To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

I can’t think of a time for many years (if ever) that I’ve taken a friend out for their birthday. I do however go to birthday celebrations that I’m invited to relatively often - drinks in the pub, or dinner at a restaurant usually. I don’t remember the host ever offering to pay for anything. Usually it’s the other way around, where the friends keep insisting all night that the host doesn’t pay for any of their own drinks or food, as it’s their birthday.

I think it depends on the friendship or the friendship group.

One friend had a birthday meal at his favourite restaurant and I didn’t take a present, no one did, except his girlfriend, because it was already costing me £50 for the meal, for cuisine I wouldn’t have chosen.

Then 2 of his friends left without paying so he expected everyone else to pitch in an extra tenner or so for their meals. I was glad I didn’t take a present!

Where has the OP said they want gifts? That is pure conjecture.

Whenever we have done a "Having a drink for my birthday at X pub on the 31st if you want to come along!" no brings or expects presents. There is no social contract there.

And yes @Countingcactus you buy a drink for the birthday person! When it was my birthday so many people bought me drinks I didnt have a to buy a drink for ages as they were all on a tab! First thing I do for someone else is get them a drink "in".

The Op is the host, not her husband, whose birthday it is. She is inviting people to a birthday celebration in honour of her husband.

Personally, I have never been to an event such as this and been expected to pay my own way, and I have gone to countless of them.

If you really can't stretch to a drink or two then I would personally not meet at a bar but invite closest friends for dinner at home. But if it has to be a bar at their cost I'd speak to them privately first and explain that you'd love them to be there but you're struggling for money and can't host. If they're good friends then they'll understand. And def. Say no gifts.

This is why I can't keep up with social rules. Every time I've been out for a birthday meal (which is more expensive than a couple of drinks) the "birthday boy/girl" has never had to pay for even their own meal!

So if it's drinks, the person whose birthday it is pays, but if it's a meal, everyone else pays? Or does it depend on location?

Wow! OP has said she's a bit skint just now. ! I would be very happy to go for drinks to celebrate my good friend's birthday. I wouldn't expect anything from them. Jeeze, some real arseholes in the replies here.

As has been mentioned, just say "we're going for drinks to celebrate....etc"

Maybe get a cake if you can stretch? But it's FINE to let people buy their own drinks OP.

MintyNew
What would be the point though? So you invite them to celebrate your dh but really offer nothing? As you said some people would even travel in. I think you should provide some drink and at least something to eat.

The point being for their friends to celebrate with them. Most people aren't grabby and dont need to be given something for free.

EXACTLY! 💯

I would expect some food and drinks tbh. My family are from Eastern European background and the culture there (in my part anyway) is the birthday person always pays if you are inviting people. Here it's more mixed as I have experienced both, where some do not allow for the birthday person to pay for anything. Depends on what your friends are like and you know them. Would they seem ok with this?

Being invited to a party and assuming there will be some drinks and food provided doesn't make you "grabby." It makes you pretty normal.

To me booking an area suggests a bit more than meeting for drinks. Can't u ask the venue if they could do sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps and nibbles for the table? I wouldn't bother with handing a drink on arrival, noone provides free drinks at parties...or do they? 🤔

I wouldn't post out paper invitations, that does look like 'an event". Just send a text or set up a WhatsApp group saying you's are meeting for drinks at x bar if they would like to join you.

@Aquamarine1029 You must move in fortunate circles, well done you.

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January

Except you're not.

and on top of that you've chosen a venue where your non guests are going to have to buy expensive drinks.

I don't get why everyone is getting so hung up on photos. Wtf? Who cares? You need to be given drinks and food in order to let someone take your photograph?! Totally bonkers!!

Grabby and being given something for free is a novel take on being a guest.

MN has weird ideas about hosting obligations.

If someone says they will be on Tuesday at a bar X to celebrate, everyone in real world will expect to pay for their own drinks and snacks.

That's not at all what I said.

Quite.

So entitled!
It's your friends birthday. Stop being such an arse!

Does your dh know you have booked this ' drinks ' event ?

surely when he is there he will feel obliged to put his hand in his pocket and buy his guests drinks ?

and yes, his guests will turn up with gifts and cards.

which will make your dh feel even more obliged.

Some really weird replies here. I've been to numerous 40th birthday events in the last few years, mostly in London bars and pubs. I can only think of one occasion where the hosts paid for something (some finger food, no drinks). All the others the guests simply got what they wanted from the bar (and the hosts provided cake). Things may be different in other cultures or locations of course, but this scenario is pretty normal in London.

If by fortunate you mean people with good manners, then yes. You don't have to be wealthy to throw a lovely party, and a lovely party doesn't have to be in an expensive bar that the host can't afford.

The answers are so varied.
A 40th is a big birthday and it's also a mature one...I personally think do it properly or scrub out have drinks in a bar or put the money towards the bar "event" and make a a proper party.. It just sounds as though you want everything when that's not what you can afford... it's a 40th, surely you want something stylish and classy, being a gracious host is being thoughtful to your guests.

I was curious about that! I used to organise a lot of booze ups events in London; nowhere would reserve space without a guaranteed bar take, unless they already knew us well enough to be confident of a profit.

I keep hearing about how London venues are having to be strict these days, due to escalating costs, so am surprised OP managed to wangle a space for nothing.

Anyway, I agree it's all about the wording.

And for many of us there is nothing lacking in manners in inviting people to join you at a particular bar for a birthday and that meaning exactly what it says. Not please join us and we'll buy you dinner and drinks. Just join us.

It's not a party, OP never claimed it was a party, there's no suggestion she's worded invitations to suggest it's a party.