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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think parents nowadays are just weak

600 replies

Alberta56 · 16/09/2024 19:07

Not sure is it just me but I feel like most parents are just soft and incapabble to discipline their own kids. I constantly see topics here and not only about small kids doing what they want - screaming, tantrums, wanting stuff and parents are just so helpless. When I go on the tube kids screaming putting their dirty feet on the seats. At home kids not wanting to eat and parents act like they own a restaurant immediately cooking something else. What's wrong with saying NO, or ""keep quiet" or " you eat whats available or "you go and play alone while mommy reads a book for 1 h". Why are parents constantly trying to keep kids entertained and spend a fortune on stupid activities. Worst thing is that I see young colleagues 18/ 19 years old coming to work and are just incapable of being a human - constantly late, all the time have to think about their feelings and emotions can't even complain to HR when they're not doing their job properly....I just don't get it really. I'm about to be a mom myself and if I need i will discipline my kid with firm approach non of that " let them express themselves" cr@p.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 17/09/2024 13:01

I do childcare for my DD. I do think there are non negotiables from 3, like getting dressed for Nursery, nothing offered but food (even if it's just toast, sweets aren't an option). Being taught to tidy up etc. However my DP made a comment when I said I'll see if the kids wanted to go out. He said they get told. I then pointed out that we (70's childhood) was told nothing, because we played out all day, or could be left in. We didn't get dragged to shops etc. As for previous generations talking and reading, very few did were I lived. We were taught by older peers. You'd be shut down by the adults around you. Many who wanted the status quo of homophobia, sexism, DV ignoring, hypocritical religious following to carry on. A lot of adults were functioning alcoholics, men were horrible. It went from threatening you with violence to a few years later being sexually inappropriate. Any adult around you could get away with giving you a clip around the ear/slapped legs. For those who are about to say that their granddads were lovely. None of the older men used to tell the younger men to pack it in when we were wolf whistled on the way to school.
Parenting these days is hard going. There are bad parents, of course, but no other generation of parents gave been held to the standards that today's parents are. I'm also sure that life was easier when you dropped your SEN/disabled child off at the local institution.

User14March · 17/09/2024 13:03

@errors that’s how it was in dark ages of my youth. We became readers etc as after Take Hart etc nothing on TV. No choice. Parents put themselves first often too.

I think the pendulum is swinging back, kids reading books again & phones banned in school.

TheWickerMan · 17/09/2024 16:04

The thing about these debates that always gets me is the amount of people who say ‘I was treated like X and I turned out fine’ yet they actually didn’t. They can’t handle their emotions, they do a lot of silent treatment or anger and treat other people in a certain way because that’s the only way they know how but they think it’s fine because they don’t know any different.

The old ways of parenting did a lot of damage, it’s just that a lot of people can’t see it. I have seen it in a lot of people in my line of work. I’m not saying that permissive parenting is okay, it isn’t, but a lot of the old fashioned ways of parenting are not good either.

AbraAbraCadabra · 17/09/2024 16:22

I completely agree OP and I am a parent and have ADHD and have a child with ASC/ADHD. Parents seem to think they don't need to actually parent any more, and we are way too child centric. There are more than just children in a family and centerng everything around them while doing everything for them, never allowing them time away from adult supervision, and not giving them any boundaries, or clear and consistent boundaries, is not going to turn out well/rounded healthy independent children capable of managing in the real world who consider others and not just themselves.

Creamcarpetandwhitewalls · 17/09/2024 16:34

A bit random, but when I was in primary school, quite often at break time we would be taken to the hall to learn how to be bored. We would sit on the floor in rows cross-legged and link our fingers together. Then we’d swirl our thumbs around each other. Around and around. For twenty minutes. We weren’t allowed to move or speak or get up. If you stopped or messed about, you’d be sent to the headmaster.

I actually think it was very useful to me. I have the patience of a saint and I’m quite happy to sit and wait, always have been. It is important to be taught that you aren’t the centre of the world, you’re not always going to be entertained and that you have to behave yourself regardless.

Creamcarpetandwhitewalls · 17/09/2024 16:38

TheWickerMan · 17/09/2024 16:04

The thing about these debates that always gets me is the amount of people who say ‘I was treated like X and I turned out fine’ yet they actually didn’t. They can’t handle their emotions, they do a lot of silent treatment or anger and treat other people in a certain way because that’s the only way they know how but they think it’s fine because they don’t know any different.

The old ways of parenting did a lot of damage, it’s just that a lot of people can’t see it. I have seen it in a lot of people in my line of work. I’m not saying that permissive parenting is okay, it isn’t, but a lot of the old fashioned ways of parenting are not good either.

But what is the current behaviour seen across far too many children in school saying about today’s parenting?

The high levels of anxiety; phone addition; the lack of resilience; the rudeness and the bad language. This started way before Covid.

