dh refusing to give me admin access to router in my house

[adminaccess]

DH is refusing to give me admin access to the router in our house because he doesn't think i'm responsible enough. We've both had long careers in tech! I'm currently studying for a security certification.
I'm in shock he thinks he can justify withholding access to a service I pay for at least as much as he does.
He is being unreasonable, right?

I’d be more concerned that you’re in cyber security and your husband clearly doesn’t want you finding something….

Time to check the deleted stuff maybe.
And if you have exactly the same access.

I wouldn't bother arguing with him. How you haven't kicked him up the arse instead I don't know.

He doesn't want you looking at what he's up to OP - and yes many routers can log and you can also change DNS to something where you can see in detail without going via router logs. It's not hard to do - you won't see actual pages but you will see the sites and get a general gist. Many parents use DNS to block access to specific stuff and also get a general idea if dodgy stuff being accessed - and I don't just mean porn- - I did with a male teen

What a long thread! Did we ever learn the whole story? 'Not responsible enough' usually stems from an episode of irresponsibility. What did you do?

He’s hiding something

I’d hazard a guess he’s worried you’re going to put the security settings on so he can’t access porn anymore

He is a dick! Is it in his name? I would cut the connection but then I am a spiteful cow 😉

Why are you still married to this idiot?

Red flag there, very controlling, not good .

Perfectly reasonable - If my partner had access to the router they might notice that all the phones, tablets and her PC are throttled. Leaving more bandwidth for mine and the eldest sons gaming PC’s.

Needs must.

N/C. Not to hijack your thread. Please feel free to dm me but wanted to reach out as I am going through exactly the same thing... until a few days ago I had no idea how routers work.. I've had to learn fast...I had a Google security alert come through last week for a different phone accessing my Google account not mine, not OH not the kids. I was concerned as lots of hospital stuff in there. The security alert came from an older model phone. Naturally I raised it with OH as he is super techy. He has kept our families old phones same model from the security risk so wanted to check not been accidentally activated again. Not much help so asked a few techy friends and googled. Obv changed Google passwords straight away. But concerned if someone had already hacked in to my Google account they would see new password if that makes sense. So I decided to identify possible security issues within accounts - ideally wanted to track where this phone had come from on router through traffic management in case was internal error of someone's old phone connecting etc. or whether def external and therefore everything needs changing. OH went into a rage when I asked him for admin password because he is going away with work and it's not default setting admin password. I said neither the kids have changed it so either he did or we need to speak to network peeps and report. When I say rage, because I was persistent asking for password - he threw his keyboard broke the keys, picked up Dyson fan unit and threw to the ground etc. all my fault apparently for riling him. Said he didn't know the admin password. But he's so techy. He has programmes to store his passwords and generate. Eventually he accessed his app on his phone for the router and miraculously found the password for admin straight away on his computer. He still wouldn't give me the admin password. He would only allow me to look as he stood holding his phone/if I was holding it right next to me and grabbing at certain moments. He is going away for a week abroad with his business. I wanted to eradicate any IT issues when he is away. Unfortunately traffic management is turned off. So I couldn't track where this iPhone had potentially accessed my phone or laptop or whether external. I know was a long shot but wanted to rule out external security risk vs internal.. On the router app there are two entries, one apparently he tells me is our cloud. But not able to click on that one. Now I am beginning to wonder what is really going on. His rage was unbelievable. A simple security check has turned into this. I know realise the utter importance of being on top of everything. It seems you can't leave it to your OH. I feel a fool and kick myself for not being more tech savvy and on top of my personal security. He is always cagey about his phone. I'm not sure what to think...

@alwayschasinghappyendings you can reset the admin password back to the default one by resetting the router. Mine have a button that you can press with a paper clip/pin on them for about 15 seconds.

Before you do that get a laptop and sit in the same room. Then google the brand of router and find the admin website.

If you do reset the admin password it means any device within your household with a static IP e.g. printer will need to be reset.

It isn't hard or complicated as there are websites and likely YouTube videos that can tell you what to do.

The biggest problem is that your DP should not go into a rage if you ask questions about what is going on as you are both adults. He should be happy to explain it to you what he's done particularly as you have children who need to be blocked from accessing certain websites. (I actually hope I never work with someone like your DP.)

I suggest due to his actions you evaluate seriously whether you should stay together as the only reason he has gone into a rage is that he's accessing sites and content he should not be doing so, and likely tracking you.

You need to set up two factor authentication on all your email addresses, and have a password manager. (Again there are websites and YouTube videos to tell you what to do.)

Also in future if you want to get rid of a mobile phone factory reset it. Then discuss with your children once they are 14+ how you should get rid of your data on it and they can make money from your device, then once you have had the discussion give it to them to make money from it.

@Reugny thank you so much for your advice. Much appreciated. I've had another log in at lunchtime by a different phone so think may need to get new phone etc. OP I hope you have managed to get sorted. I just don't get why men react like this.

On a laptop/PC change your email account password. Then download and then use an app like Google or Microsoft Authenticator and set up two factor authentication for your email account(s).

Don't know what email provider you use but you should be able to kick devices off from accessing your email address. (In gmail you can see where you are accessing your account from at the bottom of the page if you log on to a browser on a laptop/PC then click through and sign the device off.)

Also download a password manager like Bitwarden from your app store. Choose a master password that isn't easy to guess and store your passwords in that. Make sure no password is easy to guess. Make sure your phone is set up so the screen is locked when not in use and set up your phone so it doesn't show any notifications unless the screen is unlocked. (If you are a person who loses their phone often you should be able to set it up so there is a emergency contact that can be seen when the phone is locked.)

Ideally you should have more than one personal email address to use for different things. So for example one to use for all your banking that you aren't automatically logged into on any device including your phone, one to use for online shopping as this is the one likely to be hacked, one for personal emails and a personal one for your CV/work. As a minimum set up the banking one if you don't set the rest up.

The admin password is printed on the pull out black "hub settings" section at the back of my router, that's with BT who set the admin password

Unless you have a history of doing incredibly irresponsible things which I doubt ...

He is being a controlling, belittling, infantalising arse.

Also, what's he hiding?

Not sure about the OP but a poster who has appeared in the last few days is being stalked and emails being read as well.

That's the original one. The first thing I do with new kit is change it to something only I know.

Accidentally spill coke on it when he's not around
Wipe away any sticky traces.
Act surprised that Mt Responsible seems to have broken it - can't have been you, you don't have the password.

Why are you commenting on your wife's thread?
Do you think you are in charge of her or something?

@BMW6 I've reported this- not sure if that's a genuine post - if so it's very odd and how would he have come across the post

As a techie myself, my very first thought is what is he hiding ?