Is A wrong or B?

[MotherOfOlafs]

I’ll start by saying I’m neither of these people, but I do know both of them. I’m giving them fake names too.

Ann and Bev are best friends and have been for around 60 years. Ann has never been able to drive but gets about very freely on public transport. Bev has been driving all of her adult life. Bev has always said to Ann if she needs driving anywhere to just call her, Ann has asked for the occasional lift/picking up over the years and it’s been no problem. Ann hasn’t taken liberties with this offer.

Ann went to the garden centre last Saturday on the bus, she wanted to buy some plants but while she was there she saw an ex-display garden parasol and base for a very good price. Ann wanted the items but the garden centre couldn’t deliver them, she bought them anyway. Ann decided to call Bev to pick her and her parasol and base up from the garden centre, about a 15 min drive away from her house. Bev answered and told Ann it wasn’t convenient as she was busy at home. Ann was angry Bev didn’t pick her up and reminded her that Bev said ‘if she ever needed a lift’ etc. Bev hung up the phone and Ann had to call a cab which annoyed her as she never does that usually.

Ann and Bev aren’t talking and they usually would every day. So who would you say is in the wrong and who if anyone should apologise?

I’m not Bev but other than that this makes a lot of sense!

I think Ann probably isn’t okay… either depression or cognitive decline.

that saidy experience is older people get very focused on “their thing” NOW. There is a demand for attention / time / help immediately when there is no actual urgency…
Ann could have asked them to hold it and collected it in a few days… she just decided it had to be now now.

Ann.

OK to ask if Bev was free "now" but not grumbled when she wasn't.

Ann is clearly in the wrong. She didn't even need to call a taxi, she should have paid for the items and asked the garden centre to put them aside for her. She should have then called Bev and asked when would be convenient. On hearing the answer, Ann should have caught the bus home and thanked Bev for helping her retrieve the large items at a point in the not too distant future.

Assuming you're Bev op, show Ann this thread. It feels pretty unanimous 😂

Just make sue you don't get roped into being her new taxidriver!

Ffs Ann is in the wrong obviously! Bev isn't her personal taxi and can just drop what she is doing to immediately go and pick her up.

Ann is taking da piss

I don't want to be that mumsnetter who thinks everyone over 60 has dementia but I do work in that area and actually repetition and getting stuck on a topic ("looping") can be an early symptom of cognitive problems.
She could just have an infection causing mild delirium or it could be nothing at all, but I'd watch her closely if you can.
So many times we assume people are ok and if all we ever do is small talk (Hello Ann, how are you? oh I'm fine) then it's difficult to assess cognition. What is her short term memory like? Can she recall key events like the recent Olympics, what she did yesterday? A phone number or an address after a few minutes?
If not I'd be asking if she would go to the GP's for a referral for a memory assessment.

Obviously Ann.

People get demonstrably more egocentric as they age. They find it more and more difficult to appreciate things from other people’s perspective.

Not in my experience.

All the elderly people I personally know seem to be the opposite. Especially when it comes to asking for favours - lifts, or anything else including when genuinely needing help with something.

They seem to be desperate to "not to put anyone out" and "not make a fuss".

I guess everyone's different though but that's not an age thing.

I do wonder if something more is going on because it seems strange and sad to lose a 60 year friendship over this. Either there's a backstory or maybe Ann is going through some issues/health problems?

I’m quite unsure why you need to even ask this? Who do you think is in the wrong?
Ann has no right to be upset with Bev over this. Just because Bev said if she ever needs a lift… that doesn’t mean like last minute lifts she’s not a taxi that you ring and have there in minutes.

Bev said "if you ever need a lift. This does not mean "if you need something at the drop of the hat just ring me and I'll definitely drop everything and run to your immediate beck and call".

Need a lift means, by agreement.

Ann is a cheeky cow.

The fact you've heard the story from Ann and it paints herself in a very unreasonable light would concern me slightly as a relative of Ann, OP, in terms of her perception.

That said, she seems to have been able to recollect what happened in detail and her only issue seems to be with mistakenly feeling entitled to a lift, so while I'm not a doctor, I would think that's more a sign of not thinking about others (possibly from having lived alone a number of years after being widowed) than a sign of cognitive decline (assuming that's what you were concerned about). You obviously know Ann, but, taken in isolation, her reaction to this incident doesn't sound particularly like a medical issue, but more like a social one.

Also, given that there's 60 years of history between these two, it may be that other factors are coming into Ann's reaction that you might not know about as a relative (e.g. someone screwed someone over 20 years ago and it was left to fester, or someone had an affair years ago, etc). There could be all sorts of reasons that this has hit a nerve for Ann that are nothing to do with the specific incident she's recounted to you.

If her social circle outside of Bev is small, then perhaps this story is just a convenient way for Ann to complain about Bev's perceived selfishness to her family without having to explain the ins and outs of the bigger issue that's bothering her.

If I was Bev I would stop speaking to Ann over this.

Its rude enough to think Bev would just drop everything to collect her, but to get angry over it and refuse to accept she’s in the wrong would really annoy me.

Bev seems lovely and Ann seems very entitled.

All Ann had to do was ring Bev and explain and then ask the garden centre if they would store it for her until Bev was free.

This.

A is a big C.

As everyone else has said, Ann is hugely unreasonable. “If you ever need a lift” is British speak for “please don’t feel you can’t ask and I will try to help if convenient”. A bit like “come anytime” doesn’t mean at 3am/for Christmas dinner etc. Ann needs reminding a) of social niceties and that b) if she needs a taxi she should call one - Bev is not a cab driver!

Reminds me of when my mother (mid 70s at the time) wanted to attend the memorial service for a distant relation - someone who she'd not actually ever met - because she was told of it by another very distant relation she happened to run into...

She expected her younger brother and his wife (who it turned out didn't even know this relation existed) to cancel their plans for that day, purely so they could drive her about 4 hours there and back to it - like Ann, my mother has never learnt to drive. Using public transport was not an option.

My mother was so horrified that they had the 'cheek' to say no that she went full no contact with them...this brother is her last surviving sibling out of 9. That was about 7 years ago, she is still full no contact with them.

She still doesn't get that they were well within their rights to say no.

Poor Ann, she was overcome by the bargain she had spotted and didn't think it through. She may becoming more convinced she's right because actually deep down, she knows she is wrong.

Ann. She is being totally unreasonable, should have phoned Bev first to check. If not, been prepared to get a taxi. Hopefully she'll realise this and apologise to Bev, otherwise she should lose her lifelong friend.

A member of my family has similar tendencies (ie it's all about her) and over the years she's fallen out with everyone in the family, doesn't have any friends and only a couple of neighbours who speak to her.

A is wrong and surely the garden centre would have kept it for her to arrange a pickup later when B might have been available (and willing), otherwise then get a taxi or whatever @MotherOfOlafs

Ann needed to call Bev BEFORE she made the purchase.

I couldn’t be doing with the likes of Ann, I’m afraid.
Poor you, having to deal with her!

Ann is in the wrong. What if Bev was waiting for a hospital appointment??