To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Totally fine if you don’t call it a party. Say you’d love people to join you in such and such bar for a few drinks and you’ve reserved an area. Do it after a mealtime, say from 8pm, and people won’t expect food.

I would do it on a weekday evening. And just say, pop in for a birthday drink after work. I don't think you can have a party and offer nothing.

Agree with this.

Right OP, lovely idea, I just think you need to reword it! Instead of invites I'd just send text
Messages/WhatsApp.

'Obviously cash is tight for us all at the minute and whilst we'd love to provide an epic shindig for Barry's 40th the budget just doesn't stretch, but as our closest friends it would be lovely if you could join us at the woolpack on 13th of October to celebrate his birthday - no pressure but we'll be in there from 7pm - please no presents'

We went to a a wedding reception on Saturday at the pub where we all used to knock about, there were 250 people there - no food and no drink put on but it was a fabulous night and people went and paid for their drinks because they wanted to celebrate with their mates.

Honestly, I wouldn't do this at all. Maybe you'll be able to afford to host a "proper" party for his 45th birthday? But as someone said above, it's not nice for guests if you aren't hosting it properly, it's like people who have weddings and expect you to pay to cover their hotel room, your food and drink and their honeymoon holiday!

I think this is fine- if I was invited to a party in a bar I’d assume we were self paying- but I’d just add a “no gifts please” at the bottom to be completely clear on that.

As KatyaKabanova's post, the problem is that the venue is pricey. Hard to spin 'tight budget' and compare to the Woolpack (which I'd love to go to).

It is all just a bit awkward. Requesting attendance (if people want to?) but no pressure.

A wedding reception with no food or drink provided? That's very unusual.

I'm not sure who's posting here but... going to a bar for a friend's birthday is a night out at a bar. I would NOT expect to have anything paid for! Just book an area and invite people to go have fun! If people want food they can get some. Most of the people replying sound like they mostly go to weddings or something- just have a party!

Entirely depends on what is normal in your group of friends, surely? I've been to many 40th birthday's in the past few years and very few provided food, and none provided free drinks. It's just not what is expected. And people still travel, get dressed up and bring presents because they like each other and are keen to spend time together.

Is there not some kind of precedent set by other friends?

It’s fine saying people can choose to go or not, presumably as it’s London OP has/will have to pay to reserve the area? If barely anyone turns up then that money is wasted. As pp said, there is usually a minimum spend attached too.

It’s fine saying people can choose to go or not, presumably as it’s London OP has/will have to pay to reserve the area? If barely anyone turns up then that money is wasted. As pp said, there is usually a minimum spend attached too.

@DappledThings
Out of curiosity for your 600 mile, 2 hotel night stay did your friend provide anything at the gathering?

This. Just don't do anything.

This. We recently went to a friend’s 50th birthday party. It was in his house. Everyone brought their own drinks and no food was provided. We also got him a present, although that was because we felt like it, rather than feeling any pressure. I honestly didn’t think twice about any of this. Why would anyone expect a celebration for a friend to involve freebies? 🧐

"As KatyaKabanova's post, the problem is that the venue is pricey. Hard to spin 'tight budget' and compare to the Woolpack (which I'd love to go to).

It is all just a bit awkward. Requesting attendance (if people want to?) but no pressure. "

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

No, I agree OP should downgrade the 'venue' to somewhere more casual, but I don't think it's awkward and I don't think there is any pressure in asking people if they want to come out for a drink?! I think I get asked every 2 weeks (I don't go the majority of the time cos I'm a lazy cow now!) I think the issue is that she's presenting it as a party, when it's not! It's just going out for a few drinks for their mates birthday

I agree too. A reserved area is just that. It's not a party. There is no expectation for free food or drinks, just a dedicated place to meet.

Don't worry OP. Have a lovely time celebrating your DH birthday.

Seems very strange. Never been to a party where there's been no attempt of food and drinks. Yabu. I wouldn't bother as you look mean. Just go with the time away and gift you already chosen

I wouldn't expect food or drink provided. It was be nice if you ordered a few bottles of Prosecco for the group and I would reciprocate by buying drinks later, but by no means would I expect it

Why do people think being an invited guest is a "freebie"?
I think that was rude of someone to provide nothing in their own home. Someone comes round even briefly, I offer them tea or coffee.

No, that's why I said in that post "nor did I resent that there wasn't".

It never crossed my mind I was meant to be affronted by that. He invited me to his night out, I chose to go. I bought him a drink because it was his birthday.

Think this might be a regional or generational thing. Personally if I was invited to a birthday celebration in a central London bar, I wouldn't particularly expect anything to be provided, or think it cheeky if it wasn't provided. If something was paid for by the hosts it would be a bonus, but probably the exception to the rule. I'd phrase it as 'birthday drinks' rather than a 'party'.

Or you could just NOT have a party. I'm of the 'do it right or don't do it at all' school of thought, especially with something as discretionary as a birthday celebration. I have never had a birthday party since I was 21 - am now 51 - and lo, still have friends and the sky hasn't fallen in. I would be frankly appalled if I hauled my ass in the city centre, paid for a babysitter possibly etc and was met with tumbleweed. 🙄

I wouldn't. It's cheap. You can't expect people to make an effort and then put forth zero hospitality yourself.

Best case scenario, just put out word that you'll be at such and such place at X time. Don't mention the birthday. Then when whoever shows up is assembled and has purchased their own drinks, say "Btw let's have a toast to James, it's his 40th today!"

But really you can't have it both ways. If you invite people to something you have to provide the hospitality. Otherwise do without the party.

He had lots of people coming over, and most were drinking alcohol. I don’t see why he should have to buy it for everyone. It’s not like he just invited a couple of friends over for a cup of tea.