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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I feel sick! Don’t know if I’m being paranoid though.

130 replies

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 14:56

My husband has been acting a bit ‘off’ for about a year I’d say. It started with him hardly ever wanting sex, but I partly put it down to age (he was 52 at this point) and the fact I’ve let myself go majorly (I wouldn’t want to do it with me if I was him). He then bought new clothes and has regular hair cuts - I mean, he didn’t even bother getting his hair cut for our wedding! So this felt strange.

He then started acting funny with his phone. I noticed he never left it lying around like before and where he used to sit in the living room (where you could see his phone screen as it’s all open plan) he then changed where he sat and sits with his back to the wall so you can’t see what’s on his screen without getting up and going over to him. (In which case, he’ll put it away). He never sits next to me on his phone, it’s always with his back to me, or like yesterday, he was at the bottom of the stairs on his phone, I came out, he quickly walked up stairs putting his phone in his pocket.

Now while some of you may think this isn’t anything to worry about, it was enough for me to go searching for things. I don’t know his passwords to anything, so I thought I’d start with Facebook and try guessing his password. I put his phone number in and it came up with a different guy’s name, but linked to his mobile number and an email which although most was asterisks, started with his initial and not this guy’s initial. (I hope I’m making sense). I then tried getting into that email and clicked on ‘forgotten password’ and another email address and his mobile number came up on the recovery page. So he has at least two more emails than I thought and a Facebook account under another name.

I phoned him and just asked how many email accounts does he have and he said one. When pressed a bit, he said maximum two and one is a gmail account. This isn’t true - he has at least 2 outlooks and 1 Hotmail. I then asked how many Facebook accounts he has and he said 1 and sounded confused. He asked me why I’m asking and I said not to worry and hung up. He then sent a message asking, ‘what are you on about?’

I don’t know if I am BU, as when I say he’s become weird with his phone, he tells me I just want an argument and says, ‘look at my phone then, go on, go on!’ And shouts at me, so I just back down. Has always made me think maybe I’m overthinking it and he’s not done anything wrong. But finding out about the other email addresses and the Facebook under a different name has made me think perhaps I’m right to be suspicious. It’s so hard as there’s no way of finding out more info and he’s had the chance to be honest with me but hasn’t.

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 18/09/2024 09:21

Oh god, boot him out. He’s giving me the major Ick, and I’ve never even met him.

Surprise50 · 18/09/2024 09:26

Oh OP I’m really sorry, but you know he’s cheating 🤷‍♀️

TillyKister · 18/09/2024 09:35

OP your gut instinct is telling you that something is wrong... And there is something wrong. All the extra emails, phone numbers and Facebook accounts add up to a need to be suspicious.

Don't let yourself slip into thinking that you're being paranoid or overthinking things.

The bottom line is, we trust people, until they give us cause not to trust them.
All of his behaviour traits and the moment strongly point to the fact that he's cheating. There would be no need for secrecy if he wasn't.

Listen, and go with your gut feeling... It's never wrong.

Ohnobackagain · 18/09/2024 09:35

@CutiePatooties set up your own fake profiles and send him a friend request maybe?

Imfreetofeelgood · 18/09/2024 09:37

He goes to work - even if he never went out otherwise, that's an opportunity in it's self. Before, during or after.

offyoujollywelltrot · 18/09/2024 09:37

Ohnobackagain · 18/09/2024 09:35

@CutiePatooties set up your own fake profiles and send him a friend request maybe?

He would see that coming a mile off if she did that now.

CutiePatooties · 18/09/2024 09:45

offyoujollywelltrot · 18/09/2024 09:10

He's only crying because he's been caught.

He’s crying because he’s panicking. We’re going through another shitty situation at the moment (we were sent a date to leave the property we rent and we’ve stayed past this date as per advice from the council) we do not have anywhere to go, despite almost signing a tenancy agreement with his friend who then backed out last minute as he didn’t want the council involved.

