To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Maybe it’s a regional thing….I’m NW ….no one I know would invite people for a milestone birthday drinks without putting on some nibbles …..it just wouldn’t happen …..wouldn’t matter how smart the bar was

This is hilarious. He's 40 not 100. They're meeting in a bar to have a laugh and a few drinks. Noone wants a night in a cold church hall with homemade egg sandwiches and warm drinks

This.
OP what you are planning would be completely normal amongst my friendship group.

It's perfectly fine just set expectations. There is no etiquette. There are friends who presumably would like to celebrate their friend and don't need free bar food to make a long standing friendship worthwhile. Be polite and let them plan. That's all you need to do.

Don't call it a party because that implies food and drink provided. Something like It's Tom's 40th. We will be at X pub from 8 onwards. If you feel like popping in for a while it would be lovely to see you.

OP, what about asking your husband whether he'd prefer the night away in a hotel OR the celebration with his friends for his 40th? That way you're only spending the money that you've allocated and he gets to choose.

You can follow the advice of posters who scoff at manners and convention, who snidely say that 'we must not like our friends' but the fact is, if all of this were absolutely what you and your circle do, you wouldn't have needed to ask. Etiquette is there to make guests and everybody else feel comfortable. That's it.

I'm a January birthday as well. Cold, dark, wet nights smack after Christmas spending. Something else to think about with regard to your friends and joining you.

At least provide a welcome drink and a bar snack - it will seem a bit tight if not. I went to a 40th where there was a welcome beer or Prosecco and some crisps/olives. Then it opened to a paid bar. At least it was something.

Yes I would think it odd to go to a party like that.

I organised a gathering in a nice bar for my husbands 40th & I arranged bottles of red & white wine & charcuterie & cheese boards & if people wanted a different drink they bought it. It worked out v well

But I do think you need to provide some food & drink

Are the invitees just expected to order their own food and drinks? Does this bar actually have a good menu or is it just drinks? Whatever may be the case, you need to specify it on the invite. Depends on the time of the party too. If it is at 8pm and not even a good menu to order from, that would piss me off.

What a shit comment!

Also - there’s no reason why his party can’t come out of household funds. You’re taking him away on your dollar.

And you KNOW OP will have a new outfit and get her hair done for this event for the ‘gram!

No money for 2 bottles of house white and 5 packs of ready salted my backside!

It depends on the dynamic of the group. If my family or friends were to meet in a pub, then it would be taken that we all buy own own. Or someone wants to include someone else then it gets reciprocated.
If I had a bit more money, then as the host I'd probably buy the first round for everyone, without expecting a drink in kind. But it's not expected or necessary.
So your own budget, along with usual traditions play a part.
But if anyone is decent minded they'll accept that they haven't turned up in order to get a bunch of free booze.
In terms of food, I'd imagine everyone would pay for their own meals. Most folk would expect that I'd imagine. Rather than treating others en masse or not having to pay.
It's great you are organising it all so if anything someone should buy you a drink! But of course nobody has to feel obliged.

But why on earth do you mention a reserved area?
Do people outright refuse to go see their best mates if they can’t have reserved seats?
I don’t live in London. My nearest city doesn’t reserve seats unless they know lots of money will be spent. So something has to be booked eg. Afternoon tea, bottomless brunch, a meal for the said amount of seats reserved. They would not reserve an area if 6 people were only to have half a lager. Maybe that’s a regional thing.

When I work in London we regularly go out straight from the office and straight to a bar. It's absolutely convention that everybody pays for themselves... but we're already there, nobody's travelling in and it's not in celebration of anybody, it's just because we're all there together.

That's normal in my 'circle' wanky term; OP's scenario wouldn't be.

You'd do better not buying DH a gift but buying some nibbles for guests. Ask how much the bar would charge to provide a few nibbles or would they mind you providing your own? They might not mind and you could provide crisps, nuts, pringles, olives, chunks of cheese on cocktail sticks type of stuff which is inexpensive and easy to eat with fingers so you don't need to provide plates.

You need to at least buy people their first drink.

Lets be clear there is no party you are just going to a bar and asking people to join you if they fancy it?

You can totally not provide food and drinks - just say you’ve managed to reserve an area in place X for anyone who wants to meet up to celebrate Y’s birthday. There’s a pay-as-you-go bar there and you can buy food there too if you want to. It would be brilliant to see whoever can make it and if you can’t, hopefully we’ll see you soon!

It’s 100% fine to do.

Yes, that is what you need to say.

And it’s actually a really relaxed and fun way to do it. There’s 0 stress on all sides. I went to a celebrity’s birthday party and they did exactly this. It works!

Get a few 40 balloons too.

CinnamonTart's suggestion is good I think - obviously check that the bar does food first.

It's far easier if the birthday is in the summer. My DD simply invited people around to her house for a BBQ. All guests would not have fit into her house but everyone fitted into the garden and kitchen.

I think the problem is that the venue is pricey.