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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel sick! Don’t know if I’m being paranoid though.

130 replies

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 14:56

My husband has been acting a bit ‘off’ for about a year I’d say. It started with him hardly ever wanting sex, but I partly put it down to age (he was 52 at this point) and the fact I’ve let myself go majorly (I wouldn’t want to do it with me if I was him). He then bought new clothes and has regular hair cuts - I mean, he didn’t even bother getting his hair cut for our wedding! So this felt strange.

He then started acting funny with his phone. I noticed he never left it lying around like before and where he used to sit in the living room (where you could see his phone screen as it’s all open plan) he then changed where he sat and sits with his back to the wall so you can’t see what’s on his screen without getting up and going over to him. (In which case, he’ll put it away). He never sits next to me on his phone, it’s always with his back to me, or like yesterday, he was at the bottom of the stairs on his phone, I came out, he quickly walked up stairs putting his phone in his pocket.

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about, it was enough for me to go searching for things. I don’t know his passwords to anything, so I thought I’d start with Facebook and try guessing his password. I put his phone number in and it came up with a different guy’s name, but linked to his mobile number and an email which although most was asterisks, started with his initial and not this guy’s initial. (I hope I’m making sense). I then tried getting into that email and clicked on ‘forgotten password’ and another email address and his mobile number came up on the recovery page. So he has at least two more emails than I thought and a Facebook account under another name.

I phoned him and just asked how many email accounts does he have and he said one. When pressed a bit, he said maximum two and one is a gmail account. This isn’t true - he has at least 2 outlooks and 1 Hotmail. I then asked how many Facebook accounts he has and he said 1 and sounded confused. He asked me why I’m asking and I said not to worry and hung up. He then sent a message asking, ‘what are you on about?’

I don’t know if I am BU, as when I say he’s become weird with his phone, he tells me I just want an argument and says, ‘look at my phone then, go on, go on!’ And shouts at me, so I just back down. Has always made me think maybe I’m overthinking it and he’s not done anything wrong. But finding out about the other email addresses and the Facebook under a different name has made me think perhaps I’m right to be suspicious. It’s so hard as there’s no way of finding out more info and he’s had the chance to be honest with me but hasn’t.

OP posts:
PixieLaLar · 18/09/2024 19:49

EcoChica1980 · 18/09/2024 14:19

I've now read all your posts OP. Maybe he's a shit husband and father and you're better off without him but, unless I'm missing something, you don't actually have any proof of anything in terms of an affair, right? It's just a feeling. He seems a bit 'off'.

There's loads of embarrassing online behaviour that a person might need a fake account to do. They might be ashamed of these things and not want to admit to them, but they don't necessarily add up to cheating.

He sounds a nightmare in other ways, tbh, but your behaviour is toxic too. The demands and ultimatums that he answer you suspicions are abusive and no one should have to put up with that from a partner.

Oh do fk off.

Her ‘proof’ is that’s her DH has multiple Facebook account and email addresses’ that he is lying about.

OP does not sound toxic in any way.

inspectorgadgetman · 20/09/2024 12:43

Your not Paranoid. Your hubby is gettimg it on with another hole punch. It may be a woman or it may be a man but he is punching someones hole or getting his hole punched. He is also Gaslighting you by saying your over thinking it. That ios classic Gaslighting. Get the Dee-Vorce-Papers ready Sweetheart.

ZeldaFighter · 20/09/2024 12:59

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your kids. If it helps, you sound determined and well-prepared and I'm sure you'll continue to be a great mum to your kids.
When you went into details about your finances and your tenancy agreement, your partner sounds awful. I think, whether or not he's cheating, your life might be better without him.
I would not stand in the way of visits etc for him though - clearly your daughter loves him.

CutiePatooties · 20/09/2024 21:56

ZeldaFighter · 20/09/2024 12:59

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your kids. If it helps, you sound determined and well-prepared and I'm sure you'll continue to be a great mum to your kids.
When you went into details about your finances and your tenancy agreement, your partner sounds awful. I think, whether or not he's cheating, your life might be better without him.
I would not stand in the way of visits etc for him though - clearly your daughter loves him.

I wouldn’t stand in the way of him seeing his children - weekends would be far less chaotic and less of an impact on their current routine.

OP posts:
WigglyVonWaggly · 20/09/2024 22:28

Oh, they always invite you to look at their phone once they’ve had 45 minutes to hide everything and text the OW something like ‘not safe to message - wait until I call you.’ Don’t trust anything other than your instincts, OP. I’ve been there with a fellow multiple email bastard.

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