I feel sick! Don’t know if I’m being paranoid though.

[CutiePatooties]

My husband has been acting a bit ‘off’ for about a year I’d say. It started with him hardly ever wanting sex, but I partly put it down to age (he was 52 at this point) and the fact I’ve let myself go majorly (I wouldn’t want to do it with me if I was him). He then bought new clothes and has regular hair cuts - I mean, he didn’t even bother getting his hair cut for our wedding! So this felt strange.

He then started acting funny with his phone. I noticed he never left it lying around like before and where he used to sit in the living room (where you could see his phone screen as it’s all open plan) he then changed where he sat and sits with his back to the wall so you can’t see what’s on his screen without getting up and going over to him. (In which case, he’ll put it away). He never sits next to me on his phone, it’s always with his back to me, or like yesterday, he was at the bottom of the stairs on his phone, I came out, he quickly walked up stairs putting his phone in his pocket.

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about, it was enough for me to go searching for things. I don’t know his passwords to anything, so I thought I’d start with Facebook and try guessing his password. I put his phone number in and it came up with a different guy’s name, but linked to his mobile number and an email which although most was asterisks, started with his initial and not this guy’s initial. (I hope I’m making sense). I then tried getting into that email and clicked on ‘forgotten password’ and another email address and his mobile number came up on the recovery page. So he has at least two more emails than I thought and a Facebook account under another name.

I phoned him and just asked how many email accounts does he have and he said one. When pressed a bit, he said maximum two and one is a gmail account. This isn’t true - he has at least 2 outlooks and 1 Hotmail. I then asked how many Facebook accounts he has and he said 1 and sounded confused. He asked me why I’m asking and I said not to worry and hung up. He then sent a message asking, ‘what are you on about?’

I don’t know if I am BU, as when I say he’s become weird with his phone, he tells me I just want an argument and says, ‘look at my phone then, go on, go on!’ And shouts at me, so I just back down. Has always made me think maybe I’m overthinking it and he’s not done anything wrong. But finding out about the other email addresses and the Facebook under a different name has made me think perhaps I’m right to be suspicious. It’s so hard as there’s no way of finding out more info and he’s had the chance to be honest with me but hasn’t.

So odd? He’s hiding something

What a vile specimen of a man. Sitting with his head down, woe is me, I'm doing nothing wrong and have the classic nagging, crazy wife. That behaviour would be enough to get rid of him OP.

But not cuddling his daughter, his child who is worried about him? That's a different level. What a horrible, selfish little man.

Kick this fucker out, get yourself a glow up and live the rest of your life, with your beautiful children, in absolute happiness.

Microsoft is retiring hotmail in favour of outlook so this may not be connected. Other than that though, too much secrecy!

Before your updates I thought, while it definitely looks dodgy and I’d be confused and concerned in your situation, there was still a very small chance that this might be innocent.
I’m quite a private person, so I have two profiles in my real name - one that has everybody on it (colleagues etc, people I don’t know very well), and a second linked profile that I use more, with close friends and family. I also had a pseudonym account I used for interacting in groups when the subject matter was slightly personal and I didn’t want to risk comments being seen by acquaintances.

But, if asked, I would immediately and easily be able to explain those accounts and why I have/had them. I no longer know the log in for the pseudonym account, but I’d be able to tell a partner what I’d been using it for and my explanations would make sense because they’d be honest.

He told me the other one with his same name is his cousin and he doesn’t use the other emails any more. I said why would his cousin block me (I’ve been blocked from the other account with his name) and he said he doesn’t know. I’ve never met his cousin
This doesn’t make sense.
He’s hiding something, he’s not being honest with you.

“You always start an argument” or do you try to start a conversation which he then turns it into an argument by being defensive? Shutting down attempts at discussion and accusing you of being argumentative is a good technique to avoid talking about his behaviour.

So sorry OP, none of this looks good.

I’m sorry op. I know that sick feeling all too well! Can you access bank statements? See if he’s been spending in usual places? Do you have find my iPhone on his phone? Anything else you can check to see what he’s up to?

