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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'd like to be a SAHD...

951 replies

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:19

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

OP posts:
LouH5 · 19/09/2024 19:04

sussexcoast98 · 19/09/2024 14:22

Good god, I could open a dessert shop with all the waffle he's handing out here...😴

What is going on here 🤣🤣 OP, explain yourself!

TurnsHeadsCooksForSex · 19/09/2024 19:18

@CucumberBagel not on the level?! Surely not?! 🤣

justusandthecat · 19/09/2024 19:24

sussexcoast98 · 19/09/2024 14:22

Good god, I could open a dessert shop with all the waffle he's handing out here...😴

Can't beat a good name change fail 😂

ButterAsADip · 19/09/2024 19:25

sussexcoast98 · 19/09/2024 14:22

Good god, I could open a dessert shop with all the waffle he's handing out here...😴

Jesus what a sad way to spend 24+ hours.

AgileGreenSeal · 19/09/2024 19:32

GratitudeGrump · 18/09/2024 16:32

If you're serious about this then you need to be more realistic about it - have you ever cared for a small baby for a whole day?

The idea of cooking a 'nice' meal when you have a baby to look after is laughable - when my kids were small it was a great day if I managed to get something in the oven last minute. For the most part my DH cooked when he got home.

Edited

have you ever cared for a small baby for a whole day?”

please dont.
the poor baby.

AgileGreenSeal · 19/09/2024 19:35

This has got to be a wind-up.

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:27

Am I the only one wondering which posts he made up to troll himself? Can you change your name mid thread? I thought that would be stopped for obvious reasons!

GiddyRobin · 19/09/2024 20:30

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:27

Am I the only one wondering which posts he made up to troll himself? Can you change your name mid thread? I thought that would be stopped for obvious reasons!

He made a post saying something like "he throws out enough waffle to open a dessert shop". Blatantly supposed to be from someone else. So he's trolling himself for some reason! 😂 Utterly bizarre. Just someone trying to shit stirr.

And yes, you can do a name change but it can mess up I believe. Not entirely sure how it works!

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:33

GiddyRobin · 19/09/2024 20:30

He made a post saying something like "he throws out enough waffle to open a dessert shop". Blatantly supposed to be from someone else. So he's trolling himself for some reason! 😂 Utterly bizarre. Just someone trying to shit stirr.

And yes, you can do a name change but it can mess up I believe. Not entirely sure how it works!

Sorry I meant what posts other than the name fail one...presumably he's been doing it throughout the whole thread?

Why anyone would do it though is so odd!!!

GiddyRobin · 19/09/2024 20:36

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:33

Sorry I meant what posts other than the name fail one...presumably he's been doing it throughout the whole thread?

Why anyone would do it though is so odd!!!

Ahhh! Yes, I was wondering that too! Unless it was his first attempt. I don't get it, would have assumed he'd be trying to back himself up. Maybe trying to prove a point by having a "woman" respond to his goady questions in the way he'd be able to go "AHA! MISANDRY!"?

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:42

GiddyRobin · 19/09/2024 20:36

Ahhh! Yes, I was wondering that too! Unless it was his first attempt. I don't get it, would have assumed he'd be trying to back himself up. Maybe trying to prove a point by having a "woman" respond to his goady questions in the way he'd be able to go "AHA! MISANDRY!"?

Ha quite!! But then nothing he/they said made much sense!

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 19/09/2024 20:47

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:42

Ha quite!! But then nothing he/they said made much sense!

I think the only thing that was likely true is that he had been single for a very long time! That bit was obvious!

Heylittlesongbird · 19/09/2024 20:53

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:33

Sorry I meant what posts other than the name fail one...presumably he's been doing it throughout the whole thread?

Why anyone would do it though is so odd!!!

Do we all need some sort of Spartacus moment where we stand up if we were real posters?

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 20:59

Heylittlesongbird · 19/09/2024 20:53

Do we all need some sort of Spartacus moment where we stand up if we were real posters?

😂

It's not something I'd be owing up to in a hurry! (I mean owing up to being him)

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/09/2024 21:24
Hungry Ice Cream GIF

Lol

SLeanne · 19/09/2024 21:51

The whole scenario is just not true. It can't be. I only went along with it as it was cheap entertainment during my cancer recovery (not a lot to do)

Madameblanc · 19/09/2024 21:57

I've just come across another thread called "advice for the man" (not sure how to link) and it was set up just after he stopped posting on here - I'm wondering if it's the same person - it's equally odd and written in a strange creepy tone.

GiddyRobin · 19/09/2024 22:07

SLeanne · 19/09/2024 21:51

The whole scenario is just not true. It can't be. I only went along with it as it was cheap entertainment during my cancer recovery (not a lot to do)

Hoping your recovery is going well. 💐

Same here really! It was obvious but watching his arguments grow crazier was too much fun to ignore!

@Madameblanc Ooohhh, I'm going to go and have a look. 😂 Nothing would surprise me.

