To organise a 40th and not include drinks or food?

[IVFendomum]

I’m organising drinks for my husbands 40th in January. I’ve booked an area in a bar in central London so relatively easy for most of our friends to get to. I have asked some of his close friends from further afield but said no expectation at all.

I’m spending quite a bit on taking him away for a night and I also want to buy him a gift to open. I don’t have much spare cash - am PT at the mo and really feeling the slashed income.

AIBU to not include drinks or food for everyone? Would you be offended? Or is it okay to just organise a get together and book an area and that be enough?

Bizarre and in very, very poor taste. If you can't afford to throw a party, you don't.

🤦🏻‍♀️ To be fair, there were probably a few beers somewhere - I didn’t ask. I always try to take as much as I intend to drink to a house party. This is common courtesy in all social circles I’ve ever been part of.

Never been to a party like that.

Maybe where you're from or related to social circles makes a difference, but in my friendship group if the invite said meet at x bar for birthday drinks no one would expect any drinks or food to be provided, in fact the opposite, I would be surprised to be provided either, and most people would probably cover at least a few drinks for the birthday person.

If we were invited to a restaurant for a birthday dinner, the way we would usually work it would be that everyone chips in a bit to cover the birthday person's dinner, then any ongoing drinks would be paid for individually or in a fairly split round.

Surprisingly it seems we may even still consider buying the birthday person a birthday present, because, you know, we might actually like the person who's birthday it is and enjoy spending time with them.

Equally, a gift isn't always expected either - sometimes just getting the birthday person a drink and turning up is enough of a gift.

The only circumstances under which I would expect food to be provided would be if it was a hired venue sort of situation, then would probably expect a buffet. Even at that, there's rarely a free bar - a welcome drink would be a nice surprise, but no one would bat an eyelid if that wasn't on offer. A free bar would be seen as extremely generous.

I think cultural. In some cultures you host, you welcome people, you give them food and drink because it's welcoming and friendly. That's a traditional way, but obviously not for some people.

And @Jaichangecentfoisdenom

I think it’s also life stage… in my 20’s-30’s it would have been normal to pay your own way but there’s a weird thing that happens when everyone gets older and more established in life where more events are hosted.

OP I would ask your DH either to contribute to the gathering so some snacks and fizz can be provided or ask him to choose between the night out or the hotel night away.

He is presumably doing rather well out what appears to be non pooled finances, so he can afford to treat his mates to at least one drink.

Yes, I always take drinks, and a gift.
I find it extraordinary though that a host would provide nothing, but obviously many people on the thread think that's ok..

I don’t understand the majority of these responses- no way if I was going to a friends celebration that was an area in a pub would I expect food or drinks. Feels like a few of those posters maybe don’t get out much.

These replies are ridiculous @IVFendomum

I would not expect anything if I went to a 40th birthday party. I would expect to pay for my own drinks and to eat beforehand. I wouldn't expect you to put anything on for me and I would also bring a present.

You're asking people to come and celebrate his birthday though? Put themselves out to do that when you're doing nothing other than letting people know where you'll be?

Not once I have ever considered celebrating a friend's birthday as 'putting myself out' @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. I actually like my friends and enjoy celebrating with them.

I'm endlessly baffled by the MN trope that an invite of any kind is an utter imposition. No wonder there's thread after thread of people complaining they don't have any friends. Many on this thread don't seem to understand what friends are.

This is such an interesting thread in terms of split opinions! Wouldn’t you normally buy your mate a drink on their birthday rather than expecting the other way around?

I go to quite a few birthday celebrations throughout the year but prefer a quiet time with just my partner for my own birthday, so I’m wondering if I’m missing a trick here? 😂 (Joke)

I think you’d need to at least provide the first drink and a basic buffet

@sweetpickle2 not so much not get out much, but have rich friends. It’s easy to be generous when you’re rich.

But it's because people are friends that I want to host them when they kindly make the effort to join me to celebrate my birthday! I don't expect presents from them at all, I want them to have a lovely time with me and I want to provide them with the wherewithal in the form of a venue, food, and drinks, to do so! (And yes, I am lucky to be able to afford to do this.)

So which of these is more grim?

A. Your friends ask you to come and celebrate a special birthday, because they like you and want you there;

B. the get-together doesn't happen due to lack of funds, the special birthday goes unmarked, you don't see your friends, you stay in by yourself.

I’ve been to a few 40ths lately and the most that’s been provided was hotdogs (at like 6pm so most people not there yet) and a vodka luge. Didn’t even occur to me to expect food or drink. Went to one last weekend (private venue) and it was just a pay bar and birthday cake and there were some bowls of crisps but I didn’t have any. That was the best party I’ve been to in ages, such brilliant company and amazing vibes.

You would definitely buy your friend drinks when you take them out for their birthday. The op has reserved space and is inviting people to come to a celebration. It's an entirely different thing.

Yes but many people think people who invite guests to a birthday party (so gifts expected) but don’t provide any food or drink fall into the ‘grabby and expecting something for free’ category.

I have been invited to a "We are going out for a drink to celebrate X's birthday if you would like to join us. We will be in X bar from 7 onwards"

I always assumed it was drinks only, buy your own, no expectations of food etc as it isnt a party invitation. Just like a normal night out but on a specific date close to someones birthday. Never been an issue.

The key is the wording, something like the above is fine something like "We would love to see you to celebrate X's birthday at X bar at X time" sounds more like a party invite. Keep the wording like you would organising any other night out and you will be fine.

MN is another world to me, I personally have never once been to a wedding or party with a free bar for example, but in MN world it is the height of rudeness to not provide all the booze (stupid imo as you will always get those who go mad simply because it is free, so more like to get messy).

Wow I really don’t think like that when it comes to my friends. And I wouldn’t go to the party of someone who wasn’t my friend.

@CandidHedgehog And yet aren't those who want food and drinks provided for them at a get together also grabby and expecting something for free?

Then book a bar that suits your budget, like most people do?

You don't need a swanky London bar, there are plenty of normal pubs here who would lay on a basic buffet.

It seems to me, you want it all - the friends/family get together but are providing nothing yourself. These people will likely feel obliged or want to bring a gift, it is a celebration after all. And then you you want a nice get away for yourselves plus gift. I think you are doing too much on a limited budget, no shame in that, but If you are not careful the whole birthday by the time you do everything will look like a poor do. Do one thing, if funds are tight but do it the best that you can..

I don't think it's a great idea. OK to offer food and just one drink, but not OK to offer nothing at all. There are cheaper options such as a shared picnic. Or you could just take your DH to a pub and mention to a few close friends that you'll be there if they would like to come along and surprise him.