Is A wrong or B?

[MotherOfOlafs]

I’ll start by saying I’m neither of these people, but I do know both of them. I’m giving them fake names too.

Ann and Bev are best friends and have been for around 60 years. Ann has never been able to drive but gets about very freely on public transport. Bev has been driving all of her adult life. Bev has always said to Ann if she needs driving anywhere to just call her, Ann has asked for the occasional lift/picking up over the years and it’s been no problem. Ann hasn’t taken liberties with this offer.

Ann went to the garden centre last Saturday on the bus, she wanted to buy some plants but while she was there she saw an ex-display garden parasol and base for a very good price. Ann wanted the items but the garden centre couldn’t deliver them, she bought them anyway. Ann decided to call Bev to pick her and her parasol and base up from the garden centre, about a 15 min drive away from her house. Bev answered and told Ann it wasn’t convenient as she was busy at home. Ann was angry Bev didn’t pick her up and reminded her that Bev said ‘if she ever needed a lift’ etc. Bev hung up the phone and Ann had to call a cab which annoyed her as she never does that usually.

Ann and Bev aren’t talking and they usually would every day. So who would you say is in the wrong and who if anyone should apologise?

Would there be any milage in asking Ann in the future when she won't see this as an attack on the driving issue in what ways she offers a 'if she needs XX service/help (not driving) then just call her? If she doesn't for anything then that says something about reciprocation. IF she does then for whatever it is she does offer help then gently point out it wouldn't always be an unequivocal and immediate and without reservation offer she meant.

Ann is weird to expect B to pick her up at the drop of a hat. It was fine to ask, I think, as B may have been able to do it but A was rude and entitled to expect B to just turn up and then be pissed off that she had to call a cab.

Is Bev the indentured servant of Ann?

If not, Ann is wrong.

Ann is wrong.

Bev can't hang about with her car keys all day waiting for Ann to need a lift - that's what taxis are for. After all Ann does not need to pay for a car, petrol, insurance, road tax etc. etc. so should have some cash freed up for the odd taxi.

I can't drive but I'd never expect any of my friends to drop everything to give me a lift although I'm grateful when they offer but don't even then always accept. In fact I HATE asking for lifts - I think I've asked twice in my entire adult life - once to get DD to a party that was in a venue off a motorway and the taxi ride each way would have been over £50! The other was when I asked my neighbour to get DS to A&E as the taxi was taking ages and then cancelled .

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack what is with you?
why did you post????
its a forum where posting results in various responses....ffs

Of course ann is a cf, that's what taxis are for

Another vote for Ann... in case there was any doubt.

Ask for the lift, but be prepared for a No and have a back up (taxi).

Don't moan that you got a No!

I guess Ann was super excited by the opportunity and new bargain furniture. She mistakenly didnt think it through.

Bev was caught on the back foot being asked.

Ann was caught on the back foot being refused.

Ann should just say sorry and thats that.

No one knows what kind of day Bev was having. She sounds like a nice friend and hanging up was maybe out of character.

Shame for them to fall out.

Ann sounds hideous.

And she should have got a taxi in the first place.

It was fine for Ann to ask Bev to pick up the item for/with her; it's the kind of thing Bev has said she is willing to do in general. But in Ann's place, I would have (1) called Bev BEFORE buying the item to see if she could come now and based my purchase decision on that and/or (2) asked the shop if I could pay for the item and pick it up later and then arranged a time with Bev, knowing that it might not be that day.

Is there any other backstory here - like Bev has said "call me any time for a lift, I'm always home"? Or perhaps Bev gave a reason why she couldn't come that seemed trivial or mocking to Ann? Or Ann got the impression that Bev was angry or surprised that she asked?

Also, is the taxi THAT huge a deal? Was it an expense Ann genuinely can't afford? If not, she should be able to put it behind her quite easily as a "lessons learned" kind of way, whether the lesson is "give more advance notice if depending on someone else" or "don't ask Bev for rides". Ending a friendship of many years over this one incident, if it truly is only that and not a "last straw" kind of situation, seems like a loss of perspective.

Both are being unreasonable. Ann for being an entitled brat but Bev for giving her friend lifts for donkey's years.

Ann should get a dementia screening

All the posts regarding potential dementia are incredibly interesting. There were a few incidents last Christmas which at the time were bizarre and frustrating but looking back on them I can hear alarm bells. Ann’s personality has definitely changed over the years although we didn’t think it a huge deal as she’s always been a person who’s not shy in telling people what’s wrong with them 🙄 I’m going to mention it to another family member to see if they’ve noticed similar changes and go from there. Thank you all so much

Are you okay?

Yes thank you. Are you?

I would've run Bev before I bought them and explained. Most places will hold things for you until close of business. Bev could've then had the freedom to offer to help and say she couldn't before Ann made the purchase.

I don't think you really need to ask do you? It's obvious that Bev cannot reasonably be expected to be at Ann's (or anyone's) beck and call; to drop everything and give lifts whenever asked. She is not a personal chauffeur.. she is a kind friend who offers to help when she can. Ann is being unreasonable, demanding and selfish

it's one thing to call and ask if she's available to give a lift, under those circumstances, but not to complain about it that it's not convenient for her right now. I'm sure if she didn't have other stuff going on, she'd have agreed to it, by the sounds of it. so she didn't refuse for no good reason.
I've lugged bulky impulse buys home on public transport before, it's doable. it's a pain in the bum, but it is.
if my home and that friends home were within that kind of distance, sure, I'd have called and asked if they were able to offer a lift, (didn't in that situation, as it was a 45 minute car trip each way, so I accepted that I was lucky that there were already plans for being picked up from my local train station at the other end. I just called to let them know I had something bulky to get into the car when I got back)

it's one thing to say, let me know if you need a lift, it's another to expect someone to be available at all times.

When you need it does not mean 'I am at your disposal like a taxi any time you want'.It was ok for her to ask, and perfectly ok for Bev to say no. Ann is being a massive CF - she could have called Ann ahead of buying it to see if Bev could pick her up.

It is seen by Ann as an expectation which is totally unacceptable

Bev has a life and cannot be available at a drop of a hat

Ann wasn't unreasonable to ask Bev, and Bev wasn't unreasonable to decline.

But what was unreasonable was Ann's reaction. If I was Bev I would have ended the conversation and wouldn't be rushing to start another one.

Ann IBU. You can't just expect someone to be on call at short notice.

Ann is in the wrong and should apologise to Bev.

Can I just pause and thank you for using Ann and Bev instead of some alphabet soup? Seriously thank you.

And to be helpful… Ann needs a bit of a reality check in that Bev is not her designated driver, but you know that. Keep an eye on Anne and try to smooth the waters, not much else you can do.

When people say they'll give you a lift anytime, they mean pre-planned/arranged.

You can't buy something like that and then just expect a person to drop everything there and then.