To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Wtf is wrong with people? OP please ignore these awful posters. I think different people move in very different worlds. I've been to loads of birthday parties where the host or their partner have reserved spaces in bars or venues and we've all paid for our drinks, it's completely normal! As you say the point is to get together and have fun. I'm so bemused that people think you can't call it a party unless you provide food and drink. And yes some of these have been big birthdays like 40th or 50ths. Sometimes some nibbles have been bought in but I've never had free drinks unless it's at someone's house.

I imagine your DH and his friends will be like you and so you don't need to worry about them judging you, unlike the people on here.

Is it only you that's taking the financial hit of working part time?

Presumably you're looking after your (both of you) DC the rest of the time - in which case both you and DH should end up with the same amount of spending money/savings every month?

YABU to call it a party and not provide any drink/food but if you call it a get together or describe it as just going out for drinks then YANBU and it's fine for everyone to pay their own way.

it works out about the same or cheaper (bulk purchase of alcohol / food) as everybody paying for themselves. Instead of paying £50 a time for my own drinks / food at 20 people’s parties, it’s £1000 for one party

You're the kind of person who thinks people living in poverty could save money if they simply bought their food and sundries in bulk, aren't you @CandidHedgehog? 🙄

Just putting my "expectations" out there.

Birthday drinks - Get text about birthday person being at X pub/bar on X date for a drink for their birthday. Buy own drinks, no food on, the gift is the drink that you buy for the birthday person (this is what, imo, the OP is doing).

Birthday Party - Get text/invite to attend X venue on X date for a party. Venue decorated, posh frocks all round. Buy own drinks, will be a buffet, music and dancing. Take gift if close friends, buy them a drink if not.

Birthday Party at home - Text etc, take bottle as gift to hosts, food on but probably BBQ or pot of chilli or similar. Music, dancing. Take gift. And hosts will be left with more booze than they started with due to stocking up for party and guests drinking less than they bought.

Birthday drinks at home - rare ime but happens, basically same as above but with maybe a few bags of crisps and fewer gifts.

ETa

Forgot to say that the key is in the wording of the invite. If the word "Party" is involved, then yes there is a certain expectation of hosting. However "We are getting together for a few drinks for X's birthday if you would like to come" says that they will be there anyway and you are welcome if you would like to join them for a drink.

I've also been to a 50th party where a whole function room has been hired out and I travelled to another city and there were no free drinks or food and it never crossed my mind to think there would be! The host had paid a lot to hire the space and book bands etc, why shouldn't I pay for my drinks?! In fact I bought him one

The other thing that occurs to me about the ‘pay your own way’ model is that it also serves to exclude people from celebrating with friends.

Anyone who can’t afford a night out in a fancy London venue won’t be able to attend the OP’s get together.

Apparently it’s OK for her to ‘exclude the povvos’ to use the charming phrase of a previous poster. How grim and joyless of her - I guess the surroundings are more important than celebrating with her friends though?

I've been to 40th and 50th gatherings that are exactly that - somebody books a table or arranges a place to meet and we all buy our own. It's fine. I also think it's fine too e plain the situ to hubby and ask if he wants to sponsor the drinks or whatever.

No, I’m the sort of person who rolls their eyes at someone who drinks in upmarket London bars claiming poverty.

Except the OP isn’t claiming that - you are the one dragging in such a ludicrous straw man argument.

I hired out a bar/club room for my 30th birthday.

Everyone paid for their own drinks at the bar but i organised a buffet from Morrisons. Wasn’t expensive and went down a treat! We had sandwiches, wraps, fruit platter, sushi, spring rolls, little cakes, pastries and scones.

That sounds like a lovely party.

it's not a party.

it's going out for a drink.

and too expensive there for you to provide anything.

If u are tight for cash then don't organise anything.
Im sorry but i could never invite people to an occasion and then have nothing to offer them when they make the effort to turn up and lets be honest, they will also bring a gift.
If u have invited people to this get together then yes you really need to arrange some finger food at least, its just basic manners.
If u want just a casual night out then you make sure you tell people that you both decided on not having a party and are just going for drinks to mark his birthday and if they are free, you'd love if they'd drop in..i would still at least buy them their first drink when they arrive.
You cannot invite people from further afield to make a journey to a party that you have invited them to and then have no party!!

