I feel sick! Don’t know if I’m being paranoid though.

[CutiePatooties]

My husband has been acting a bit ‘off’ for about a year I’d say. It started with him hardly ever wanting sex, but I partly put it down to age (he was 52 at this point) and the fact I’ve let myself go majorly (I wouldn’t want to do it with me if I was him). He then bought new clothes and has regular hair cuts - I mean, he didn’t even bother getting his hair cut for our wedding! So this felt strange.

He then started acting funny with his phone. I noticed he never left it lying around like before and where he used to sit in the living room (where you could see his phone screen as it’s all open plan) he then changed where he sat and sits with his back to the wall so you can’t see what’s on his screen without getting up and going over to him. (In which case, he’ll put it away). He never sits next to me on his phone, it’s always with his back to me, or like yesterday, he was at the bottom of the stairs on his phone, I came out, he quickly walked up stairs putting his phone in his pocket.

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about, it was enough for me to go searching for things. I don’t know his passwords to anything, so I thought I’d start with Facebook and try guessing his password. I put his phone number in and it came up with a different guy’s name, but linked to his mobile number and an email which although most was asterisks, started with his initial and not this guy’s initial. (I hope I’m making sense). I then tried getting into that email and clicked on ‘forgotten password’ and another email address and his mobile number came up on the recovery page. So he has at least two more emails than I thought and a Facebook account under another name.

I phoned him and just asked how many email accounts does he have and he said one. When pressed a bit, he said maximum two and one is a gmail account. This isn’t true - he has at least 2 outlooks and 1 Hotmail. I then asked how many Facebook accounts he has and he said 1 and sounded confused. He asked me why I’m asking and I said not to worry and hung up. He then sent a message asking, ‘what are you on about?’

I don’t know if I am BU, as when I say he’s become weird with his phone, he tells me I just want an argument and says, ‘look at my phone then, go on, go on!’ And shouts at me, so I just back down. Has always made me think maybe I’m overthinking it and he’s not done anything wrong. But finding out about the other email addresses and the Facebook under a different name has made me think perhaps I’m right to be suspicious. It’s so hard as there’s no way of finding out more info and he’s had the chance to be honest with me but hasn’t.

Your PIP is provided to YOU, for you to pay either for help with daily care and tasks, and/or accessing the community. He is stealing it from you, to pay for expensive clothes (under the pretence of “debts”)?? Get out ASAP. Get help from women’s organisations that can help you. Speak to your GP and let them know your situation as they may be able to recommend support for you. Do not believe another word that comes out of your partner’s mouth.

If this was a bloke trying to hack into their wife’s accounts you’d all be screaming that he was abusive and controlling, and you’d be right.

The double standards are insane. I despise people looking at my phone while I’m using it as I have several email addresses as I shop online a lot so want to use them for different things. If my partner tried to hack me it’d be the last conversation we ever had.

YABU… ask him instead of creeping around his accounts, wow.

Give him no more money.

Get the car keys.

Phone the council re accommodation today

Your children really don't need this man in their lives

You haven't read the thread have you..

You don’t need anyone on here to tell you that your marriage is broken either way. Putting the probability of an affair aside (because yes, he almost definitely is having one), he is financially and emotionally abusing you. You’re already vulnerable by the sound of things as a woman with disabilities, he’s then using your car so you can’t really go anywhere during the day and he’s taking the money that is there FOR YOU to spend on clothes and haircuts for himself.

It goes without saying that you need to divorce him.

I have since read the thread and understand the accompanying arseholery from the husband. A weird manipulating shady character.

Objectively having more than one email address and expecting to keep his phone private isn’t a crime but add to it this context then yeah I’d run, but mainly for the rest of the behaviour rather than this in itself.

You and your children deserve way, way better than that.

keep reminding yourself of that whenever he opens his mouth and get away - do what you can to speed it up.

well done on not being phased by his dramatic tears and telling yourself enough is enough.

