To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

I would not go to celebrate a person's birthday without a gift. However, on here there seems to be quite notable cultural differences.

I had a get together for my 40th. I said to everyone to come to meet for drinks. No one expected me to pay or provide food. I think as long as you've phrased it like that then it's fine.

what does your husband think of this? I would have to include some drinks and food but that is just me! If money was tight then I would cancel the hotel and present for hubby,

I wouldn’t be offended, I’d think it strange though. It’s like you want to look good by booking a ‘smart’ bar but not providing anything. If you can’t afford it then book somewhere cheaper; I worked in a pub and they loved parties in January as it’s a dead time and you could probably get a good deal.

I’m afraid I would expect food as otherwise why have you paid to reserve a specific area and not provide anything? It’s a party but without any of the accompaniments.

I did this for my 60th, asked friends along to celebrate, I bought the first round, there was about 20 of us. Ended up in a social club dancing to a man and his keyboard, we had a great time, still laugh about it now.

Then why organise something in a "smart" bar that's pricey? I don't get it. There must be cheaper options. Maybe a less smart bar where you could afford simple food/buffet and a drink. I wouldn't dream of asking people to come to someones birthday and not even give people something to eat. If you are broke then invite his closest friends to your home where you can feed them and give them something to drink.

You didn't do this, though. You bought everyone a drink.

It depends entirely on the phrasing.

Everyone pays for themselves:

’We’re meeting for a few drinks for x’s birthday at y place, would love it if you could join. No presents required, save money for drinks’.

On the other hand:

‘I’ve organised a party for x’s birthday at y place, please RSVP’ - implies drinks will be paid for.

A lot of MNers seem to think it's cheeky and embarrassing not to provide food and drink, but that it's not cheeky to turn up and expect food/drinks to be bought for you.

The comments saying not to celebrate if you can't afford it are just plain awful. My thoughts are if you don't want to go somewhere and fund your own drinks, simply don't go. People can celebrate without having to pay for everyone else, we all have a choice whether to attend or not.

I have honestly never been to a 40th which served a buffet 🤣 He's 40 not 70!!

That's precisely my point. People will bring gifts wherever they're meeting and yet it's being said that she needs to pay for drinks / food as people will be bringing gifts.
If I go to celebrate a friend's birthday it's because I want to see them and enjoy time with them. It wouldn't be conditional on food etc being provided. I would just see the reserved area as ensuring we're sitting together

I’ve been to a fair few events like this, but there has always been food served. Can you stretch to a few bits?

I’m having a party in a few weeks for my 40th, I’ve done 9 hot canapés per person (they came in 3’s!) - I wouldn’t have done any food at all but they wouldn’t let you hire the venue without some kind of food order and 3 canapés per person felt very stingy! I’m not anticipating most people wanting to eat while drinking (I know my friends and family), almost everyone is local except a few who we are having for a late lunch on the afternoon of the party.

I’ve also ordered welcome drinks for all, fizz for the cake and put some money behind the bar.

I do think it’s bad manners to offer a ‘party’ with neither something to eat or drink at all - without that it’s just a night down the pub, nothing wrong with that at all but you need to be explicit about it.

I don't understand. I've been to buffets provided for people under 70. Including a wedding and a niece's 21st.

I agree you need to make it very clear that you are just going out for drinks and friends are free to join you. I wouldn’t mention reserving an area because what does that mean? It implies something more is included, when in reality you are going to get there and save sone seats, nothing more.
Make sure you don’t use words such as ‘party.’

I wouldn't go conditional on food or drink. I just think it's good manners to provide something.

I know, it's crazy 🤣. Have met for drinks so many times for someone's birthday. Seems to be the same poster posting again and again at how outrageous it is so maybe they dont get out much! Id probably prefer city centre drinks to a formal party anyway and would have absolutely no problem taking a present either. It's not as if I'm only going to get my mate a present if they've paid for some chicken drumsticks and curled up sarnies at the bar!

These answers seem strange to me, if I'm invited out for birthday drinks I would expect to pay for myself and buy the birthday person a celebration drink. Early 40's, professional, North West (England not London) if it makes any difference.

I wouldn't expect drinks to be paid for at an event at a bar. But I think it's usual to provide some food. Otherwise they will all disappear after a couple of hours to get some!

Well precisely. Save the buffets for multi-generational parties in the church hall with granny and uncle Dave in attendance. The OP is holding a get together for their presumably late-30s/early 40-s friends in a smart London bar, totally different. No need to crack out the sausage rolls.

This. MN is so weird sometimes. Like you it's completely, totally normal in my circles to do what OP's doing, everyone fully understands the deal and there are no accusations of glory-grabbing or feeling hard done by. If it's too much effort for people to travel or they can't afford to buy their own drinks or whatever they simply don't come, whether or not there's freebies rarely comes into it. And as for presents people tend to buy something nice and special if it's a close friend or a big birthday, and bring nothing or just stand the birthday person a drink if it's not (or they can't afford to), regardless of whether or not they're getting equivalent monetary value in food and drinks provided. In fact I think people would be more surprised if food and drinks were provided than if they weren't (totally different if it's a party at home or in a really fancy venue where you'd expect catering or it's hard to find alternative food options, but a town centre bar or pub, no way. It's casual, drop in, not a 'party' with a host as such IME everyone expects to pay for themselves).

Just goes to show everyone is different, only OP knows what is the norm in her circle of friends so I wouldn't go off bonkers MN opinions. The only thing I'd advise OP is that if the bar doesn't do food at all and you're inviting people to arrive at dinner time they will need to eat at some stage so you should account for that or the evening can fragment very early (or end messily if people drink too much on empty stomachs). The problem will be solved if the bar does food though, everyone can just sort themselves out in that event...

If I was attending something where someone had reserved part of a bar, I would probably expect there to be a few nibbles/ finger food. I wouldn't expect drinks to be provided. It's similar to a party in a private room if a club - buffet provided but everyone goes to the bar to get their own drinks. Possibly these events have normally got a test of Prosecco as you go in and I've not noticed !

It sounds like you're giving your husband the gift of his friends' company without thinking about them - really poor hosting. IMO cancel the night away and put the money into making a decent night of this.