Could this be passive aggressive fat shaming?

[Blueberryancakes]

Im a UK 20 and I feel the heat. I’m always a bit warm. My work gets very hot. Big windows and no ventilation.

I rarely put the air con on because as soon as I do some of the woman I work with complain it’s too cold. I bring a desk fan to
work with me and keep it aimed at me and no one else.
I work at a doctors surgery. Lots of the patients make comments about how hot it is in the waiting room. Some even wait outside.Very often woman patients always make a comment on my fan saying how they could never work with a fan as they’d be freezing. If the air con is turned on some woman will comment how cold it is.
I think FFS it’s not you that has to sit in here all day. Men never complain, never comment. It’s mainly middle aged
woman. Yes I’m fat, yes I get hot. I try my best to have a small discreet fan on my desk. But woman seem to make such a song and dance about it.
My husband said today he thinks it’s a passive aggressive way for them to call me fat.
Anyone else think there’s any truth in this?
Is it a way to come across ultra feminine to be cold?
Sorry if this come across bonkers?

What sort of people do you surround yourself with to come across this so much that you’re so annoyed and angered by it? I had one friend like that, I cut her off. Easy. No need to stereotype every single woman (or man!) who just doesn’t want a massive slice of cake.

It's not me per se who notices a lot of competitive undereating, but it's so common that it's become a trope on MN.

CherryValley5

Must be exhausting going through life with so much bitter energy, thinking that the entire world is performing just to annoy you.

I sometimes think it's more self-loathing. Some fat people hate being fat so much they assume everyone else (especially those slimmer than they are) must hate them for being fat too.
Whereas the vast (no pun intended) majority of people don't notice and don't assume that every bit of someone's behaviour is linked to their weight.
Because the vast majority of people aren't thinking about their weight all the time.
Sadly, it seems some fat people are and will watch for and notice any bit of behaviour that confirms their opinion that everyone else is as obsessed by their weight as they are.

I've seen a lot of things on MN that I've never seen in real life. I've never ever witnessed anyone eat a sliver of cake for show.

I'm sure there's the odd weirdo out there but I really don't think it's a 'thing'.

I’m quite thin and I’d be the one demanding a massive slice of cake.
Am I the exception that proves your rule, @TheGreatIndoors ?
I also don’t like heat, so I’m a complete anomaly.
You wouldn’t know what to make of me

I have quite honestly not recall ever having seen a woman do this. I suppose it’s possible that it has happened and it has never really registered with me because I assume when she says she can’t eat a big slice of cake, it’s because ahe can’t.

I probably couldn’t eat a large slice of cake, as I find cake sickly after more than a few bites. I am not a “teeny-tiny” as you love to say, I’m a perfectly normal 5’8”, 62kg, size 10.

So discreetly people comment on it 'very often'? That doesn't sound very discreet to me, it sounds quite performative actually, I bet she side eyes people while she uses it too just to make sure they are watching

Yes, agree with all of this

I've also never met anyone like this IRL.

If people are complaining about it in MN, I wonder if they're overweight women who, like you, think thin women opting for smaller cake sizes or not being able to finish a huge meal as a jibe.

I don't like cake. I do like cheese. I don't like fizzy drinks, I do like wine. I therefore indulge moderately in those things when I get the option, as part of a balanced diet. So you won't see me with a wedge of birthday cake and I might make a "I'm quite full, just a little piece, please" comment - to be polite to the host who has made the cake.

That's it.

TheGreatIndoors

Have you guys honestly never seen the competitive undereaters threads on here? They are quite often the MIL with the "bird" appetite but having sly digs at the slightly overweight OP (the DIL)

You're right: it's often the OP complaining about their MiL rather than their DM (not always, I'm sure).
Could that be because both genetics and environment as we're brought up have an influence on our relationship with food?
So maybe fat mothers tend to pass on those genes or their eating habits and both OP and their DM are fat/slightly overweight/term of choice.
Maybe some of these MiLs are just carrying on with their normal eating habits and the DiLs - sensitive about their own weight - perceive it as a dig.

I feel the same about cake. It is sickly, especially chocolate cake. So maybe people have assumed I'm turning it down to show off.

I'm really not. I just prefer savoury things. If someone had a birthday savoury dish, I'd be right in there with a big spoon.

Sickly is how I feel about it, too. Chocolate cake makes my mouth feel horrible. I can manage a boozy Christmas cake, but as a vessel for cheese and always without icing.

If anything, I feel awkward turning down cake at parties because I don't want to insult anyone. The amount of birthday cake I've forced down is enough to last a lifetime, small sliver or not.

I think this is true. As a thin person I don't think about my weight very often, I don't need to. I saw a tiktok before by a fat person and I was shocked at how much they considered everyday things, will I fit into this booth, will I break this chair, will I fit into the lift with other people, will I spill over onto the seat beside me etc.

