To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

I think when hosting, whether at home or in a public premises you need to be clear about what the evening will entail.

If I was asked to an evening 40th in a bar I would expect to be served some semblance of dinner unless the invitation made it clear that people should eat beforehand. Most pubs do platters of carb heavy beige food to be handed round. If you don't offer anything at all you might find the party breaks up very early as people slope off to eat.

I also think it would be incredibly rude not to at least buy the first round or two. If you don't even offer a drink you aren't really hosting in any true sense. Not many people will expect to drink free all night long but they will expect some semblance of hospitality.

I think you have to choose how you want to prioritise your birthday spending. It's great you want to treat your DH but if a night away AND a party AND a nice present are outside your budget I think you will have to make some tough choices. If it were me I'd prioritise the party - you have the rest of your lives for nights away and presents but this is his only chance for a 40th party with his friends.

@Aquamarine1029 Almost everyone I know could afford £20 for a couple of drinks to celebrate a friend's birthday. Far fewer have a couple of hundred (minimum) kicking about to put behind the bar or spend on a buffet.

As for the suggestions of 'just host a few people at home instead', we don't have space for a dining table in the home we could afford to buy. 3 adults in any one room is a squeeze. We don't have a garden.

Should us povvos just not have celebrations? Just sit at home alone, utterly joyless?

Yep must be a regional thing…..in the NW where I am it would be a definite no no…..people would be embarrassed not to offer hospitality to their guests….even if it was just nibbles….Londoners must do things differently

"Please join us" is inviting someone. Inviting someone to a celebration means you're hosting. Whatever you want to believe in your version of proper etiquette is fine. We don't have to agree.

I'm going to say something very .Mumsnettey now:
Why can't OP's DH chip in - is he working P/T too? It's a lot of financial pressure on OP - she said she's "broke".

Sounds awfully performative. Who cares about "proper" parties, "gracious" hosts and being "thoughtful"?

Surely it is ok to just meet with friends at a bar, no big gifts, and everyone paying their own way.

I'm thinking she may want it to be a bit of a surprise.

Clearly we don't as plenty of others don't agree with you either!

I've been to a 50th and a 40th in pubs where we had an area reserved. At the 50th we were all given a couple of glasses of prosecco. At the 40th there was a buffet table. I wasn't expecting either at either. It was a nice extra but far from required. If someone invites me to join them at the pub then I see no difference between that being an invitation for 40 people on a Saturday night or 3 people on a Wednesday. Neither have connotations of "by the way I'll buy you 2 rounds as I organised it".

I couldn't care less if other people don't agree with me.

I don’t have the sort of friends who are so cheap they don’t offer food and drink when inviting people to a party so it’s never been an issue.

Yeah it's weird and rude to invite people to a party/ celebration and not offer them anything to eat or drink.

I would word the invite along the lines of "we will be in X venue from ?pm would be lovely if you could join us to raise a glass for husbands 40th birthday". I wouldn't mention reserved space, presents, party, celebration etc... I would bring a cake to cut though if the venue allow it.

The ones I've been to recently have been bottles of prosecco for a first drink then people pay for what they want after that, and given lots don't drink, those that do can have a second or third glass! I don't expect food for an evening drinks/bar event at all, if starting time 7 or later.

I really don't understand why people expect free drinks. If you go to a birthday party in a hall do you get free drinks there? Food/buffet, yes but not drinks. I do think op could provide sandwiches as she has reserved an area within a venue but not drinks.

Me either so that's nice!

I do enjoy being far less uptight than many though and just enjoying seeing my friends without any of us creating secret expectations of each other.

Oooh congrats xx

It definitely depends how you word it.

If it's: 'we're going to X pub for some drinks for John's birthday, join us if you can' then cool - that's a night in the pub and people buy rounds/buy their own drinks/whatever they normally do

If it's: 'join us on x-date for John's 40th' and you've hired a room/area in a pub then I think you need to as a minimum have a couple of bottles of wine/fizz/bucket of beers and some crisps/chips or something

I would expect some finger food and soft drinks tbh

No, they just understand hospitality and choose not to socialise with the sort of CF who invite people to a ‘party’ with the expectation the ‘guests’ will pay not only for themselves but also the person pretending to host.

How is being invited to a celebration creating secret expectations? How is honouring your guests, and the person you're gathering for, with even minimal food and drink make you uptight? How is being an invited guest expecting a bit of food and drink make you uptight? I'd love to know.

Thank you, I’m quite pleased about it too.

Or maybe she just wants to spend some time with their friends, and the pub is the cheapest venue big enough to fit them?

The idea that you can’t meet up with your friends unless you have a few grand to pay for their food and drink all night is insane, honestly. Not everyone has a house big enough to throw a party in.

It's a secret expectation because clearly, as this thread shows, it is far from everyone's expectation that if they are invited to a bar on a Saturday night that they will get free drinks.

So if you have this expectation and are convinced anything other than adhering to it (even though not everyone has it so it is a secret rule only some people have) is unreasonable and makes the person whominvited you rude etc then you're being massively uptight. Rather than just enjoying your friends and their company.

Is there a minimum spend @IVFendomum ? If there is, that would make you very unreasonable.

It would be better if you could book a less fancy bar and pay for a few bottles of wine.

My friends/associates would never be rude enough to invite me to a celebration at a venue and expect me to pay for the pleasure. We can and do enjoy each other's company all the time.