I'd like to be a SAHD...

[sussexcoast98]

Completely hypothetical situation but I'd like some female opinion on this if I could please?

So I am male, 26, single, but would one day love to change this and have a wife and children of my own.

When that time comes, I would really love the idea of staying home with the children and being a full-time Dad!

Now, obviously none of you know me, but I am not one of those 'alpha-male', aggressive, insecure men who believes that women are second class citizens and that 'gender roles' come from reality, instead of ignorant and nasty social conditioning stemming from a time when women were treated as virtually inhuman and worthy of no rights at all. I believe that there is no such thing as a male/female divide, and there is instead an ADULT/CHILD divide.

I believe that either adult can carry out either of the adult roles, as they see fit, it has nothing to do with gender, as if only women/men were able to do these things, then it would be physically impossible for the other to do, but that obviously is not the case!

What I mean is: as a man, I cannot lactate. I cannot menstruate. That is an example of something that only women can do. It is physically impossible for men to do them.

It is NOT physically impossible for a man to stay at home and care for and bring up/look after their baby while their wife is at work. Social conditioning has brainwashed society into believing that it is WRONG if men are to do this, as society wants the role carried out by women, regardless of the man's ability.

Many use shaming tactics to try and push this agenda further, such as stating that it is 'emasculating' for a man to want to care for children, but there are men that do exist in society that are not insecure enough to be taken in by this - I am one of those people.

Obviously I know that it is something that would have to be agreed with both parties and she realistically would have to be earning more for it to work and be viable (otherwise we could both go part time to both have time with the kids and financially contribute, should she also want time at home with them as well)

I just really love the idea of doing the personal care of looking after and bringing up/caring for my child/ren in their early years and in addition to that, love the idea of pampering my lady when she has had a hard day, such as by cooking her a nice meal, and spending some nice time together in the evenings - hopefully with some cuddles and sex too! :)

Looking after our home and keeping it clean and tidy, is just simple common sense and something that needs to be done to stay hygienic - it is not a 'feminine' activity at all! All men have to do it to keep clean when they live alone, but once they live with a partner, it is suddenly a 'female' chore? So they were women before they moved in with their DW were they? Do me a favour.

If my lady is at work providing for our family financially then I owe it to her as her husband to keep my side of the deal and ensure that all household and childcare tasks are completed for her when she gets home. The exception to this would be if she proactively wants time alone with the kids to bond when she gets in, for example.

I really like the idea of cooking her a nice 3-course meal during the day and for her to come home to a nice candle-lit romantic dinner served up by her loving hubby! :) Who knows, perhaps it could lead to cuddles, snogging and sex to wind the day down!

I know these days are a long way off but I do have this dream in my head that I could be the modern day 'Rosa Parks' that changes forever society's perception of men and women, just as Rosa did with blacks and whites.

I suppose I have always been a very gentle, softly-spoken man that is described by everyone I know as very kind and loving and thoughtful, and I just have always found the idea of being a full-time dad as a sort of 'calling' - I feel it fits very well with my personality traits.

Hopefully I can one day find a lady to write a story with and we can be each other's happily ever after, but I guess I have to wait for now.

It goes without saying that the very large majority of men currently do not share my values, being very hands-off and sexist to their wives, you only need to spend 10 minutes on here on a daily basis to see that! But I hope this post can show some of the ladies on here that gentle, loving very family-orientated men do exist :)

Have a nice afternoon everyone x

That's a lot of writing about a situation that may never happen ...
Good luck, enjoy being a SAHD one day.
👌

I barely managed to plough through half of that sermon.

If you want to be a SAHP then it's up to you and the other parent.

Same as it is for all of us 🤷‍♂️

That's great - did you also do the laundry, clean the house, do all the home admin and cooking, organise everything to do with that child (dentist, doctor, clothes, shoes) on very little/no sleep?

"My lady" Ugh

When it's 24/7 and your own children, it's quite different op.

This is reminding me of a thread just last week by a young lad who said he had lost his virginity a month ago, but was already worrying about being infertile because the only purpose in his life was his future kids 🙄
MN seems to be rife with men asking for permission to nest these days.

