Am at a loss to how to deal with 13 yo stealing

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My dd2 is 13 and I have no clue how to deal with her. I have tried everything, reminding her, telling her off, explaining to her why its not right, all to no effect. Grounding is nothing because she rarely goes out with friends, and its impossible to remove her phone.

She is really rude, like insulting and hurling personal attacks at her 16yo sister and me. Every night when we have dinner I get called a useless cook and she criticises everything I cook and refuses to finish her food.

The thing that bothers us most is she has the habit of stealing from her sister and I. She uses dd1's perfume without permission and she messes with her stuff. I strongly suspect she has stolen my money before and she definitely steals my skin care and make up from my wardrobe. I have no clue how to deal with her

yes you can! Are you her mother or not? Are you in charge or not? You need to toughen up and do some hard parenting. It will be long and hard but you need to be clear who’s in charge - you. You sound like a victim in your post. Parent with love. Show love and understanding for her but do not tolerate that behaviour. She wants to scream the house down. Let her. She’ll stop when she realises you won’t budge.

she needs you. She needs your love, care and support. She’s obviously going through something maybe at school. But she also needs you to set boundaries. Carry on as you are and she’ll take this behaviour into adulthood. She’s relying on you to steer her the right path and be her moral compass so she grows up to be a well-behaved adult with a good job and happy relationships.

shes hurting but she needs you to be the grown up, not overwhelmed and weak.

OP you definitely need a lock on your older childs bedroom, and obviously both you and older child would have keys, so there's absolutely zero issues about you being able to access the room whenever you want. It's only your younger DD that won't have free access to her sisters room.

Both DD's need to feel 'listened to' AND 'valued', and allowing one DD to freely take things that don't belong to them is 100% disrespectful and unacceptable.
How would YOU feel if your boss 'allowed' (by not stopping) another colleague to take YOUR possessions from your locker, with zero consequences simply because they would 'make a scene' if confronted? You'd feel that they were 'favouring' the colleague and disrespecting YOU, wouldn't you? Well that's exactly how your 16yr old feels !

So this crap about not being 'able' to take her phone away? YOU are the adult who pays for it, gives her 'pocket money', buys her nice clothes/perfumes/gadgets etc! It's completely under YOUR control ffs, NOT hers ! And if she does 'break stuff'? Then you use her own money to replace/fix what she destroyed ! But YOU have to stand up to her ffs and SHOW her that she's NOT the damn 'boss' of the whole family ! (If you don't, she'll simply accept that all she needs to do is to scream, shout and smash stuff to get her own way !

You also need to allocate time for BOTH DD's on a one to one basis, as well as 'family' time all together too.

She is obviously struggling with the changes puberty brings, and needs to feel valued as an individual AND as a member of a 'family' to help her find her 'place' as an individual.

But NOT at the expense of either you or your 16yr old.

Nothing happened at age 11, it was like a gradual transition though

Did she get a phone at 11? That's when all this got worse?

Your DH being opposed to counselling is likely indicative of his general personality & attitude. Is he an aggressive person?

The combination of the above is likely why she's so unhappy. Put her first.

Who's more important - your 13 year old or your husband?

Your child is desperately unhappy - it's crystal clear from her actions. Please don't let her down by picking her dad over her.

I have tried to stop dd2, but hell I can't even stop her from stealing from me. How am I supposed to effectively stop her? I have tried telling her off before but it had no positive impact on her behavior and the screaming was all for nothing

How long has she had a smart phone?

You've said finance is an issue for not getting a lock on DD1s door, that's just an excuse. If your DD2 is stealing money and has pocket money to afford crystals, you can afford a lock for DD1. Get a bolt and padlock if you can't get a proper lock.

Sounds like you have a DH problem too, how does he treat DD2? How long has he been working away for long periods?

dh is not aggressive at all, but he tends to not care about things

She has had a phone since she turned 12. The crystals aren't proper crystals, they are pretty cheap and they are like fake. DH treats dd2 pretty fine but he is almost always away, but they aren't close either

A lock on a bedroom door won't work, my brother smashed the lock on my bedroom door when I was a teen. He smashed my room up too for doing it. I had to install the lock myself because my mother wouldn't listen, he ripped it off the door.

