Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'd like to be a SAHD...

951 replies

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:19

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 18/09/2024 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You think I'm a troll? What is even remotely 'trollish' about what I have taken time and effort to write?

OP posts:
GigiAnnna · 18/09/2024 16:24

It's a nice idea but I don't think anyone ever really plans to be a stay at home parent before they've even got the partner and children. It's one of those things that you fall into after considering your circumstances. I'm not knocking it, I'm a stay at home mum myself but it has it's pros and cons.

Anonym00se · 18/09/2024 16:25

Beautiful sentiment, but wait until you’ve looked after a couple of children all day and then you’ll see how ‘simple’ it is to clean a house, or how much energy you have left for a romantic meal.

Your post comes across as dripping in misogyny, while you’re trying to do the opposite.

bifurCAT · 18/09/2024 16:26

Grabs popcorn 🍿

FancyPuffin · 18/09/2024 16:27

Thank goodness you’ve said, I didn’t know men could stay at home. My mind is blown. Even Rosa Parks can’t hold a candle to the struggles you will encounter as the first male to do cook, do housework and look after your fictional children.

Someone alert the ladies, a new dawn is coming.

Choosingmiddleschool · 18/09/2024 16:28

I mean that’s quite long. You may want to do some research into babies and primary attatchment. Also earn and save lots now if you want to be a sahp.

In my circle most men are family focused. And you would be far the first Dad who was a sahp. I remember it being a thing and my Uncle doing this in the 80s.

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:28

GigiAnnna · 18/09/2024 16:24

It's a nice idea but I don't think anyone ever really plans to be a stay at home parent before they've even got the partner and children. It's one of those things that you fall into after considering your circumstances. I'm not knocking it, I'm a stay at home mum myself but it has it's pros and cons.

I understand that, but there are certainly instances of women that plan to have children and know that they want to stay at home with them - and do so.

It happens for women, and I am living proof that men can have that instinct too - I know what I feel inside me

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 18/09/2024 16:28

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:24

You think I'm a troll? What is even remotely 'trollish' about what I have taken time and effort to write?

Your phrasing. The comparison to Rosa Parks.🙄
I got locked in the loo the other day. I guess I am Nelson Mandela now.

Thingsthatgo · 18/09/2024 16:28

It's not a big deal round where I live there were half a dozen SAHDs at toddler group, plus a couple who had gone part time and shared all the child rearing 50/50.

takealettermsjones · 18/09/2024 16:29

😂😂😂

Bunnyhair · 18/09/2024 16:29

‘My lady’ 🤮

Wakeywake · 18/09/2024 16:30

Rosa Parks 😂

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 18/09/2024 16:31

So you think you're the equivalent of Rosa parks because you want to stay home with the kids and have a shag because you cooked a meal?

Honestly 🤣

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2024 16:32

You can’t be Rosa Parks. In your analogy, you’d at best be a white person who agreed with her. Rosa Parks was fighting from the position of not having privilege, from the side of the oppressed. A man who wants to question gender roles is coming from the side of more privilege so can’t possibly be the equivalent of Rosa Parks.

Your post seems a very round about way of saying not very much.

adayofsuns · 18/09/2024 16:32

I couldn’t get past the first few sentences so missed this entirely…Wow. Just wow. Yea the report button was hit very quickly on this one.

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.’

Forgot to quote @Lentilweaver

Lentilweaver · Today 16:28

sussexcoast98 · Today 16:24
You think I'm a troll? What is even remotely 'trollish' about what I have taken time and effort to write?

Show quote history

Your phrasing. The comparison to Rosa Parks.🙄
I got locked in the loo the other day. I guess I am Nelson Mandela now.

GratitudeGrump · 18/09/2024 16:32

If you're serious about this then you need to be more realistic about it - have you ever cared for a small baby for a whole day?

The idea of cooking a 'nice' meal when you have a baby to look after is laughable - when my kids were small it was a great day if I managed to get something in the oven last minute. For the most part my DH cooked when he got home.

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:32

Lentilweaver · 18/09/2024 16:28

Your phrasing. The comparison to Rosa Parks.🙄
I got locked in the loo the other day. I guess I am Nelson Mandela now.

In which case, I apologise for my wording and should have put more thought into what I meant with that statement.

What I meant was - there is very clearly a sexist view held by men towards women regarding childcare and household arrangements and I was hoping by giving an alternative option from a man on a parenting website, men could see it and going forward into the future, understand that there is no shame in wanting to do things their way, and therefore have a more accepting and cooperative relationship with their wife as a result

OP posts:
reabies · 18/09/2024 16:32

It's a lovely sentiment but lol at the idea of cooking a 3 course meal when you're in charge of the kids all day. There's a reason why the SAHP wants to tap out as soon as their partner gets home.

I only do one day a week at home with my toddler and it's the most exhausting (and fun, don't get me wrong) day of the week and I look forward to when my husband comes home and cooks me dinner.

GingerPirate · 18/09/2024 16:33

🙄🤔
💩
😆😘

SevenSummer · 18/09/2024 16:33

I think you have every right to be a SAHD as much as the mother has the right to be a SAHM. I think there needs to be a massive societal shift to promote at least one parent to SAH. I hope you find someone you love and are very happy together

WhatToDo1234567 · 18/09/2024 16:33

I don't think it's as simple and homely as you make out, but I DO think we need to make more space in society for SAHDs, and for the stigma not to exist around talking about this up front!

For example, I'm single, I know I'd likely never have more kids (I have 1 already) unless I had a relationship with someone who wants to be a SAHD. But this is not something you can ask on a dating site, or in a first date, so it's fairly unlikely to happen 😂

Taylor Tomlinson does a great sketch on looking for a SAHD to date!

GigiAnnna · 18/09/2024 16:34

sussexcoast98 · 18/09/2024 16:28

I understand that, but there are certainly instances of women that plan to have children and know that they want to stay at home with them - and do so.

It happens for women, and I am living proof that men can have that instinct too - I know what I feel inside me

Yes but how do you know your partner won't want to stay at home also? And that she'll be the higher earner to allow you to stay at home? You can't really plan for this theoretically. I am a sahm but I've also worked for years in the past and I aim to work again in the future.

CocoPlum · 18/09/2024 16:34

Lentilweaver · 18/09/2024 16:28

Your phrasing. The comparison to Rosa Parks.🙄
I got locked in the loo the other day. I guess I am Nelson Mandela now.

Omg 🤣🤣

Leavesandacorns · 18/09/2024 16:35

I mean, my uncle beat you to it by a good 17 years so I don't think you're going to be winning awards for your novel approach...

That said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with knowing that you'd ideally like to be a SAHD. It makes sense to discuss this wish when dating so that you can find someone compatible.