This with bells on op!
Get this piece of shit out of your home! He can go to his mother's today.

Whether he's cheating or not, he is a disgrace. He is no role model for your girls, and you need to show them what a strong woman you are by not accepting this behaviour. You wouldn't want your daughters to accept it from their future partners would you? How dare he take your money!
Your future will be so much brighter without him in it. Be strong, you can do this 💪

I am sorry you are in this predicament, Cutie.

He is acting suspiciously and you may be right in suspecting he is seeing someone else, or trying to. However you don't have proof.

I think your housing situation is a more pressing problem at the moment. You need a secure home for your child, and yourself, never mind him. From your first post there was no hint about this and I was really surprised to read it, I imagined you had your own home. Keep pushing at the council and housing associations, please. This is the most important issue right now.

Perhaps if you had secure housing you would relax and take more care of yourself.

Good luck.

This with bells on. OP, he's likely cheating on you but frankly, that's the last of your problems after reading your updates.

He's an arsehole. He's financially abusing you, gaslighting you and a poor excuse as a father. He doesn't care for anyone except himself.

I'm glad you have a way out. Stop listening to him, stop looking for more proof of cheating, stop giving him even good morning. You need to get out as soon as you can.

Sorry OP, but he is absolutely full of shit and he’s doing a terrible attempt at gaslighting you. Don’t fall for it, do not doubt yourself. He’s a terrible liar, he’s backed himself into a corner, his changing stories contradict each other, and his reactions are very telling. If you’re not already aware of DARVO I’d suggest looking that up too.

If his original story about the cousin had been true, or if he was better at lying, surely he would have suggested that his cousin might have two accounts. That could have (partially) explained the mystery account, and could (tenuously) explain why he added him as a friend.
But no, he’s suddenly decided this is a totally new, separate person who’s nothing to do with him. A totally random person, who is also his only friend on his incognito account, who has also decided to block you for some reason.

If this absolute nonsense he’s spouting was true (it’s not), his reactions would be very different. Rather than being upset at you for “starting arguments”, wouldn’t you expect him to be worried about why some random person has an account with his name, how they knew that his fake account was him, and how they know who you are/why they’ve blocked you? He is making no sense, because he’s lying and he’s bad at it.

His latest bullshit is just the tip of the iceberg though. From what you’ve described you’re experiencing financial abuse, emotional abuse, and what sounds like coercive control.

He’s trying to keep you under his control, preventing you from leaving him with threats of how you’ll be unable to go out, how he won’t pay maintenance, saying you won’t be able to drive or manage without him. Talking about breaking up the home and the kids “needing mum and dad in one unit” is emotional manipulation, and it’s also absolutely not true.

Your kids would be better without him, you would be better off without him. You will have a stable home, use of your own car, full use of your PIP and control of your own finances. You are capable, and you are worth so much more than this pathetic man wants you to believe.

💐

I’ve messaged my housing officer and she’s away until next Monday, so I’ll have to wait until then to push her (I have been pushing by the way).

I told him in no uncertain terms, that we will be going one way and he needs to go another. That I will live with the girls and will not be adding him to the new tenancy when that time comes. I said he can see the girls at weekends, as after school would not be convenient, but we will sort it all out at that time. I asked him to please try and live in harmony for the time being, for the sake of the kids.

He then became visibly angry - gritting his teeth, telling me I’m absolutely insane. He said he does everything for his family and spends all he has on us (not true). He then said, “oh Summer* why did your mum and dad split? Oh yeah, because mum found dad’s other Facebook.” He told me I’m destroying his life and to not come back begging for him to be with me later, as he will not return. He then said I’m ripping the family apart and I’ll have to answer to my children one day, as he will and he will tell them the truth (presumably that I split with him because of this Facebook issue).

*changed name off DD for obvious reasons.