If she's already getting violent, you need to show her that violence has consequences.

2 years later

Child going through puberty with an absent father, phone addiction, being screamed at by a mum under financial pressure isn't going to fix herself.

Your husband is hardly there so he can't control getting help for your child. You need to get a GP referral for mental health, she's not going to tell you why she acts like she does at this point.

You would benefit from a part time job too for your mental health and to not be dependent on a man you don't want to make angry about money.

To some kids increased discipline will enforce them doing the bad behaviour more because bad behaviour = rush of dopamine from the attention they get. It's a cycle. Even when there is positive attention.

Approach discipline as something you teach.

Are there any other siblings on the scene?

No, just the 2 dds

Get her a large lockable box or a door with a code lock that only she and you have the code to.

My first question would be, how is she at school? If she is well (or even better) behaved there, then boundaries work for her.

IMO teens want and need boundaries and enforcement. It shows the that you care. The concept of any punishment meaning you ‘lose’ them is diametrically opposed to all research.

I second taking the phone and making her earn it back by good behaviour. You don’t even need to physically take it, just put it on an app like ‘Apple Family’ and turn it using that. I think phones are pretty intense anyway and a rest would probably do her good.

As to the stealing (and it is stealing), I think you should allow your DD1 to lock her door. You can have a key when you need access. She deserves to have security of her possessions. And lock your own door as well.

The loss of phone and the inability to enter rooms that aren’t hers should make her realise that she can’t be behave how she likes without consequences. Talk to her about what she needs to do to win back trust. And find other things to reward good behaviour with. Look for things to praise her for.

I would talk with her about therapy, but there is no point unless she actually wants to engage.

I wouldn't see using my make up etc as stealing ,my DC definitely did this
Shr does seem unhappy and counselling might help

Age 11 is a big transitional time for adolescents as they go from primary school to high school. Have you spoken to her school to see if she can access support there? Some have their own counsellors or can sign post you to local support services. CAMHS tend to have long waiting lists and can be picky with who they support
Just remember, behaviour is communication and she seems to be communicating that she's not happy.
As a side note. Its quite concerning that your reluctance to getting dd support is influenced by your husband withholding money. Is he controlling in other ways?

Quite aside from the issues with your daughter, it sounds as though you are being financially abused and controlled. Would he withhold money from you if you wanted to go to counselling?

This response right here, I can't make her, is why she is walking all over you. She's your child so yes you can make her, that's how you parent. If she escalated aggression you need to ask for help outside the home as that's not normal behaviour

All behaviour is communication. Your DD sounds unhappy

Attention seeking behaviour is a sign of a child craving attention. You could respond with loving concern, but you do need to implement boundaries. This isn't the soft option

Arbitrary punishments like removing her phone won't solve anything. Focus on actions and consequences eg tell her the night before what you're cooking for dinner. If she doesn't want it, she cooks for herself

Do your local authority offer parenting courses eg Triple P, Teens Plus? This might help you

And, if yiu can afford perfume and skin care products, you can afford bedroom locks. Don't make excuses to continue the status quo

Op, the way you describe your dh is quite cold and aloof. It also sounds like he holds the purse strings, in addition to spending a lot of time away from home? Could there be some challenging family dynamics going on that may be affecting your dd's behaviour?

If my 13yo ds stole from me, I'd explain that if he needs something he should speak to me about it and we'll work something out. And if he continued to do it, I'd reduce his allowance to pay me back. Stealing (or "borrowing") makeup and perfume though is fairly standard teenage behaviour.

Your dd sounds quite explosive though, and it sounds like there could be more going on here than standard teen behaviour. Does she ever show any remorse for what she's done? What does she say in response? How do you deal with the situations when they arise?

What has he suggested you do? Your child needs support as her behaviour is a cry for help

She never shows any remorse for her stealing and insulting, and she just says "I don't care in response.