To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Could you provide crisps, nuts and bring a birthday cake plus buy everyone their 1st drink. It’s going to be awkward for anyone going up to the bar, especially if they don’t know anyone, you will have a few people buying rounds that will cost them an absolute fortune and other people not spending a penny!! Or people going up buying their own drinks! Embarrassing, I get it if you are 18 but not 40! You have had time to save up for this or cut back on other spends.

Reserving an area, as anyone who actually goes out knows, means that an area is reserved for your group to sit so youre not separated or having to look around for space/seating. So yes I'd want to know that. It doesn't imply anything more.

London is not like that and you know that OP. You can’t reserve an area in a smart bar without a minimum spend. If you are willing to spend 0, it’s mean and embarrassing to expect your guests to fork out for your husband’s birthday “party”. Frankly I think your DH might be embarrassed too.

Except you don’t ‘do this’…..you bought the first round…..I imagine if OP can’t afford a few nibbles then no way can she afford a round of drinks I. A central London bar

This! DP will be so embarrassed when he discovers that there is nothing for his friends to eat or drink when they are coming to celebrate him. OP get DP aboard. Together you can afford to have his party (not necessarily at the expensive venue you chose though).

Have you got ANY budget? Maybe a church or community hall, and an invitation like

"I really want to celebrate DH birthday with his friends, but times are hard. So we're inviting close friends to [venue, time, date]. We don't want birthday presents but would love it if you could bring a savoury dish to share, and as much as you think you will drink plus a glass to drink it out of and one extra drink for a friend. That way we can all be merry together and celebrate the good times. I do hope you'll take this invitation in the 'sharing ' way it's intended, and that this will be one of the very happy times we've all had together. '

I think it’s a bit mean to not even order a few nibbles, a couple of bottles of wine and a few beers to start everyone off. I’d be a bit embarrassed if my DH organised a 40th party, invited all my mates and they didn’t even get some olives and a beer or wine each.

If I were broke then I'd keep it to the celebration between husband and myself rather than risk confusion/awkwardness.

People are being asked invited from further afield also - saying that there's no expectation well, why ask them? What are they being asked to attend?

Nobody wants to be crystal clear, they go around the houses with dithery language on the arrangements and it's excruciating for 'guests'. Host or don't but be really, really clear and then there's no bad feeling from anybody.

If you need to ask then you're going against convention and that's why you need to be transparently clear. These are friends.

I think it's fine, you just need to word it right so people know what the deal is. We're going for drinks would you like to join us type thing. If I was invited to a pub for a meal or out for drinks for a friend's birthday I wouldn't expect anything free. At most one round of drinks.

What I find a bit odd is when people book a village hall and then provide neither food nor drink. In that scenario I think it's polite to provide one or the other.

Not sure why it's different, maybe because it's much cheaper to provide refreshments in a village hall so it seems really stingy not to?

I would assume there would be food and drink. You need to make clear there is none.

I'd be annoyed to travel to my next door neighbour to not even be offered a drink!

A lot of venues charge if you want to bring your own stuff. Most probably would allow a cake but nothing else. I used to have to look for suitable venues for training courses; some wouldn’t even allow us to bring bags of wrapped sweets to put in bowls. Their reasoning was they had to clean up after and didn’t want to unless it was stuff we’d bought from them, which was fair enough. They actually said if we didn’t order from them, they would expect the bins to be empty!

I wouldn't do that. So annoying to be expected to bring both food and drink. Paying for your own is one thing. Bringing enough to share with others AND your own drinks is an imposition. Requires too much thought and effort..

I travelled nearly 300 miles for a friend's 50th recently. I paid for a hotel for 2 nights and my train fare.

It was at a pub with an area booked. At no point did I expect food and drink to be laid on. Nor did I resent that there wasn't. I enjoyed seeing my friend and catching up and having a few drinks that I paid for as I expected to.

According to this I should be seething with his utter rudeness in inviting me to his birthday and not feeding me. But I'm not, funnily enough.

Have you checked if there is a minimum spend OP? Most places I know in central London where areas are reserved will insist on those attending to spend x amount and will take card details from the organiser

If you organise food or a round of drinks that will go towards that spend. If people don’t turn up or don’t spend you may end up with a hefty charge to your card

Not all places do this, but central swanky places often do especially at the weekend

If it is just casual drinks with friends then a pub may be better

You know your friends better than we do, OP. Is this the done thing in your group?

Fwiw I'm also in London and have been to loads of events like this - if I were invited to celebrate Bob's 40th at x bar on Friday night, I would expect to turn up and buy my own drinks. And, Bob being my lovely friend, I'd be happy to do it and would have a wicked time!

I can well imagine that because it's every 40th I've ever been to. Is this a London thing? Never would I expect to be fed & bought drinks at a central London pub gathering, it would be weird.

That said, I wouldn't bring a gift either, unless it was a very close friend.

You see if this was me….and I had gone to all that effort…..I would think he was a CF

This also comes under the Mumsnet umbrella of how people on here seem to not like their friends much.

I gladly get dressed up and go to a bar/dinner and pay for myself for a friend's birthday. I want to spend that time with them.

I agree with you that is cheeky to expect to bed and watered when invited to a bar.

I also wouldn't necessarily take or expect presents at this type of do. I might if it was a close friend, would probably do a card. But I would view attendance as being the gift. Plus maybe buy the birthday person a drink.

I'd probably take some kind of present to a party at home or a hall. But it wouldn't be expensive maybe a bottle of prosecco or wine type thing

Likewise, I've been to plenty of these and it's all good. May be worth checking with the bar though re. Cost of snacks- and sometimes they provide a few bowls of snacks for free, knowing they you're going to spend a bit on booze.

Yes, I think that's just good manners.

I don't get it at all. I was invited to a night in a pub. It was entirely my choice to go or not.

It wouldn't cross my mind to think of him as a CF. That's really bizarre to me.

YANBU

As long as people know in advance, it's totally fine. A bit of warning means people want come straight from work without dinner.

Hope your DH has a nice birthday.