree with you, I feel.

I've never felt harassed by being reminded, or asked, more than once, to contribute to a collection. The poster isn't saying she hounded people who said 'no'.

I have been genuinely bullied and harassed at work. Genuine cases, sadly, are a fair bit worse than someone sending out multiple generic emails for a collection, or chasing up people who say 'Yes I will, catch me later'. I've said the latter because I didn't have cash, but would nearer the time. Person chased me up a couple times, and reminded me to bring cash in (I don't carry cash). I appreciated being reminded.

It's all going a bit of topic into an argument here, because I've already said I don't want to pressure people, and if they're not replying, that's a reply in itself, I just find it really sad for the person leaving. It's actual more about the leaving do OR the present, and people not bothering with either, or to even bother replying at all, that I find quite sad.