Am at a loss to how to deal with 13 yo stealing

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My dd2 is 13 and I have no clue how to deal with her. I have tried everything, reminding her, telling her off, explaining to her why its not right, all to no effect. Grounding is nothing because she rarely goes out with friends, and its impossible to remove her phone.

She is really rude, like insulting and hurling personal attacks at her 16yo sister and me. Every night when we have dinner I get called a useless cook and she criticises everything I cook and refuses to finish her food.

The thing that bothers us most is she has the habit of stealing from her sister and I. She uses dd1's perfume without permission and she messes with her stuff. I strongly suspect she has stolen my money before and she definitely steals my skin care and make up from my wardrobe. I have no clue how to deal with her

Why is it impossible to take her phone?

To be honest she sounds very unhappy can you look into counselling for her.

do you mind explaining more to me? She has everything and hasn't expressed anything like that

You need to hit her where it hurts. She uses your stuff then she has to buy it for you to replace it. Take her phone off her.

She would scream, punch the walls, and would cause destruction to my property and it would end in physical fight

I have tried asking her to but she just refuses to and I can't exactly make her

Gosh she has serious phone addiction. I second the counselling

How did it begin? Has she always been an oppositional child, or is this a recent change?

She has always been kind of unruly, but it was never this bad until she was 11

Some of this is typical teenage behaviour- rudeness especially towards parents and older siblings.

The using of others perfume and skin care, I would not class as stealing myself. I’d be thinking why is she doing this? Does she not have her own toiletries? Perhaps she is experimenting with what you and older DD have because she is trying out what it is like to be a woman and wear perfume, or have a skin care routine. Have you given her any sort of guidance on this? She is growing up.

Stealing money is stealing, but again why is she doing this? Does she have pocket money? If not, she probably should be getting some. If she does, is it enough. If it’s plenty of pocket money, then I’d be concerned she is stealing the money to buy things she shouldn’t have or perhaps to buy things she is too embarrassed to ask for or to pay off a bully. I would be asking her what is going on? Are you doing ok?

I think when teenagers start misbehaving a lot, there is usually a cause to it behind usual teen hormones. Sometimes there is bullying by other students or even staff. Sometimes there are fears and confusion over approaching adulthood. It is usually a good idea to approach things from a place of concern than the telling off and punishment route- especially since you’ve said this is persistent despite you telling her off. You need to dig deeper and get her to open up to you.

My DH is completely opposed to counselling as she thinks we don't need it and thinks it a waste of time

Call the police when this happens.

Where is her father?

Don’t do this. Please.
This will destroy your relationship with her.

Parenting a teenager is a fine balance of a good relationship , non judgement , fairness on both sides and also picking your battles . The way you speak it sounds like this has been building for a while , ‘hitting her where it hurts’ etc will not work long term as it will build resentment on both sides.
You need to repair your relationship with her , spend time together , encourage open dialogue , ensure she feels respected and listened to. By doing these things you will garner a mutual trust and from there build on the issues that concern you . You’re starting from rock bottom and it will
require time and patience and a lot of give on your part to begin with.

dd2 has her own toiletries and dd1 doesn't have anything she doesn't. I would even say that dd2 is more mature than dd1 and she owns more variety of perfume than dd1 does, but still uses dd1's when she has the exact same kind. She has pocket money and she has some money in a bank account as well, she took my money to get crystals she can afford herself.

I think you need to address the disrespect first. If she is rude etc you do not engage at all. You have to stay calm. Let her know she has crossed a boundary and then ignore. Although this is hard. I agree with others that her phone should be taken. If you pay for it then you might have to ride the storm. Remember she is still a child and coming into teenage emotions and that makes them not very easily able to regulate emotions. You have to hold the line. Find space to talk to her if you can, in the car etc. remember it feels personal but you cannot react that way, you have to stay calm.

She has a phone addiction

This is your primary problem. If you can't take her phone turn off the WiFi for extended periods while pretending there's something wrong with the internet

But you need to get that phone off her, is she on it all night because you've allowed this ?

Stealing is a symptom of whatever is going on. I think you have more serious support needs. Assessment and counselling pronto.

Are you utterly mad? You don’t call the police on a 13yo child. You contact the GP and get a referral to mental health.

Father doesn't live with us all the time due to work trips. I don't want to escalate to calling the police when it can be avoided

This is extreme behaviour (not the taking toiletries - does she have her own nice perfume?) but the reaction. Take her phone off her. The problem is if you’ve never done it before it is going to be a very strong reaction. But you’ve got to stand your ground. I think I family counselling for you and dh to learn how to parent her would be a start (and if dh thinks she doesn’t need counselling).

what is your DH’s suggestion for how to manage this if he thinks counselling is not the answer?

and yes you can call the police - a friend did it when her 13 yo became violent and it was the best thing she could have done.

No I'm not. You can absolutely call the police on a violent child. Try reading the link.

"Calling the police - You may feel reluctant to call in the police as you may not want your child to get into serious trouble or for other reasons. The police have been working with many families on adolescent to parent violence and abuse and understand the impact. If you are in fear for your safety or you are feeling threatened it is ok to call the police to help diffuse the situation and for you to feel safe."

Yeah, so then there is something deeper going on with her. I am more convinced she needs assessment and counselling, you can try and ask her what is going on, is she ok, is there a reason why she does this and if she trusts that you want to help her rather than hurt/punish her, she may open up to you.

She has her own nice perfume and there is no perfume 16 yo owns she doesn't

Right so your husband is being useless. If he doesn't believe in counselling and he's not around, he's not going to be helpful.

Something has to change. She needs help from a doctor and some diagnostic therapy. You have to take her phone away, whether you like it or not. If she gets violent, you call the police. You've got to do the things you're afraid of doing to fight for your child's wellbeing.