At what point is the study going to come out, that tells us today’s ‘styles’ of parenting aren’t working either.

mitogoshigg · 17/09/2024 16:39

I agree op. My dc are older, mid 20's, and I see a huge difference between when mine were tiny and kids today. I think it's partly related to devices, and partly the trend for gentle parenting or potentially permissive parenting.

Keeping up with your instagram posts I think I would single out as a major factor

TheWickerMan · 17/09/2024 16:43

Creamcarpetandwhitewalls · 17/09/2024 16:38

But what is the current behaviour seen across far too many children in school saying about today’s parenting?

The high levels of anxiety; phone addition; the lack of resilience; the rudeness and the bad language. This started way before Covid.

At what point is the study going to come out, that tells us today’s ‘styles’ of parenting aren’t working either.

I don’t know, but I know having seen the after effects of the damage that the old ways do I don’t fancy going back to them either.

Rudeness and bad language have always been around, they aren’t new. I don’t think Covid is a factor, personally. Screen addiction is a problem for sure and I don’t know if high levels of anxiety are new or not, there have been mental health issues have been prevalent for a long time. The old parenting styles caused a lot of them too.

mymycherrypie · 17/09/2024 16:45

watermanserenity · 16/09/2024 19:16

Return once you've had your child and they have reached at least toddlerhood Smile

I know this is a goady thread BUT, I’ll never forget sitting in the maternity waiting room while a 3 year old screamed absolute murder, kicking chairs, climbing on people… The setting was wrong, no wonder the child was kicking off, both parents there so one could have taken the child for a walk etc, they could have bought games or colouring, even an iPad in that scenario i would not have judged. When my pram was booted by said child, I said to them “why don’t you take her for a walk?” Both parents scoffed at me, smug as fuck, saw my newborn in the pram and laughed “you’ll learn soon enough”.

Queue my (usually rubbish) husband breezing in with my two eldest who were sweet as pie that day, having been just taken for a walk and distracted - aged 7 and 2 by then.

Who learned soon enough then 🤣 not me!

TheaBrandt · 17/09/2024 16:50

I do think the pendulum has swing too far. The bar is so high for parents now. I think our parents generation had it about right. Now it’s all so child centred. Every weekend for the kids their activities they mustn’t be bored. Our parents did some of that but the parents needs took priority not now,

Notellinganyone · 17/09/2024 17:15

Come back in a couple of years OP.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 17/09/2024 17:54

I think my DDs have benefited from having boundaries and consequences. They’re teenagers now & they know how to express themselves calmly and respectfully if they disagree with a situation … but I think that’s because it began when they were very young. I didn’t tolerate crap behaviour then and I won’t now …I’ve never raised my hand or my voice to my DDs but I have taught them right from wrong. I think there are so many different parenting styles … and one size doesn’t fit all.

GivingitToGod · 17/09/2024 17:56

Creamcarpetandwhitewalls · 16/09/2024 23:13

Ah, I see.

In the cases of the children that I knew, who went on to end up in prison as adults, my firsthand experience of their parents, was that they were disinterested…and that when approached by school staff for support regarding behaviour at the age of say 11, 12 or 13, the common responses were ‘what am I supposed to do?’ or ‘he’s your problem in school’.

They either tended to be overly friendly with their children to the point of their children ruling the roost, or alternatively had long relinquished their role as parent and it was just less hassle to turn a blind eye to all negative behaviour. They’d rather pick their battle with the school than their own child.

I haven’t had a single child end up in prison, where parents were engaged or at least tried to put in place boundaries. This in over 25 years of working in education. Sadly, I’ve never been surprised by who ended up in prison.

When you see parents failing a child because they are lazy, disengaged or have plainly given up, it’s hard not to judge. And when children have this sort of parent, it’s difficult for education staff to assert any authority, as it’s generally not supported by the parent because it creates difficulties for them.

I’m sure not every person who ends up in prison had rubbish parents, and not every child who has rubbish parents ends up in prison, but a lot do and in my line of work, I got to see those specifically and I suppose it has influenced my opinion.

Edited

Thank you, I agree that some kids are disadvantaged from the beginning.

Drcake · 17/09/2024 17:59

lol I was a great parent before the kids came along and ruined it.

I think it’s worth noting that interacting with your children as actual small people is much harder and affronting than just constantly shouting at them and demanding respect. Of course, it’s up to you about which parenting style you choose but it might be useful to revisit MN after trying to put your foot down to a toddler…

We’ve prob all had a bit of egg on our face after judging other parents before actually having the children. So strap in 😅

User14March · 17/09/2024 18:13

Respecting your elders and teachers was a given a few decades ago but now there’s a feeling it should be earned. Progress? Should young children be obedient? Obedience possibly feels outmoded now?

independencefreedom · 17/09/2024 18:18

SpiritOfEcstasy · 17/09/2024 17:54

I think my DDs have benefited from having boundaries and consequences. They’re teenagers now & they know how to express themselves calmly and respectfully if they disagree with a situation … but I think that’s because it began when they were very young. I didn’t tolerate crap behaviour then and I won’t now …I’ve never raised my hand or my voice to my DDs but I have taught them right from wrong. I think there are so many different parenting styles … and one size doesn’t fit all.