What I thought was interesting was the fact he obviously frequented MN enough to know some of the language. Vipers, etc. I think a pp also said he sounded like he could be a woman early on, too. It's a weird one because he sounded a bit MN and a bit Reddit at the same time! Bloody daft as a brush, either way!

CountryMumof4 · 20/09/2024 00:10

I can't quite decide whether I'm delighted to have found this thread after a tough day, or horrified. Just in case this isn't a troll:

OP, women have fought for their rights for a long time. We have (as we always should have been), become more equal, certainly in the UK (it should be everywhere and it's despicable that it isn't). There are still gender pay gap issues etc. that need addressing, but we are not afraid of speaking out and fighting our own corner. Rather than needing men to advocate for us and making a big thing of it, it simply needs to become the norm. I certainly agree that, where financially viable, men and women should be able to be stay at home parents if it works for their family. I know a couple of SAHDs, who just crack on - they certainly don't make a big thing of it. As you've acknowledged, your vision of this life is completely unrealistic and I think you've noted that your repeated mentions of sex after you've treated 'your lady' to a three course dinner were misguided. Kindly, as a mother of sons, I think you need to focus on your career and building a life for yourself. You're highly unlikely to find a high earning partner and have the life of which you dream - life just isn't like that. What you'll hopefully find is someone you love, who loves you equally, that you can just figure things out with. You'll have your ups and downs, you'll have panics about childcare issues from time to time etc., but ultimately you'll be happier if you just go with the flow and don't make a big thing about being a 'progressive man'. Don't forget that the women you're likely to date will be daughters of women like me and a lot of mumsnetters who have been brought up as strong, confident women - not women that need a knight on a white horse that proves they're different. I hope you find someone lovely, I really do - everyone deserves happiness. I think you just need to reframe your thinking a bit.

Babyboomtastic · 20/09/2024 00:31

Interestingly (or not) you used to be able to change names during a thread (I've done it inadvertently in the past occasionally) but you can't any more. You might be able to on the app for all I know.

Obviously someone could have multiple accounts, or use separate devices etc, education is even more bonkers.

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/09/2024 00:40

CountryMumof4 · 20/09/2024 00:10

I can't quite decide whether I'm delighted to have found this thread after a tough day, or horrified. Just in case this isn't a troll:

OP, women have fought for their rights for a long time. We have (as we always should have been), become more equal, certainly in the UK (it should be everywhere and it's despicable that it isn't). There are still gender pay gap issues etc. that need addressing, but we are not afraid of speaking out and fighting our own corner. Rather than needing men to advocate for us and making a big thing of it, it simply needs to become the norm. I certainly agree that, where financially viable, men and women should be able to be stay at home parents if it works for their family. I know a couple of SAHDs, who just crack on - they certainly don't make a big thing of it. As you've acknowledged, your vision of this life is completely unrealistic and I think you've noted that your repeated mentions of sex after you've treated 'your lady' to a three course dinner were misguided. Kindly, as a mother of sons, I think you need to focus on your career and building a life for yourself. You're highly unlikely to find a high earning partner and have the life of which you dream - life just isn't like that. What you'll hopefully find is someone you love, who loves you equally, that you can just figure things out with. You'll have your ups and downs, you'll have panics about childcare issues from time to time etc., but ultimately you'll be happier if you just go with the flow and don't make a big thing about being a 'progressive man'. Don't forget that the women you're likely to date will be daughters of women like me and a lot of mumsnetters who have been brought up as strong, confident women - not women that need a knight on a white horse that proves they're different. I hope you find someone lovely, I really do - everyone deserves happiness. I think you just need to reframe your thinking a bit.

Think my knight in shinning armour, has a white stick not a white horse lol

Wishiwasincornwall · 20/09/2024 00:46

Honestly you remind me of this lovely sweet young lad that came to my branch at work to be given a 3 day crash course of management training because he was taking on the management role at another store. Whatever I tried to teach him he said he already knew because he had just completed his business degree and had read all the company policies. He proudly explained about his folder where he had them all printed out. I tried to explain that real life is not like a text book and with all the will in the world real life doesn't follow policies, things break down, people get sick, facing the general public is the least predictable thing ever. But no I was wring because of his Batchelors and folder....

He lasted less than 3 months in his position.

justjuggling · 20/09/2024 00:57

You mention cooking dinner for your wife twice in your original message. So you view it as a reward or an expectation or some kind of emotional manipulation?

Your whole message gave me the ick. You’re going to need to rethink/rephrase/refrain from sharing your patronising thoughts if you ever hope to find your ‘lady’ .

Edited to add it’s good to see he outed himself a a stirring PITA. Sad he has nothing better to occupy his time.

nocoolnamesleft · 20/09/2024 01:11

Is this thread an incel creative writing project?

cuckooooooo · 20/09/2024 02:21

Shock horror many adults manage to cook a meal and hold down jobs without a fanfare