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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel sick! Don’t know if I’m being paranoid though.

130 replies

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 14:56

My husband has been acting a bit ‘off’ for about a year I’d say. It started with him hardly ever wanting sex, but I partly put it down to age (he was 52 at this point) and the fact I’ve let myself go majorly (I wouldn’t want to do it with me if I was him). He then bought new clothes and has regular hair cuts - I mean, he didn’t even bother getting his hair cut for our wedding! So this felt strange.

He then started acting funny with his phone. I noticed he never left it lying around like before and where he used to sit in the living room (where you could see his phone screen as it’s all open plan) he then changed where he sat and sits with his back to the wall so you can’t see what’s on his screen without getting up and going over to him. (In which case, he’ll put it away). He never sits next to me on his phone, it’s always with his back to me, or like yesterday, he was at the bottom of the stairs on his phone, I came out, he quickly walked up stairs putting his phone in his pocket.

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about, it was enough for me to go searching for things. I don’t know his passwords to anything, so I thought I’d start with Facebook and try guessing his password. I put his phone number in and it came up with a different guy’s name, but linked to his mobile number and an email which although most was asterisks, started with his initial and not this guy’s initial. (I hope I’m making sense). I then tried getting into that email and clicked on ‘forgotten password’ and another email address and his mobile number came up on the recovery page. So he has at least two more emails than I thought and a Facebook account under another name.

I phoned him and just asked how many email accounts does he have and he said one. When pressed a bit, he said maximum two and one is a gmail account. This isn’t true - he has at least 2 outlooks and 1 Hotmail. I then asked how many Facebook accounts he has and he said 1 and sounded confused. He asked me why I’m asking and I said not to worry and hung up. He then sent a message asking, ‘what are you on about?’

I don’t know if I am BU, as when I say he’s become weird with his phone, he tells me I just want an argument and says, ‘look at my phone then, go on, go on!’ And shouts at me, so I just back down. Has always made me think maybe I’m overthinking it and he’s not done anything wrong. But finding out about the other email addresses and the Facebook under a different name has made me think perhaps I’m right to be suspicious. It’s so hard as there’s no way of finding out more info and he’s had the chance to be honest with me but hasn’t.

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 17/09/2024 20:36

Sudden attention to appearance, being weird with his phone, being defensive when you raise this, 100000% cheating or planning to.

Clementine22 · 17/09/2024 20:43

This could really be something and nothing. It’s easy to fall down a rabbit hole when you start feeling this way and read into things.

But yes some of it does sound a bit strange. I would say to him that your instinct is that something isn’t right and you’d like to understand what’s going on. But ultimately he may or may not tell you the truth and you need to decide if you want to take his explanations at face value or not.

Chillimuma · 17/09/2024 20:46

This is definitely not normal and you are not being paranoid

justasking111 · 17/09/2024 22:30

He's perhaps hoping to pull?

Bangwam1 · 17/09/2024 22:37

Trust your gut. Sorry to say, this is the reality of most marriages.

Noseybookworm · 17/09/2024 22:59

It certainly sounds like he's up to no good ☹️ I think if I were you, I'd be telling him that you want a separation. You don't need to have incontrovertible proof - if you believe he's being deceptive, that's enough.

StormingNorman · 17/09/2024 23:02

This doesn’t sit right.

HauntedbyMagpies · 18/09/2024 02:03

Personally, this would be all I'd need. I'd be gone and wouldn't even glance back.

SilverDoe · 18/09/2024 02:36

You looking at his phone right now would start another argument?

I am so sorry OP, it does sound quite bad at this point and does seem like he is up to something :(

I am so sorry you are in this position, truly.

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 18/09/2024 03:09

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about,

I don’t think anyone was thinking that. He sounds dodgy as fuck

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 18/09/2024 03:10

Have you googled the mystery email accounts or the username he has created them in?

Sadly I found an ex on shall we say dodgy sites this way as he wasn't imaginative enough to think of a different username and the location details all matched.

It doesn't look good.

notanotherusername2024 · 18/09/2024 03:35

99.9 percent probability of cheating.

See a lawyer, sort yourself financially and legally while gathering evidence and saying nothing to him. If it turns out not to be cheating you'll have done zero harm to anyone.

NYE2023 · 18/09/2024 04:04

Trust your instincts on this . My partner of 40 years started behaving weirdly - lost weight , new more fitted clothes , preening in front of mirror . Multiple weird for him behaviours . Gaslighting when challenged. He was having an affair . So many lies told .