Same here, more or less. For what it's worth I was pretty strict about bed-times, about them helping out at home and in school, usually had a plan for the day that they might contribute to, ate meals together with us all eating the same food within reason, emphasised politeness and consideration of how their behaviour might impact other people, gave them their own space and then the basic building blocks of sleep, fresh air, exercise and good food.

But I also emphasised empathy, didn't bitch about other people in front of them - so no castigating of other people's parenting, or using terms like 'snowflake' - and if we saw other kids kicking off I'd just say that they must be tired. When mine got overly emotional or were struggling with their behaviour, I'd (as calmly as possible) tell them it would be best if they had some time alone until they felt better, not that they were innately bad or naughty.

One thing I didn't do and can't stand is when parents say 'you've made mummy cross' which I hear a lot. It's not about mummy, it's that your child probably doesn't actually want to behave badly. So I'd say act with surprise and some sympathy if they're acting up. If you've laid good groundwork in terms of respecting other people they'll get it.

It's hard when there are public figures such as Trump and Boris Johnson behaving so self-indulgently, breaking the rules, being obnoxious and so on.

I wouldn't go all out in making a plan to be laying down the law - in my experience that doesn't work. What does work is setting a good example so your kids learn how to live with respect with other people and in the world so they come to understand that they're part of a family and part of society and their behaviour has an impact on themselves, you, and everyone else.

My dcs are teenagers now, and generally polite, considerate and helpful. Who knows what's coming down the line but I really think the emphasis on being respectful and helpful as well as sleep, exercise and food has set them up pretty well (for now...)

SpiritOfEcstasy · 17/09/2024 18:21

independencefreedom · 17/09/2024 18:18

Same here, more or less. For what it's worth I was pretty strict about bed-times, about them helping out at home and in school, usually had a plan for the day that they might contribute to, ate meals together with us all eating the same food within reason, emphasised politeness and consideration of how their behaviour might impact other people, gave them their own space and then the basic building blocks of sleep, fresh air, exercise and good food.

But I also emphasised empathy, didn't bitch about other people in front of them - so no castigating of other people's parenting, or using terms like 'snowflake' - and if we saw other kids kicking off I'd just say that they must be tired. When mine got overly emotional or were struggling with their behaviour, I'd (as calmly as possible) tell them it would be best if they had some time alone until they felt better, not that they were innately bad or naughty.

One thing I didn't do and can't stand is when parents say 'you've made mummy cross' which I hear a lot. It's not about mummy, it's that your child probably doesn't actually want to behave badly. So I'd say act with surprise and some sympathy if they're acting up. If you've laid good groundwork in terms of respecting other people they'll get it.

It's hard when there are public figures such as Trump and Boris Johnson behaving so self-indulgently, breaking the rules, being obnoxious and so on.

I wouldn't go all out in making a plan to be laying down the law - in my experience that doesn't work. What does work is setting a good example so your kids learn how to live with respect with other people and in the world so they come to understand that they're part of a family and part of society and their behaviour has an impact on themselves, you, and everyone else.

My dcs are teenagers now, and generally polite, considerate and helpful. Who knows what's coming down the line but I really think the emphasis on being respectful and helpful as well as sleep, exercise and food has set them up pretty well (for now...)

We should be friends 😂🙏🏻

BoredZelda · 17/09/2024 18:21

I, too, was an excellent parent before I became a parent. Then I actually added a child into the mix.

Sleepytiredyawn · 17/09/2024 18:26

watermanserenity · 16/09/2024 19:16

Return once you've had your child and they have reached at least toddlerhood Smile

I was waiting for this 😂

It’s ok to say you’ll do this/that but just wait until it’s your life.

Buffs · 17/09/2024 18:29

I agree with you in principle. I had my children in my forties and most of my bad parenting was as a result of exhaustion.

Theordinary · 17/09/2024 18:31

watermanserenity · 16/09/2024 19:16

Return once you've had your child and they have reached at least toddlerhood Smile

Couldn't have put it better 😁

Askingforafriendtoday · 17/09/2024 18:31

Why are teachers expected to teach children to clean their teeth? 🤔🤷

ThatsIllegal · 17/09/2024 18:37

“I'm about to be a mom myself” says it all really. No one is a better parent that someone who doesn’t have kids 😂

Lollipop81 · 17/09/2024 18:44

😂😂😂😂 go and play and let mommy read for an hour 🤣🤣🤣🤣 hilarious. Seriously can tell you are not a mom yet. Good luck with the wake up call you are about to receive 😁

BubblegumLolly · 17/09/2024 18:48

YANBU.

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