I agree it all sounds dodgy as fuck, but whatever he has been doing, he’s been denying and justifying it to himself for a while, so he’s not just suddenly going to see the error of his ways and fess up - they never do……

Yep my partner does too, because he uses Facebook to log into apps very often and he does it to avoid them data mining.

But like your DH he shows them to me, nothing to hide at all.

OP the intention with calling you "nutty" and saying "you always start an argument" is to shut you down and control you, so that you don't communicate assertively with him and are compliant.
It's obviously working because you modified your behaviour and chose to let the mean way he treated your daughter slide.
Don't let him control you.
Who cares if you "play into his narrative?" You know the truth and he is going to create a narrative where you are the villan and he is whiter than snow regardless of your actions.

Obviously none of us can tell you for certain what's going on with him, but there are red flags all over this. If my husband was worried about me cheating I'd happily hand him my phone and passwords for things to put his mind at ease. That he isn't taking calm steps to reassure you is concerning.

My ex had 2 fake facebook accounts and emails, finally got it out of him, he was pretending to be a different man on 1 account and a woman on another and using it to rinse money out of desperate perverts, talking dirty, selling pictures of naked men/women off the internet pretending that's who they were talking to and selling used underwear. He had actually made about £3k over the space of a year - I on the other hand found out where my underwear had been disappearing to and finished him.

He might not be cheating. But there is definitely something going on. Sit him down and tell him you want to know what is going on, you are not stupid and that if he doesn't come clean with whatever it is he is upto then you want him to leave. His response will tell you everything you need to know, even if he tells you nothing.

His FB account may have been hacked!

To be honest, this relationship is dead in the water. He lies, is secretive, you have no intimacy, and he’s just not trustworthy.

I would be looking for legal advice rather than looking for more “evidence”. You know it’s over.

Good detective work OP! I’m seeing a lot of red flags, suspicious email/Facebook accounts aside. Being so defensive of his phone is a bit strange. But what really stands out is offering the phone for you to look at, but in a very aggressive way knowing that it will put you off…and then when you do ask to look, accusing you of trying to start arguments. Seems like quite manipulative behaviour at best, and at worst I feel like this is the groundwork for him being able to blame you for whatever he’s been up to. It’s your fault for starting arguments, being suspicious, being a ‘crazy’ woman…men have been pulling this playbook out since the dawn of time.

I have a sneaking suspicion this won’t be the first time he’s made you feel responsible for HIS actions either (don’t want to put words in your mouth OP so do correct me if I’m wrong)…but the fact you‘re, perhaps subconsciously, blaming yourself for him not having sex with you because you’ve “let yourself go”. I feel like, usually a woman will feel that way because a man has made her feel that way. Maybe in things he’s said or done, but we internalise that and start blaming ourselves. It’s a small thing but made me feel like there’s a larger pattern of behaviour from him here that perhaps you’re only starting to notice.

I did think maybe it could be harmless and I did as everyone suggested and asked him and he continued to lie to me. His second account in his name, he has added from his fake name account. It’s the only account he has added on there and he tells me it’s his cousin - besides this ‘cousin’ blocking me being odd, I’ve actually found his cousin with the same name and showed him this is his account, not the one he added on his fake account. He’s continuing to lie and now saying this person is nothing to do with him …. Well, two hours ago he was your cousin so which one is it?

I understand people on here are telling me why they or their partners have more than one account, but at this point, that doesn’t help me. He didn’t justify having the two accounts - he’s even lying about having one of them (as he can’t lie about fake name, as I got into that account, he’s lying about the other one as I can’t access anything on there).

If he said, I have this account for x reason and the other one for y, if you’re concerned, there’s the password for the other one - I’ve got nothing to hide, etc I wouldn’t have even asked to look on his phone, as I would have trusted him from that point. However, he’s making up some story about his cousin (which I’ve found out isn’t true) he has me blocked on that other account in his name (why, if it’s set up innocently?) and then as my suspicions raised further, to the point where I asked to see his phone, he said no, as it will start an argument. Well the other day you shouted for me to look on your phone, so what’s different about today? The fact that I asked you, caught you off-guard and you knew full well I meant it.

