DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Well obviously stop telling your mean parents anything, particularly your mother.

How nasty that she would begrudge you a bit of head space when you carry the burden of caring for your disabled child.

How ugly she is.
Please take every chance to get out on your own that you can.
Itvwill help to keep you balanced.

Pay no attention to your husband and shut his whining down.

See a lot less of your mother and stop telling her your business as she can't be happy for you.

I can imagine the mother herself lived a life of a recluse joined to her husband by the hip and begrudges everyone else who does not fancy living in Victorian times.
I actually know people like that who are shocked a woman may want to go out without a husband. It's 2024 and you'd think it's 1824.

Last time she made a fuss that I was off “gallivanting” again I answered with a big smile and said that I work hard and I deserve it! I don’t believe there’s any envy from my DH but I do feel resentment and envy from my Mum as her life with my Dad has been very insular. She could have had friends and a social life but instead martyred herself to her family. My Dad hates her doing stuff without him.

Exactly this! On a couple of occasions DH and I have been invited out to a family meal or wedding etc and once DH had to work. I was expected to not go as a woman’s place is next to her husband 🙄

are you still planning on leaving your DH as per your thread two days ago?

woman’s aid are involved?

I am, yes 👍

@plasticmack It's quite clear that poster isn't saying anything about being able to afford to go away or not! Or that people that don't are miserable.
Instead that it's miserable to think that (for people who have the means) going away once or twice a year is too often! Which of course is isn't at all.

so don’t bother about shite like this

I am lucky that I do have the means to go away a couple of times per year, see shows and have a social life. I don’t take it for granted and appreciate every bit of time to myself I get. I know not everyone has that or can afford to. I have had to fight to maintain a social life outside my family.

I bet he has plenty of uninterrupted game time while the op is caring for their disabled child - just because he doesn't choose to spend his spare moments out of the house doesn't mean he is present 100% if he is a gamer

I wonder if he thinks that 99% of mums are mugs and saps then, seeing as most mothers in relationships appear to operate as single parents anyway. Or is that just how he sees the natural order of things?

Seriously it sounds like he needs to find some mates or a hobby if being at home is so excruciating for him.

But I'm sure the husband could also go out if he chose.

Jesus, the ingrained misogyny on here is unbelievable sometimes.

They are HIS OWN KIDS and he is at home anyway. Why are the children the OP's entire responsibility all the time, so much so that she has to ask her DH whether he can manage to look after them for a bit?

I bet if he wanted to go out for a few hours or stay away for a night he'd just go and wouldn't dream of asking the OP whether she would mind looking after the kids.

@IneffableCat why did he have the kids if he does not want to look after them ?

If you're leaving him then you will be out quite a lot ...! So I'm all for splitting up if H is a dickhead but why ask? You clearly know he's BU. What are you parents going to make of it all though?!

Actually I've just seen your other thread; clearly you've got much bigger problems than this. I really think you should just post in Relationships if you need help, but your situation isn't going to get any better, any time soon with this bully boy.

I don't have a husband that travels a lot. I have a husband who travels for work approximately twice a year. I have medical issues which means driving is going to take some time.

I've just seen your other thread. God, your husband is a nasty piece of shit. Focus on your plan to get away from him permanently and please don't pay any mind to what he thinks about you having some well-deserved time with friends. He lost his right to an opinion when he started his abuse. Good luck.

I do Zumba and weightlifting classes most evenings while my husband looks after our kids. I have friends I've made in these classes and sometimes we go to dinner or for drinks afterwards, or to a Zumba event that is longer and kind of far away so it takes all evening. I've even gone on roadtrips my Zumba friends and I have one that lives in a neighboring state so I go visit her (sometimes with my kids, other times without them) and she comes to visit me (same, because she has one kid but is divorced and works in my state when he's with his dad; so sometimes she has custody of him and all our kids get together whereas other times she doesn't and it's just her and me, or other Zumba friends).

My husband has never cared about any of this, except in a positive way. He likes that I'm happy and he encourages me to have my own interests, hobbies and friends. He also likes hanging out with our kids! No one has said anything about it except that it's awesome that my husband and I have such a good relationship and each have our own interests that sometimes overlap. (Sometimes my husband comes out with my Zumba friends and me, like if it's someone's birthday or we go out to dinner or a club or concert, etc. He has also come to some Zumba events and very occassionally does Zumba with us and has a great time.)

Does your husband not have his own friends or interests? Mine likes to go rollerblading and hiking and play videogames with his friends. Sometimes I (and/or our kids) do some of this stuff with them and I have fun when I do. But usually it's just him and his friends and I look after our kids when he does that. So, it all balances out. Obviously he and I also go on dates together, travel together just the two of us and enjoy some hobbies (and some "hobbies," tee hee), just the two of us.

I think it's important to have balance in a relationship and for each person to do their own thing as well as for the couple to do things together. It's the secret to a lasting marriage, in my opinion. (We have been together for 13 years, married for 11, and have 4 kids ages 3-10. We also have a lot of help from his dad who helps look after our kids, which really helps, but if we didn't, we would still switch off on doing our own things with our own friends, and I guess our date nights would just be in the evenings at home after our kids go to sleep, or perhaps we would get babysitters on care.com or something.)

If my parents or his parents made unsolicited negative comments about our relationship choices I'd tell them to keep their opinions to themselves. How rude!

OP has wasted so much time on this thread debating this, when if she’s planning to leave him imminently, already has plans in place and even has Woman’s Aid involved - it seems like politely misplaced energy.

and it’s very odd how she even talks about him fairly positively on this thread when according to the other thread - he is seriously awful

Yeah, priorities seem a bit off.

"D" H not really a darling/dear then is he!

Why do a thread if you are leaving him? Genuine question.

Seems a bit like moaning about your cabin on a sinking ship

Exactly.

If there is one thing martyred misery hates is a woman making better choices for a better life for herself.

Tell your mother nothing.
Don't listen to your husband.
Enjoy your well earned break.💪😁

OP's other thread - the husband is vile

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5164544-dh-making-fun-of-me-for-being-thick