I told him he needs to stop. That he’s trying to manipulate me into staying with him, like he always does and I can not take another minute of it. I then (and I’m quite embarrassed to admit this) said I will phone the police and have him put out of this house for abusive behaviour. He looked at me confused and said he’s not abusing me at all, then I said he’s trying to manipulate me into staying with him. He’s being controlling and coercive and regardless of that, he’s arguing and shouting in front of our toddler. I said if he doesn’t think I’ll phone the police then carry on and see what happens (tbh I wouldn’t call them, as I wouldn’t want to waste their time, but I did just need him to stop). He eventually said, “we’ll try and get along while we’re under one roof,” and has since remained silent so it worked.

Well done op. He's an arsehole!
He may try love bombing you soon, when he realises that his usual tactics aren't working to win you round. Stand your ground and stay strong. You can do this! Phone womens aid for advice and support if you feel like it's getting too much to handle on your own. They may even be able to help with your housing situation.

You are amazing OP

Someone hasn't been reading things properly LOL

Reading your updates OP, I honestly think whether he is cheating or not, you need rid of him. He takes all your money and pays for nothing??? ASSHOLE. I wouldn't bother looking for anything further. You have put yourself and your children on the right path by applying for housing without him. Grey rock the rancid shit from now until housing becomes available for you.

Good riddance to that shite of a man OP, WELL DONE. 🎉

There might be something going on based on his behaviour but equally there may not.

But these multiple accounts and emails aren't evidence of anything. There's loads of reasons why a person might have old abandoned email accounts that they may not even remember. And even if he does have secret email accounts, he could just be using them to lurk on social media. People do.

It doesn't have to mean he's actually got a secret gay sex life.

I've now read all your posts OP. Maybe he's a shit husband and father and you're better off without him but, unless I'm missing something, you don't actually have any proof of anything in terms of an affair, right? It's just a feeling. He seems a bit 'off'.

There's loads of embarrassing online behaviour that a person might need a fake account to do. They might be ashamed of these things and not want to admit to them, but they don't necessarily add up to cheating.

He sounds a nightmare in other ways, tbh, but your behaviour is toxic too. The demands and ultimatums that he answer you suspicions are abusive and no one should have to put up with that from a partner.

@CutiePatooties he’s a c*cklodger and stealing from anyone let alone a vulnerable disabled person is disgusting. This is your chance. Of course he’s trying to sweet talk you and of course he is panicking. You took a big step telling the council - contact them/Women’s Aid for support in dealing with this. We’re all on your side here! Please leave him (edited as missed off last sentence).

Great update, OP 💪🏼

Why would he block me on this secret profile and tell me at first it was his cousin, then someone he doesn’t even know? Why would he lie about not knowing who it is, when he’s the one who added that account? Is this because he’s doing something he’s embarrassed about online - is this what you’re saying it could be? And in answer to your question, no, I do not have any proof of cheating.

I think from what you’ve said, I’m going to have to admit to BU, being toxic and being abusive. As I honestly can’t say I’d change the way I’ve acted with regards to this. He’s behaved a certain way for 8 years and has changed his behaviour noticeably in the 9th year of being with him. That was always going to lead me to become suspicious and I don’t know how else I could find out if my suspicions were correct, as he’s so secretive with his phone and if you ask a cheat, ‘have you cheated?’ They’re not going to tell you they have, are they?

Maybe I am the problem, in which case he should be glad I’m leaving instead of reminding me 3 times today that I’ll be on my own, that I’m going to end up on my own in life and how lonely and miserable that will be.

Good grief.

You're not the problem.

💪

I once worked for a man whose best friend was a private detective, he often used to visit my boss at work, his specialism was what he called 'maritals' or basically following the husband/wife/partner of a client if the client suspected them of being unfaithful, he told me that in the case of a female client wanting someone tracing they were generally 90% right whereas men tended to suspect but often got it wrong, he put this down to 'female intuition' which in his opinion was infallible, he also told me that as we are all 'creatures of habit' when someone changes certain aspects of their behaviour it's usually a clear sign they're up to something.