To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

I think it’s fine.
To me, there’s a clear difference between a “party” and “going out for drinks.” And you’re doing the latter.

A party would normally be at someone’s house, or a whole event space/function room is hired out. Then, I’d probably expect a buffet or some type of food. I’d expect drinks if it was held at someone’s house, but I wouldn’t expect free drinks if it was at a function room/event space. Maybe a glass of fizz on arrival or a bucket with some beers in, but no more.

However just “going out for drinks” in a bar, I definitely wouldn’t expect anything. When you’ve not hired out the whole place or anything, you’ve just maybe booked a booth or a big table etc, it wouldn’t cross my mind that drinks or food were involved. If I got a text saying “going out for some birthday drinks at xxbarnamexx, would love you to join us” I definitely wouldn’t be expecting food or drinks provided/

Food and drinks would not be expected in my group if we were invited for a get together for someone's birthday, drinks especially. I've never been to someone's birthday get together in a pub or a party for that matter where drinks have been included

I'd attend a birthday get together in a skip if it was for someone I cared about, and I'd happily take my own drinks (and a present for them).

I can't imagine a world where people expect this kind of constructed transactional nonsense from their friends. I say it again, no wonder MN is awash with people bemoaning they haven't any friends or don't know how to make them.

I ask you again @Aquamarine1029, and @CandidHedgehog too. Should people just not have celebrations if they don't have the means to pay for everyone? Keep the povvos in their place. Joyless and lonely.

And I would choose not to find it rude. Its much easier not being offended by non-incidents.

Not would I consider buying my own drinks in a pub to be paying for a celebration. Because buying your own drinks in the pub is a completely normal thing to do.

Why does everyone want cheap finger food anyway? I always eat a dinner before going to evening events, I don't eat beige/processed meat food, would you wait and eat sausage rolls at 8pm?

A couple of bottles of prosecco/orange juice for a first drink is a lovely gesture if you can afford it, and I would do that for a 40th.

I honestly think you’d be better sacking off the other gifts and paying for some nibbles/ bottles of Prosecco. If I’d hauled myself out and likely travelled a decent distance to a “party” but wasn’t even offered a drink I would be pretty put out. I probably wouldn’t come to the next one.

If you really can’t afford to do a first drink I’d probably just have friends round to the house in small groups.

Some of these replies are so over the top. Tell me you don’t actually go out with friends for drinks much without telling me 😂

OP, it sounds fine! Everyone will be happy to celebrate and see each other - unless your friends are weirdly precious about wanting some cold sausage rolls laid on I’m sure you’ll all have a good night.

When did I say not to have celebrations? There are loads of ways to do so that don't involve making your guests foot the bill. Don't have a celebration in an expensive London bar if you can't afford it. It's not complicated.

But its not a party.

Its "we are going for a drink, would like it if you could join us." Very different. Yes the OP has reserved an area but I do that for guests often at work. They are having birthday drinks and are not sure how many are coming so we reserve them a space just to make sure that there are seats available.

This isn't going out for drinks.

Yes it is, it’s going out for drinks for her partners 40th at a bar. That’s exactly what it is.

It's a celebration the op is inviting people to. We can split hairs all day long. We don't have to agree.

It's exactly what it is. What part of going to a bar with some friends isn't going for drinks?

@IVFendomum you don't NEED to provide anything. You are inviting them to come out with you. Not throwing a party with food. Some people on MN are weird about money stuff and it's usually the ones with plenty to throw about.

Why should all the cost fall on you? Surely a forty year old can fund his own birthday party?

Depends, if on a work night then it’s rush home, get in, get showered/changed, do make up & hair. Grab keys and out again. Travel to venue. Not everyone would have time for dinner before going out.

You'd have to be very clear with guests, that they buy their own drinks and food. They may not come. I honestly would expect a buffet, I'd buy my own drinks.

The op is inviting people, some coming from a distance, to join her in celebrating her husband's 40th Birthday. This is not just "going out for drinks." Maybe it is in your world. That's fine. The op asked for opinions and I gave her mine for this particular set of circumstances.

Ask the bar if you can bring your own food and just bring a handful of snacks for everyone! Could do home made to keep costs down. Also if you make a cake - cut and share it around then that’s more than enough of a gesture. I would not expect to be fed, or get free drinks, if there was a party in a bar in central London! You got this OP 🥳

For my 40th, I booked a venue with a bar and paid for a few bottles of wine so everyone could have a glass on arrival, but after that everyone bought their own drinks.

I was clear that’s what the arrangement was and it was fine, and what most of my friends did. (We are mostly in London and mostly self employed so fluctuating incomes.)

i think as long as you’re honest about what to expect, it’s OK.

I would forgo the night away and I’d throw more money at the party. I’d say to the bar that you want drinks on arrival and provide a glass of bubbly or bottle of beer for guests or put £200 behind the bar. I couldn’t imagine going to someone’s 40th and paying for yourself all night.

So many with all these expectations. Don't you ever just celebrate without it having to be paid for by someone else? I hope your friends are not all grabby like the ones on here @IVFendomum

Where do you draw the distinction? Is it any kind of celebration that means the organiser foots the bill or just a birthday? What about someone's leaving drinks? Or temporarily back in the country and wanting to see everyone drinks?

Is there a degree of formality that it is given by the amount of notice that impacts whether the organiser should be putting money behind the bar or not or is any birthday the same even if it was an invitation to a bar given only the day before?

Like I said, secret rules that aren't universal by any means.

But that doesn’t apply here - the OP could pay for food / drinks - she’s just choosing to spend the money on a private night away with her partner instead.

You don’t seem to be applying logic here anyway - if everyone follows the same rules (paying for guests) it works out about the same or cheaper (bulk purchase of alcohol / food) as everybody paying for themselves. Instead of paying £50 a time for my own drinks / food at 20 people’s parties, it’s £1000 for one party.

Having said that, none of us have parties at upmarket London bars where I expect you could add a zero to those figures. That’s because none of us are in that income bracket and to answer your last question, we take the view people should have the parties they can afford not expect guests to pay for their desire to live above their means.

The first post literally says “I am organising drinks for my husbands 40th”. It’s not about being in different worlds it’s about the actual situation she’s describing - organising drinks, sorting out an area for them to sit/stand together, everyone celebrating his birthday. The responses on here are really weird.