I never think about those things, my weight isn't at the forefront of my mind day to day, it doesn't have to be. I don't think about weight and behaviour as I don't have to, I'd never think oh that fat person is picking that chair because it looks sturdy for example because the sturdiness of chairs isn't something that ever enters my mind. Me picking a flimsy looking chair wouldn't be because oh look at me I'm so teeny tiny I can sit on this chair not like that fat person, I just pick a chair because it's closest or because it faces the way I prefer or whatever.

GiddyRobin

If people are complaining about it in MN, I wonder if they're overweight women who, like you, think thin women opting for smaller cake sizes or not being able to finish a huge meal as a jibe.

Ah, stick a slice of cream cake in yer gob, luv, and you'll be a bit effin happier...
(Edited in case anyone doesn't realise this is a joke)

Because food is the root of all happiness, to some people, so if you're dieting to be slim you must be miserable. Even if being slimmer makes you feel better, healthier and happier.
If you're not dieting, presumably you must still be miserable because you're not eating enough happiness food to make you fat. The "burger and stfu" advice will still come your way.
Yet there is still a Weight Loss board on MN, we're told that being slim is "prized" and, apparently, there are loads of threads where fat people are convinced that every time someone turns down a slice of cake or wears a jersey it's all about them and their weight.

apparently, there are loads of threads where fat people are convinced that every time someone turns down a slice of cake or wears a jersey it's all about them and their weight

Or alternatively, @LaMarschallin its all about the slim person wanting to draw attention to their slimness and/or magnificent self-control to all and sundry.

CheekyHobson

Or alternatively, its all about the slim person wanting to draw attention to their slimness and/or self-control.

As I've said, the only people I've noticed making a fuss about eg the size of a piece of cake has been someone who wants to lose weight.
It doesn't sound like slim people need to draw attention to their weight - it seems like a lot of people (at least on MN) notice it anyway.
I don't think many slim people have noticed this "performative" eating/being cold or whatever. So, imo, it's the people who start these threads that are most concerned with and sensitive about their own and other people's weight.
I'm certainly not bothered if you're fat or not unless it bothers you - in which case, I sympathise.

I'm a size 12, my best mate is a size 22.

I'm one of those people wearing shorts in November: I 'run hot' and have done so all my life. My friend, on the other hand, will be bundled up in a pashmina when it's 23 degrees in the shade.

Probably should have put a /sarcasm tag on my post as I have exactly the same perspective as you and was intending to reinforce your point.

Haha, don't worry, I got the joke and chuckled to El Catto! 😁

I totally agree. I think this idea of joy being so rooted in food is incredibly pervasive to a lot of people. As much as I enjoy a good meal and I like cooking, I just don't really think about it unless it's mealtime or I'm making something special. For people who base a lot of their happiness on food, that's an unbelievable thing. So to reject a slice of their "joy" is somehow a personal dig at them.

It's weird to me. I really like reading but if someone else doesn't, I don't think they're taking a swipe at me and calling me a nerd by changing the subject to what's on telly. I don't wear a lot of makeup (because I'm crap at it, I need to frequent the beauty threads more really for tips!), but I'm not offended by women who turn up to a party looking utterly glam and gorgeous. I love to see it. I don't feel like they're trying to make me look plain if they comment on my natural skin or something.

It makes me wonder if a lot of this is because I'm just content in myself. The fat people fantasising that teeny tinies are out to get them don't sound content at all. And I don't mean that as a dig to anyone, but I just can't see any other reason they'd dream some of these things up.

CheekyHobson

Ah, it's late - I missed the sarcasm
It was good sarcasm, too!

This. I’m relatively slim and I get really hot flushes and need fresh air.
it’s not fat shaming it’s just People differ with their body temps

GiddyRobin

I could have written that myself (thought not so well) especially the bit about reading.

I'm sure you'd have put it far more eloquently than my post midnight rambles! I think reading comes closest to how I can imagine it, thinking back to kids name calling in school, etc. But that mindset just sort of gets left behind in adulthood.

I think you've got the right of it there. I love food but it's not something that's on my mind a huge amount. If I was out at a restaurant, I might look forward to it throughout the day. Equally I might get to 10pm and think, shit I haven't eaten.

It sounds like people are imagining that it takes a tremendous amount of willpower and sacrifice to turn down a piece of cake or to only want a small slice. So they project feelings onto you that you're martyring yourself over it when actually it's no sacrifice at all because you're not arsed about cake.

Another point made earlier was about how being bigger means it's on your mind more because you need to make adjustments over it or you're self conscious. I hate to think of people feeling like that and I don't envy them. But personally I don't notice and I don't care.

I was on another thread about weight loss earlier and it made me ponder what it would be like to be bigger. Someone parked their car quite close to mine and I had to be a bit careful negotiating my way in. If I was bigger, that would have been a huge deal. I might have had to climb over the passenger side, again which would be difficult. Or wait for the other person to come back so I could get in. I can see how living like that would be stressful. So if something is constantly on your mind like that, you might start thinking people are giving you evils for having a fan on or being cold for show or wafting around in a big jumper to prove a point or refusing cake so everyone admires you.

It's really not the case.

this is me, I'm a cold person, perishing now (back in my snorkle since last week)