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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel sick! Don’t know if I’m being paranoid though.

130 replies

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 14:56

My husband has been acting a bit ‘off’ for about a year I’d say. It started with him hardly ever wanting sex, but I partly put it down to age (he was 52 at this point) and the fact I’ve let myself go majorly (I wouldn’t want to do it with me if I was him). He then bought new clothes and has regular hair cuts - I mean, he didn’t even bother getting his hair cut for our wedding! So this felt strange.

He then started acting funny with his phone. I noticed he never left it lying around like before and where he used to sit in the living room (where you could see his phone screen as it’s all open plan) he then changed where he sat and sits with his back to the wall so you can’t see what’s on his screen without getting up and going over to him. (In which case, he’ll put it away). He never sits next to me on his phone, it’s always with his back to me, or like yesterday, he was at the bottom of the stairs on his phone, I came out, he quickly walked up stairs putting his phone in his pocket.

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about, it was enough for me to go searching for things. I don’t know his passwords to anything, so I thought I’d start with Facebook and try guessing his password. I put his phone number in and it came up with a different guy’s name, but linked to his mobile number and an email which although most was asterisks, started with his initial and not this guy’s initial. (I hope I’m making sense). I then tried getting into that email and clicked on ‘forgotten password’ and another email address and his mobile number came up on the recovery page. So he has at least two more emails than I thought and a Facebook account under another name.

I phoned him and just asked how many email accounts does he have and he said one. When pressed a bit, he said maximum two and one is a gmail account. This isn’t true - he has at least 2 outlooks and 1 Hotmail. I then asked how many Facebook accounts he has and he said 1 and sounded confused. He asked me why I’m asking and I said not to worry and hung up. He then sent a message asking, ‘what are you on about?’

I don’t know if I am BU, as when I say he’s become weird with his phone, he tells me I just want an argument and says, ‘look at my phone then, go on, go on!’ And shouts at me, so I just back down. Has always made me think maybe I’m overthinking it and he’s not done anything wrong. But finding out about the other email addresses and the Facebook under a different name has made me think perhaps I’m right to be suspicious. It’s so hard as there’s no way of finding out more info and he’s had the chance to be honest with me but hasn’t.

OP posts:
ComeTheFckOnBridget · 17/09/2024 15:04

Sadly, I think you're very right to be suspicious, these are classic giveaways.

What do you want to do next op?

Flowers
Neverstophoping · 17/09/2024 15:06

I think you know you aren't being paranoid OP . Everything adds up to something going on even if it's not a full physical affair.
You really need to sit down together and talk about the state of your marriage. Tell him your suspicions. Before you talk to him have it clear in your head what your line in the sand is as regards the future of your marriage.

Limth · 17/09/2024 15:09

You're right to be suspicious. He's offering for you to look through his phone because he knows you're on to him and has cleaned up any incriminating evidence.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/09/2024 15:11

I’m sorry OP this is a hard one, I would try having a proper talk with him about it all. Realistically he’s hid any evidence by now, so the only way you will know is if you ask him.

LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 15:12

Hard to say. I have another Facebook because some things I don't want to comment on in my name. So like one time I could see an argument on a local big story and I'm a bit strange about putting my own name to things, so I commented on the argument as a totally different person. My DH doesn't know I have it, but only because I've never mentioned it. Not because I've hidden it. It's no secret. So that alone I couldn't say one way or another. What's the point in him contacting people under a different name if his intention is to cheat? His photo or not his photo?

MounjaroUser · 17/09/2024 15:28

I don't think anyone is going to say you shouldn't be suspicious, OP. He sounds as though he's up to something.

What do you want to happen now? What does a life without him look like?

AdviceNeeded2024 · 17/09/2024 15:45

I’m so sorry OP this all seems really suss and I don’t think you’re being paranoid. Mine cheated and first sign was the classic changing hair and clothes etc, then guarded and suspicious with phone. I had a gut feeling for a while then I found out what was going on.

You need to sit him down and talk to him, ask him direct questions, his face and demeanour will tell you all you need to know.

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 15:45

@LoubeighLough it’s not his photo. I managed to get onto that Facebook and it’s very strange in the sense that there are no friends on there, a different image and different jobs listed on there. Like he was a builder in 2017 and left to attend college later on. It’s freaked me out more than if there was a message from another woman… it’s like he’s created an image with a different life on Facebook and then hasn’t spoken to anyone on there.

All I can see from it, is he’s searched a couple of friends on it and there’s a message from a guy on there saying hi (then this made up name) play you golf next week in pe (no idea what that means… do you think he’s closet gay perhaps?) I’m so confused at this point!

OP posts:
LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 15:52

Oh that is strange. Searching for people on it, and a message off someone! You need to tell him what you know and tell him to explain. So strange.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 17/09/2024 15:54

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 15:45

@LoubeighLough it’s not his photo. I managed to get onto that Facebook and it’s very strange in the sense that there are no friends on there, a different image and different jobs listed on there. Like he was a builder in 2017 and left to attend college later on. It’s freaked me out more than if there was a message from another woman… it’s like he’s created an image with a different life on Facebook and then hasn’t spoken to anyone on there.