You've never been in a relationship have you.

Tbh I would tell anyone anything if I thought they would give me a break for 10 minutes.

'My lady'.... eugh.

And the idea that while being a SAHP you will also prepare a a 3 course meal so that she'd in the mood for some snogging and intimacy.... eugh.

You're not the revolutionary individual you think you are. Rosa Parks indeed.

Grow up

This is the most accurate explanation of parenting I have ever seen.

I hate to break it to you OP, but you haven’t come up with a revolutionary new idea that will bag you a mother for your hypothetical children on mumsnet!

There are a few SAHD at my children’s school. They are as accepted as anyone else.
Yes, it’s not the norm, but to be perfectly honest most parents both work these days.

There are a lot of men in my area who are sahds and/or split parental leave 50/50. I think it's becoming more common.

My DH wasn't one of them. Tbh I was desperate to stay at home with my DC and would have been gutted if he'd wanted to be the sahp 😂

You sound well meaning but quite naive. I'm at home all day and am not making DH three course meals or managing to keep the house pristine singlehandedly. It's harder than you think to do that.

Basically, my job is to look after DC from 0900-1730. Childcare outside of those times and all other chores are split (eg I generally cook, but DH does all the washing up).

There are a lot of unknowns in your future to fix your hopes on this. You being the sahp may not be possible depending on breastfeeding, jobs, your wife's desires.

Who will be the earner when "your lady" Is on maternity leave?

I understand what you are saying re 'maternal hormones' however, biologically and legally, it is as much my baby as it is hers, (without either of us, the baby would not exist) and therefore I have a have a moral right to have a desire to share the childcare as well. Nobody has the right to be a SAHP, maternal instinct or not, as maternal instincts do not pay the bills and keep roof's over heads.

It is something that has to be discussed and agreed by both in all circumstances.

As a young teenager, yes to the laundry/cooking/cleaning, and as a fully developed capable adult, there is capacity to do the additional as well!

Good lord. I’m not saying the op is a troll (pinky swear HQ), but it does read like some inverted incelism. Submissive m’lady man.

It’s no great revelation that a man can stay home. It’s the reality of it that’s hard for many men to grasp. It’s not about playing with the kids then have dinner ready and the floors polished for your hard working modern ‘lady’ to come home to. For many stay at home parents their entire lives become dedicated to running a family home and life, that’s where the mental load comes in. It’s not some fantasy situation that you can envisage, much like having kids you don’t know what it’s like until you live it.

It might not be your intention but you're coming across as very patronising towards women on here who probably have years of experience, raising multiple children ( I have) with your hypothetical ideas. There's nothing wrong with you preferring a certain lifestyle but it doesn't mean it's going to happen in the way you expect.

I mean doing all of these things while looking after a baby.

It isn't a "gift" to be good with children. Many many women manage it day in day out without requiring praise for it. And many men too.

Women have a right to maternity leave. It is backed by the law. You cannot insist that women do not take maternity leave in order to facilitate your desire to be a stay at home parent.

For some women, yes, that will be difficult to ignore.

In which case, if both parents want to spend time with the child, then both going PT is the only acceptable option for both parties (as I have already mentioned in the post, if you were to go back and read it).Many couples do exactly this, for exactly those reasons.

I have said I would be perfectly happy with either option, as that would be only fair on my wife if she wished to share childcare.

The meat and potatoes of my post was simply focusing on the situation that I was the sole SAHP.

I was not saying that. I was referring to the period after her maternity leave (and pay) was to end.

I've only been a sahm for about 16 years but I must say I feel like I've learnt a lot from this thread...

Perhaps the 'three course meal' was a romantic pipe dream.

A rare treat, perhaps.

But day to day, of course I would be making sure there was a meal for us both to eat.

Without that, we'd both go to bed hungry.

No on here is stopping you. Find a woman who shares your plan and crack on.

Ooooh so you mean I could potentially birth the babies, get straight back to work to deal with all the misogyny in my office, men getting promoted for doing half the job, financially support my husband and then pop home for cuddles and sex with my hubby? Where do I sign up??? It’s a revelation