People keep banging on about this "party".

Please provide a direct quote from the OP where she has said she is organising a party, describes it as a party or even mentions the word party.

I'll wait.

@Lifeofasd1 The OP never used the word party. She's said a get together for drinks all along.

This thread is ridiculous.

Why do you have to choose an expensive bar?
Why not have an open house and tell people to pop by any time between x&x hrs. Have beer and cider to offer. Make a light buffet. Have a sheet cake to serve.
It would be fun and casual.
🤷‍♀️

Because the OP has already said that their place is too small to host.

I'm pretty surprised by the comments here. If it was a work event or a professionally planned function, sure, drinks and canapes paid for. If I invited a bunch of friends to a bar for my husband's birthday I certainly wouldn't be paying for their food and drink and would assume that they know the same, just like I wouldn't meet up at a bar for someone's birthday and expect them to foot the bill. Ridiculous.

I think you are doing more than enough and he will be happy. And unless you have some incredibly uptight and out of touch friends, I don't think anybody is going to be expecting you to pay for their food and drinks.

Firstly, i was thinking, how could anyone possibly think it would be okay to invite people, especially people from further afield to a booked setting, for a celebration and then not even a cocktail sausage or a bite of chicken wing in sight..
Then some posters actually saw nothing wrong with this..Dear God, how is this even a thing??
What will you even say to the ones who had to travel to attend??
I cant..the cringe..
Is this actually a thing for English people???
This def isnt the norm for Irish parties or get/togethers..

This thread isn't about direct quotes. It's about what our personal expectations would be in this particular scenario. My expectations would be that the host of the celebration would provide some level of food and drink.

Wait all you want. Nobody owes you a "direct quote."

It’s tough when you’re on a tight budget - but I must admit all the type of things I’ve been to like this (reserved area of restaurant/bar for milestone birthdays) have included some sort of buffet. Drinks aren’t expected however - everyone always gets their own from the bar in my experience (as some people don’t drink alcohol etc , others drink masses and it just gets too pricey).

I think the assumed thing for milestone birthdays is that people bring a gift (even if only money in a card or given towards a group gift) - but usually do expect to be fed (or watered instead if at somewhere where food isn’t typically served).

Not sure how you could word it on an invitation to do it differently- unless you didn’t make it a formal invitation as such and just say in person/text “We are getting together to celebrate Gary’s fortieth at Bar on date/time - fancy coming along too?” - No mention of hired area/ no formal invitation likely equals no expectations of food/drink/gifts but equally probably more sudden drop- outs or hesitant “yeah, think I’m free” as it seems more casual.

Honestly sounds fucking awful to me! I have visions of sitting next to the sheet cake by myself until about midnight, at which point a load of drunk people wander over on their way back from their fun night out at the pub, and ask why we didn’t join them.

Adults don’t want a party with sandwiches, cheese on a stick and sheet cake. They go out to bars. Given my friends would have been out at a bar anyway, what would be so awful about suggesting we all plan to go to the same one to celebrate a birthday?

There's lots of possible (non selfish) reasons. Space has been mentioned, location is another, if they live in the suburbs or London outskirts it would be a lot more of a faff for the friends travelling from outside London to get to theirs if they'd have to come into central then back out again (and incidentally two lots of additional tube or train journeys would probably cost as much as the free sausage rolls people are insistent simply must be provided or otherwise it's mean/stingy). Or maybe the OP and her DH simply prefer going out to hosting at home - that's allowable isn't it?

Cambridge dictionary defines party as
*
a sociall* eventt at which a groupp* of peopleemeett to talkk, eatt, drinkk, dancee, etc., often in orderr* to celebratee* a speciall occasionn:

Its a social event ..
A group of people are meeting ..
There will be talking,(drinking and eating if paid by oneself) but surely there will be drinks in hand either way..
It is been held to celebrate a special occasion...
Therefore,its a party..
What is wrong with some people on here!!
Its a birthday party
A 40th party
It has invited guests too..
I cant fathom how anyone could possibly think this is acceptable,,it's tight snd really rude

Did I say that they did?

Are you always this prickly? Cant be comfy.