Saying it will cause an argument if I look through his phone is very odd - If I read into something on his phone (he says I overthink things) he could easily argue his defence anyway, so it wouldn’t be much of an argument would it?

PP’s right - I did modify my behaviour this morning. I wanted to tell him not to treat her that way and that she hasn’t done anything wrong (I should have, to model that behaviour is not tolerated). Instead I remained silent and hugged her. She probably thought she had no one defending her and now I feel terrible.

What a nasty, gaslighting, lying, deceitful cretin. What kind of father takes this out on their own child? Any child, for that matter.

Sorry but he has checked out of family life.. And of being your dh. He is getting attention from someone.... If you share bank accounts get looking for suspicious payments...

We have separate bank accounts and I can’t check his internet history as he only uses his phone to access the internet.

I did this and someone agreed with me to the extent she sent fake me a friend request and wants fake me to go with her to a protest! My DH does know about fake me, but I’d say it’s not really his business.

Having said that though, your DH’s secretive behaviour is very suspicious I’d say. I’d keep looking without telling him.

Who is this made up name following/friends with on fb?

Ok, not sure if this works the same but there’s something called “ dead drop” email that criminals use.
There’s an email address and password that everyone in criminal gang knows — they go in, write an email but don’t send it. Everyone else can read the email and leave an email as a reply ( saved as a draft) but nothing is ever sent as that leaves a trail.
Can FB be used the same way? There’s another woman ( or man) who accesses ‘Alan Robert’s’ for messages ?
Fwiw ex friend had an affair with a married man for 10 years and she was in his phone as ‘Fred the builder’

If it looks like a cheat, smells like a cheat and acts like a cheat....

sorry OP I think your instincts are spot on here. If he didn't want to cause an argument he would have let you look at his phone not gaslit you and blamed you for his behaviour.

you can see your search history on your router if it has the ability to log data and you can access its interface:
Find your router's IP address, which is usually on the back of the router or in the documentation
Enter the IP address in your browser's search bar
Log in to your router's user interface
Navigate to the admin page and look for a tab or panel labeled "History," "Router history," or "System logs"

Might be worth a try

Well he’s just sat here crying, swearing on all the lives of everyone he loves, that he hasn’t done anything.

He said he can’t go into work feeling like this and he’ll lose money now (continuing with making me feel bad). He told me he never has time for an affair and asked me to tell him when he’d get time to do that. He keeps asking me questions about this other account, like ‘why would I be liking American sports on there, it’s not me! It’s not my account. Why would I follow American things on it?’ So I said, it’s not for me to tell you why you’d have another account in your name. If the account was unrelated to you in any way, you wouldn’t have added it from an account you made. Why would you add someone you didn’t know?

He said again about not wanting arguments all the time and started crying. I told him if this is meant to make me feel any kind of sympathy then please stop, as you’re embarrassing us both and the tears soon stopped. I said you didn’t even let me look on your phone and now he’s said I can, so I asked if he thinks I was born yesterday, as last night he didn’t let me look through it. So clearly something he didn’t want me seeing last night, he’s now erased.

I’ve told him to either go to work or go and play in traffic, as I can not be indoors with him all day.

Tbh this sounds like the best case scenario for two accounts.
He is actually making money on the side lol 🤣

I'd start buying my undies in primark and pepco tho.

Your gut instinct is your best weapon here. I was in a similar situation and quelle surprise he was meeting up with another woman. He deliberately me feel like I was paranoid over the course of a year, told me there was something mentally wrong with me. But no there wasn't, honestly my first overwhelming feeling when he finally admitted it wasn't anger but relief. Pure relief that I wasn't wrong and wasn't mentally unwell. You're in a horrible position and I really hope you find peace whatever that looks like!

He's only crying because he's been caught.

You say here he claims he doesn't have time for an affair. Does he though? Does he go out in the evenings? Does he stay out all night? I won't go into detail but I know of an affair where the married man would use the pretence of being at work and meeting the affair partner while wife thought he was at the office or on away trips for work etc. is this a possible feature?

FYI, even if he doesn't have time for an in person affair, there's loads of time to talk to other women / men online, even when you're together in the same room (speaking from experience)