Loloblue · 18/09/2024 05:00

Don't some dating apps use social media profiles...? Pretty sure you can connect them...

babyproblems · 18/09/2024 05:19

Can you look at his internet history?
That might reveal any more contact with other men etc. Agree it’s off and probably not good op… do you want it to continue that’s the big Q. Best of luck to you x

Zanatdy · 18/09/2024 05:34

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 20:27

He denied it all, so I showed him proof. Then he admitted to the one with a fake name and said it was from ages ago and he deleted it. Told me I’ve probably activated it again now.

He told me the other one with his same name is his cousin and he doesn’t use the other emails any more. I said why would his cousin block me (I’ve been blocked from the other account with his name) and he said he doesn’t know. I’ve never met his cousin.

I got angry and asked to look through his phone; I said ‘you’ve told me I can look through your phone before, so let me look now’ and he said no, because it will start another argument. Then said I always want to start arguments.

He’s clearly lying, the fact you’re blocked by a so called cousin says it all. He’s cheating, or hiding something. 100%

MissHemsworth · 18/09/2024 06:37

The behaviour with the phone is telling and a red flag so big it can be seen from space.

You are describing my STBXH exact behaviour to a tee before I discovered he'd been cheating.

Sheaintheavyshesmymother · 18/09/2024 06:38

FWIW i have 3 Facebook accounts, two of which I don’t use and can’t even remember passwords for. I can’t remember why I set them up, something to do with marketplace and possibly Spotify. It was a long time ago but every couple of years I accidentally log in to the wrong one and don’t recognise anything.

That said the phone stuff does sound very dodgy. Sounds like you guys need to have a proper conversation. Good luck!

Fannyfiggs · 18/09/2024 06:48

Unfortunately, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's usually a cheating bastard.

Trust your gut OP. And how dare he tell you that you always want to start arguments. If he wasn't a dodgy snake then you wouldn't need to question him. Prick!

CutiePatooties · 18/09/2024 06:54

Fannyfiggs · 18/09/2024 06:48

Unfortunately, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's usually a cheating bastard.

Trust your gut OP. And how dare he tell you that you always want to start arguments. If he wasn't a dodgy snake then you wouldn't need to question him. Prick!

Oh it gets worse with how his behaviour is after me questioning him…..

First, I’m the problem - I want to start arguments, I’m starting arguments every day, I invaded his privacy by logging into that Facebook, I’m “nutty” etc.

This morning, our 8 year old came over to cuddle him (as he was sitting with his head down looking all sad, so she was worried) and he pushed her away. Actually used his forearm to guide her out of the way of him. She looked so hurt, that I gave her a cuddle instead. I can’t possibly say anything about him treating her that way though - as otherwise it plays into his ‘you always start an argument’ gaslighting rubbish.

OP posts:
notanotherusername2024 · 18/09/2024 07:01

CutiePatooties · 18/09/2024 06:54

Oh it gets worse with how his behaviour is after me questioning him…..

First, I’m the problem - I want to start arguments, I’m starting arguments every day, I invaded his privacy by logging into that Facebook, I’m “nutty” etc.

This morning, our 8 year old came over to cuddle him (as he was sitting with his head down looking all sad, so she was worried) and he pushed her away. Actually used his forearm to guide her out of the way of him. She looked so hurt, that I gave her a cuddle instead. I can’t possibly say anything about him treating her that way though - as otherwise it plays into his ‘you always start an argument’ gaslighting rubbish.

Write everything down, with dates, times and places, including his treatment of your daughter. Contemporaneous notes may be useful for various reasons.

ClockworkDisaster · 18/09/2024 07:05

It doesn’t sound good does it? Even if he isn’t cheating and is totally innocent of it, the rest of his behaviours aren’t kind.

Suzuki70 · 18/09/2024 07:11

I think he is cheating. And I would reply that I will happily have an argument if it leads to the truth.

Him not letting you look (because he hadn't deleted the latest messages) is almost 100% nailed-on cheating. I dunno. I'd be telling him I felt I had enough evidence to separate and see what he says.

newyear2024 · 18/09/2024 07:13

I would be checking his Internet history OP if he hasn't already deleted it.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/09/2024 07:14

My ex behaved/did almost exactly the same. In a hunch I searched a username he'd used when we were first dating and his profile came up on POF or similar. Turns out he'd been cheating for a large proportion of our relationship. Sorry OP. It really doesn't look good 😢

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