I am on the housing list at the moment, as just me and our children, as I informed the council of my concerns and there’s other things about him - I’m disabled and he keeps arguing to take my PIP, he makes me pay for everything for the children and has never bought them anything. He makes me send him £500 a month and then still pay for groceries, other bills, etc. I have no money for anything and yet he buys himself new clothes, gets regular haircuts, etc. He uses my car now his car got scrapped and we live in a rural area at the moment, so I can never get out to see anyone or go anywhere on my days off. I said all of this to the council when I first registered, so she said she’ll put me and my kids on the registration and I can always add him later if I want to. He knows he isn’t on the council housing register, which is why he’s tried to badger me into living in his friend’s house without a tenancy agreement (his friend wouldn’t sign the council form to get the deposit from them, so he said if we don’t give him a deposit, he won’t give us a tenancy agreement). My husband kept telling me to go into his friend’s home without an agreement, as otherwise I’ll be forcing my children to live on a rough council estate and they’ll hang around with the wrong crowds, temporary/emergency housing will be terrible, the girls will have to share a bedroom, etc. I almost went along with it, but advice on here told me it wouldn’t be safe or secure and to not go down that route without a tenancy agreement.

So he knows at this current moment in time, I have a way out. My girls and I are registered for council housing, so despite this being absolute hell to be living through, in the end we’ll have a stable home. He has no money (or so he tells me) no savings that I know of and will have to live with his mother at the age of 53 (unless whoever he is seeing, will put him up). He won’t have the money I give him, he wont have someone buying him food, letting him use their car (he’ll have to buy his own), he’ll have to pay me maintenance. I pay for us to go on little UK breaks, nice things on special occasions and I’m paying monthly for us to go abroad next year (all things he wouldn’t do, as he says he pays £500 of a month to pay towards his debts).

Even then, he’s kept me where I am whenever I have wanted to leave - by telling me I’ll be breaking up the home, the kids need a mum and dad and to live in one unit, if I leave he won’t be having the kids at the weekend so I can go out, his mate told him how to get out of paying maintenance so he’ll come out of work and I wont be able to get a penny out of him. I also am very nervous about driving, so he asks me how I will get our child to school/me to work without being able to drive there. There are lots of things that’s stopped me leaving, but I can’t take any more. How can he get all of this, have a great life, keep most of his money but take all of mine, take my car, stop me from being able to get out of the house AND potentially have an affair or be at least messaging other men or women in that way.

I just can’t let him take any more from me. I need to get out.

OP posts:
Babybirdmum · 18/09/2024 09:47

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 15:56

This profile with the fake name, he’s sent a friend request to another profile in his real name.

so he has his Facebook profile (I’m friends with him on there) this profile with a fake name and a third profile in his real name. Who needs 3 Facebook profiles? (2 of which are secret and 1 of which is in a completely different name).

this can’t be normal can it?

Dating apps link to social media like tinder

Compash · 18/09/2024 09:50

He is abusing you - financially abusing, isolating you, gaslighting you, threatening you... For yourself and your kids, take your chance and get out now!

And I understand about the nervousness about driving, but I promise, the more you do it, the easier it will get. You can take back your independence! 🤗

offyoujollywelltrot · 18/09/2024 09:55

He sounds like a waste of space, and you're definitely better off without him. He can sort himself out with whomever he's trying to shag.

Surprise50 · 18/09/2024 09:57

Leave the manipulative abusive shit as soon as you can.
💐

RareLemur · 18/09/2024 09:59

Regardless of what he is up to with these profiles and on his phone. Your last update alone has enough red flags for you to leave.
He is trying to chip away at your self esteem and bring you down by the constant headfuckery. He can't be that concerned about the welfare of his children if in the next breath he is telling you he is planning to avoid supporting them financially or spending time with them at weekends.
I think you will find things will be a lot easier and you will feel much better about yourself when he is removed from the equation.

PrettyPickle · 18/09/2024 10:11

I'm really sorry but it does sound to me as if you are in an abusive, controlling relationship and you are right to be suspicious.

He needs to understand that his behaviour is not normal and his explanations just make it worse. and you are right, he may let you look at his phone now because he has had 24hrs to remove anything incriminating!

