DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

How many hours a week does he spend gaming? The people I know who are addicted to gaming spend huge amounts of time on it, completely absorbed, doing nothing around the house, oblivious to their children and partners. Frankly Id prefer my partner went out and socialised a few times a month than pour endless hours into that empty bottomless dopamine pit.

Do NOT stop time with your friends. Your life sounds amazing. Your DH isn't being taken for a 'mug', nor should you feel guilty for socializing. Your parents sound mental! Your DH is quite simply parenting HIS children if you go out. If he chooses this boring, mundane existence where video games rule supreme then that is on him.

Unless it was the husband staying away, and then you would all be saying he's having affair, or he is being controlling.

Ahah

I revised my answer after reading more of op’s messages.

If he was actually wanting to go and that she kinda left him home for girls night that would have been my answer…but actually, he is a gamer and don’t want to go out…so. That is his choice, not hers. He can’t make her do what he solely wants 🤷🏼‍♀️

My Nan used to say to me ‘are you out gallivanting again’. Such a cool word! Your DH is being ridiculous. He should be supporting you having some much needed downtime not making pathetic comments.

I assume when he is playing video games he isn't 100% focussed on the kids?!! That is his way of relaxing and checking out of parenting. I would guess you pick up the slack then. Video games are time consuming, absorbing and dull for anybody who isn't playing. He might as well not be home.

For you, it is to leave the house for an overnight every few months. Just because it isn't the same way of relaxing, doesn't mean it is not comparable.

Your parents should have your back and not meddle in your marriage. I assume you don't make critical comments on their relationship as they are adults. They are being unreasonable.

Ps. I have never understood the if it was the husband away overnight you would change your tune comment. There is no hint that OP's DP thinks she is cheating - he is huffy about childcare (like a knob). I would trust my partner to go away overnight without even thinking about it!

Nope. My husband has more that 2 nights a year away with friends (as do I) and I have no concerns that he’s cheating. His friends are scattered all over the country, it’s far easier to see them if he stays overnight.
Fairly sure he doesn’t think I’m cheating either.

How are you dumping the children on DH? They are his children too?

My husband makes comments like this. Would also say things in front of the kids like mum’s going out again and leaving you. Used to really upset me. I started making a sarcastic comment like “call social services mum is making dad parent again” and laugh. I then realised he was not going to change his views but I could change my approach and not let them upset me. Now I just pass no comment and ignore. He now no longer makes the comments because im not giving him a response and I go have lovely times with my friends 😍

Are they not his children?
I don’t understand the issue with looking after his own children two weekends a year?

Sounds like he just needs to be okay with not having a life outside of the home and that you should be able to go out and socialise. Maybe you could give him a day to himself or something.

This is the least of your problems then.
Get on with it.

He sounds like he indulges himself every day by having child free time to game. Start logging the hours just to see. He can do gaming after all the dinner is done, kitchen reset and kids in bed. Then he can relax

I hate it when they say dads are babysitting their own children as if it’s a favour.

I have a husband who has zero social life. He used to at uni be the life and soul of the party but now he is happy gaming.

We have a 15 year old and I know I can pretty much do anything as there will be no clashes with his calendar. I just need to check my DS calendar as we only have one family car so need to ensure the car is available to pick him up etc as he is busy with teenager stuff.

I don’t even care that I book stuff. I’m going on holiday with a friend in November and leaving the pair of them. They will survive.

how would your DH feel with 50/50 custody if he continues to begrudge you some me time?

don’t let toxic family members put you down either.

go. Enjoy your weekend as they always say out your own life mask on a plane first so you can help others and this is what you need to do

Good on you for having a social life after having children. So many people lose a part of themselves, especially women. My mum used to go out and away when I was a kid, and my dad always looked after us. He always talks about it and I remember it very fondly because we had fun and did things my mum maybe wouldn’t have let us do.
If he makes no effort to have a social life and hobbies, that’s on him. If he does have some kind of mental health issue that prevents him from doing this, he should tell you or seek help on his own. I know people are saying he may feel left out… but surly he could voice this? Or better still, he could plan some quality child free time for the two of you? A weekend away, childcare sorted. Yes you could offer him a night off, but I don’t know why he can’t just ask?

How many hours a week does he game? You are solo parenting while he games . He solo parents while you see friends.

Going forward don't tell your parents and ignore your dh!!

Having read your other thread, I feel for you! That is not okay at all, and the guilt trip about going away is only to try and recover the bit he can't control! Honestly, you are better off without him, and would get more down time if separated. Your husband sounds like a very sad little boy! Just quack, let it go over your head until all the ducks are in a row x

This is ridiculous, both parents deserve some time away from their children to maintain their friendships and hobbies and sense of self. I hardly think two overnight trips a year counts as regularly away.

heaven forbid a man is required to be a parent to his child! Go with your friends have a good time.

OP, you do sound a bit dismissive of him because of his lack of a social life. He might not like that, and feel also that you are taking advantage of him.

Ffs! @IneffableCat tell your h that if he doesn’t get over himself about this that you’ll leave him and he’ll have them EOW and a day in the week so you’ll go out EVEN more

I hate men like this.

also tell you parents to back the fuck off with their misogyny

I'm out quite regularly with my friends and we have children. My husband has the kids. But the difference is he has friends and a hobby!

Why should his plans be more important than hers? Asking if he has anything booked so you can organise childcare together is sensible, cancelling your plans because he said so isn’t.

Why does she need to check that their father ‘will be okay with the kids’ that’s so bizarre! Are women ever asked if they are ok to be with their children? I don’t think he needs to be involved in’decision making’ she’s decided she’s going out she doesn’t need permission. But yes maybe to just say ‘I’m going out on xxx just checking ur not already out’ is fair

This⬆️ definitely. Tell him he's responsible for ½ of the looking after of the children. More importantly tell your parents it's nothing to do with them!