All I can see from it, is he’s searched a couple of friends on it and there’s a message from a guy on there saying hi (then this made up name) play you golf next week in pe (no idea what that means… do you think he’s closet gay perhaps?) I’m so confused at this point!

That’s really strange about the photo. Could be that someone has set it up using his number and he doesn’t know about it?

Has he changed any settings on his WhatsApp such as turning off his last seen online, or turning on disappearing messages? There is also a function on WhatsApp where you can hide a chat and it’s locked away.

I don’t know about the golf thing. I know sometimes golf can refer to ‘any hole’ when talking about sex but who knows, could be innocent. Have you looked at that persons profile and googled their name?

Be prepared you likely won’t get the full truth from him. Only you’ll know if you believe him or not but I’d talk to him ASAP or you’ll be thinking all sorts and going out of your mind with all the different scenarios.

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 15:56

This profile with the fake name, he’s sent a friend request to another profile in his real name.

so he has his Facebook profile (I’m friends with him on there) this profile with a fake name and a third profile in his real name. Who needs 3 Facebook profiles? (2 of which are secret and 1 of which is in a completely different name).

this can’t be normal can it?

OP posts:
LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 15:58

Even his normal profile is secret?

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 16:02

@LoubeighLough he has one profile, let’s say his name is James Smith. He’s got one as James Smith, with me on there and all his family and friends. That’s the one profile he says he has.

He then has another in James Smith that no one knows about - no profile picture and then one in Alan Roberts (that he’s added the secret James Smith on). It’s all very odd to me.

OP posts:
AdviceNeeded2024 · 17/09/2024 16:03

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 15:56

This profile with the fake name, he’s sent a friend request to another profile in his real name.

so he has his Facebook profile (I’m friends with him on there) this profile with a fake name and a third profile in his real name. Who needs 3 Facebook profiles? (2 of which are secret and 1 of which is in a completely different name).

this can’t be normal can it?

No. That’s weird. Can’t think of any reason why you’d need 3 unless you had a business or were a content creator (so say review books on YouTube then set up Facebook for your followers kind of thing which is separate from your personal account)

KaleQueen · 17/09/2024 16:38

What’s his job? If it’s anything to do with business support in any way he might have set one up for a client?

OneTC · 17/09/2024 16:41

Occam's razor: cheating scumbag

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2024 16:55

DH has a couple of fake FB pages with made up names and details, but they're to do with work. I didn't know about them and he mentioned them quite by chance one day and then happily showed them to me. That sounds very different to what's happening here. The changed behaviour and anger are significant signs of something untoward.

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 16:56

He works in a factory as a quality control supervisor. Also, if there were an explanation for all these accounts and emails, he would have answered ‘I have 3 facebooks for reasons x,y,z.’ He doesn’t need multiple accounts for his work. If nothing else, he’s shown he can lie to me (and quite well, as he sounded genuinely confused as to why I’d even ask about him having multiple accounts).

He’s now deleted the hotmail account associated with the Facebook I’ve always known about. That’s also suss.

OP posts:
LoubeighLough · 17/09/2024 17:01

He has some explaining to do. And I wouldnt be happy if he thinks he doesn't need to explain.

Slalomsfathoms · 17/09/2024 17:06

May be crazy but is he a spy? 🕵️

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 17:11

@Slalomsfathoms he would be a rubbish spy if that was the case! He’s just searched for two men and had one message from one man which is why I asked if he may be closet gay? It’s the only activity on there and he wouldn’t know to delete his activity - messages, yes, but activity I reckon he wouldn’t even know was a thing on there. So on that particular account all I can see is that he’s searched two men and had a message about golf from another man.

I’ve got nothing substantial to go off, but I know it doesn’t feel right. I can’t see what’s on the other accounts or the other emails (I’ve just found a fourth email!) can’t get onto any of them, just the Facebook with the fake name.

OP posts:
SixNewThreads · 17/09/2024 17:17

That all sounds very strange. Is he going out more than usual? Has his routine changed?

justasking111 · 17/09/2024 17:23

Trust your gut people often say

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 20:27

He denied it all, so I showed him proof. Then he admitted to the one with a fake name and said it was from ages ago and he deleted it. Told me I’ve probably activated it again now.

He told me the other one with his same name is his cousin and he doesn’t use the other emails any more. I said why would his cousin block me (I’ve been blocked from the other account with his name) and he said he doesn’t know. I’ve never met his cousin.

I got angry and asked to look through his phone; I said ‘you’ve told me I can look through your phone before, so let me look now’ and he said no, because it will start another argument. Then said I always want to start arguments.

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 17/09/2024 20:34

Well. If it looks like a cheating wanker. It’s a cheating wanker. To be honest I wouldn’t need more proof. It might be men. It might be women. He deleted the Hotmail account because it will have told him the password was changed and it’s been compromised.