JoyousPinkPeer · 18/09/2024 10:13

I'd ask him for access to his online teleohobe account to see who he's been calling etc. If i was still suspicious abd ask for his phone and I'd get it forensically examined.

Victoriawould24 · 18/09/2024 10:17

Aside from all the suspicious stuff do you love or even like him because it sounds like you despise him.
Don't really understand why you are with him the FB stuff seems irrelevant.

Cheeseandcrackers40 · 18/09/2024 10:18

Oh my god he sounds awful OP. You deserve so much better, it doesn't even matter if he is cheating , he is already manipulating and financially abusing you. I don't usually jump to LTB. But my god LTB. Sorry you've been treated this way.

notanotherusername2024 · 18/09/2024 10:21

CutiePatooties · 17/09/2024 15:56

This profile with the fake name, he’s sent a friend request to another profile in his real name.

so he has his Facebook profile (I’m friends with him on there) this profile with a fake name and a third profile in his real name. Who needs 3 Facebook profiles? (2 of which are secret and 1 of which is in a completely different name).

this can’t be normal can it?

The secret name one is very weird. When I used FB I did end up with two accounts because I couldn't get logged back into one and ended up using another one, but they had similar friends on them and nothing posted on the first one after I opened the second one.

But a third under another name is very odd indeed.

EffortlesslyInelegant · 18/09/2024 10:22

JoyousPinkPeer · 18/09/2024 10:13

I'd ask him for access to his online teleohobe account to see who he's been calling etc. If i was still suspicious abd ask for his phone and I'd get it forensically examined.

Great idea! Where would you get this done exactly?

StuckOnTheCeiling · 18/09/2024 10:27

Yes, you do need to get out.

Honestly, I’d put all this stuff about the phone and Facebook etc aside. What’s going on is irrelevant, you need to leave him and build a new life for you and your girls, with or without him.

AnonymousBleep · 18/09/2024 10:28

Oh, OP. Well you know what you've got to do. He is using and manipulating you, and bleeding you dry. Whether he's having an affair or not (and it sounds like he set up the profiles for online dating to me), he's not contributing anything and it certainly doesn't sound like he's a good enough dad to be worth keeping the family together for that reason. You are strong and are already on the road to getting rid of him and sorting yourself out. You will be so much better off in a few months time. Stay strong and good luck.

notanotherusername2024 · 18/09/2024 10:30

I've just read your last update. Yeah, just get away from him. Whether he's cheating or not, you have to go.

Demonhunter · 18/09/2024 10:36

My initial thought was maybe an account for something like Facebook games. I opened a separate one so my son could play games as I didn't want him to accidentally send invites and stuff to friends, but it's a random email address with pet names and everyone has access to it if they want (email sometimes used for offers and coupons if we think it might result in being spammed) and neither the email or the FB game account are a secret.

However, the secrecy, the denial, the crying, the odd behaviour, the phone stuff, it's just really, really shady. Does he play golf? Does he play video games? Could it have meant golf on the PC not pe?

Unless he comes clean about everything I don't think you'll know. Either you take the approach that the trust is not there and make your plans to leave, or you lull him into a false sense of security about wanting to work on it and not be angry with the truth but in order to move on from it you need the whole truth and see if he will admit things.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 18/09/2024 10:37

You need to get away from him but you know that. Your DDs will be better off for it.

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid? They will assign you somebody who can provide some advice and emotional support. I met mine in Costa for a chat weekly whilst I was planning to leave my abusive ex and this really gave some much needed strength.

You deserve a good life! You can do this 💪

BB78910 · 18/09/2024 10:46

Tdcp · 18/09/2024 09:20

FYI, even if he doesn't have time for an in person affair, there's loads of time to talk to other women / men online, even when you're together in the same room (speaking from experience)

This ^

skyeisthelimit · 18/09/2024 10:55

The phone behaviour is classic of somebody hiding something. My XH changed completely and wouldn't let me anywhere near his phone, once he started exchanging messages with OW.

However, that is the least of your problems. Stop giving him money, don't give him the car keys. He is just using you and you need to get him out of your life.

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