DH says he feels like a “mug” and I take advantage

[IneffableCat]

I’ll be brief. A couple of times per year (once or twice) I stay overnight in a hotel with girlfriends which I love doing and it gives me a break. I also see friends for meals out, theatre shows or cinema etc every few months. There’s been a good few comments from my parents in front of DH along the lines of “poor DH, being left to look after the children again while Mum goes out gallivanting!”

A few weeks ago I had a night in London, saw a show and caught up with friends. DH knew about the plan for months in advance and stated that he “didn’t care” what I did. After the comments he said how it’s obvious that I treat him like a “sap” and a “mug” How I’m walking all over him and dumping the kids on him AGAIN.

I’ve got a show booked for a weeks time and told DH about it today and he said again how he was being taken for a mug again and that I should have told him sooner. This is a show in my home town so I’ll only be gone for a few hours.

The friends I see are all child free and my mum has commented that it’s ok for them to go out as they don’t have children. That I need more friends with kids. AIBU?

DH does nothing outside the house, has no interest in a social life or outside hobbies.

Sounds like you are just different people. You like to socialuse and he doesn't.of course you should go out and see friends. If he chooses to stay in all the time then that's up to him.

What do you do when your husband goes out to work- do you also struggle and feel forgotten and cofnused? Would you know what to do with yourself if your partner went away for a day? Do you think married couples are joined by a hip and need to do everything together?
I love theatre, my partner does not. He loves gaming, I do not. Id think it's normal to assume that most adult people can occupy themselves for a few hours/a day without having to hold their partner's hands, it's realy a bit much to be this needy to feel 'forgotten' if your other half wants to see mates a few times a year.

I do more nights out with the PTA than any childless friends I have. Tell your DP it's not the 1950's any more and parents are allowed a life. Tell DH he is 50% responsible for his children, 2 nights away is 0.005%, and he can fuck off back to the stone ages. being taken for a mug he is not.

Jesus wept

That's bizarre and deeply regressive. Emmeline Pankhurst, eat your heart out! She's probably turning in her grave!

Time with family is precious but so is time with friends. You will get your children to adulthood and you will have no friendships because you didn't take any time to nurture them while you were all-consumed by your children and your husband, who never needed that level of intensity.

FFS how would you even remember half an hour of snakes and ladders anyway? So much of child-rearing is mundane and unmemorable!

I didn't go away overnight until the kids were much older and I look back and wish I had!

It was the PTA that re-established my social life too. We had some great nights out!

@Runnerinthenight

Time with family is precious but so is time with friends. You will get your children to adulthood and you will have no friendships because you didn't take any time to nurture them while you were all-consumed by your children and your husband, who never needed that level of intensity.

This exactly.

What do all the My Little Family people think will happen when their kids hit their teens and won’t want anything to do with them? Or leave home to go to university, start an apprenticeship or get married?

How will they feel when they wake up from 15 years of self imposed isolation to find their friends have all abandoned them. Because My Little Family.

How do they think their children will deal with the guilt at leaving you when you have put every single egg in this basket? And how do you think they will start to build their own social networks when they finally leave home and have absolutely no social skills because their parents shut the world out and had no friends?

As you rightly say it’s deeply regressive. Also self sabotaging and a really poor example to children. But bizarrely fashionable these days.

My husband goes camping multiple times a year, he's been away for a city break with me and a motor bike weekend in the UK. More than I have been away this year. Am I feeling left out or unwanted? 100% no because I'm not child. I'm glad he is able to have a good time. Next year it looks like I will be away more than him and he again is 100% ok with it.

That's not a lot.

By all accounts Emmeline Pankhurst had a great social life 😂.

OP, I think your parents need to butt out here and DH should probably think very seriously about how he'd cope looking after your disabled child 50% of the time.

I thought the suggestion to check how many hours he's actually logged on the gaming consoles is a good one! Data, that's what you need.

Go Emmeline!! 😂

I think every 6 months for an overnight stay is quite a lot, especially considering the other nights out OP goes on. My DH travels for work about twice a year and it's quite disruptive, I think I'd be a bit annoyed if he did that out of choice at the same frequency. I've been on 2 hen weekends since my daughter was born, and I've also had the odd work trip. We live rurally, DH is the only one that drives currently so when he's not around it's hard for DD and I to get anywhere, and it usually takes a lot of logistics to work out DD getting to school etc. We both see friends but very rarely overnight and usually we go together and get a babysitter.

As I said, if OP's OH is free to do the same then I don't think it's unfair, but I also think it depends on the children's ages.

I guess it’s all relative. My DH travels for work every week, so twice a year to do something fun with his friends is nothing. I have more than 2 nights a year away with friends, and my DH actively encourages it because I pick up more of the slack at home generally due to him often being away for work.

DH does have lots of friends left over from uni/school/old jobs etc. He’s got quite a few WhatsApp groups where they send each other videos, chat daily and online game together. They are all mostly rubbish about actually meeting in person 😂

I wouldn't be able to stick him with that attitude.

He clearly thinks you are 'lesser' than him.

LTB and go 50/50 for care

How is this disruptive to you? If you dont have a driving license, why not getone and have to rely on your husband forever?
Does it not tempt to be a bit independent in case if something ever happens and there will not be anyone to ferry both of you arround?
If you had a choice and a driving license, would you be more likely to go out, but you dont so it annoys you if your husband gets to travel stuff and you're stuck at home? in which case it would really be so worth it learning to drive.Because otherwise it seems you being stuck is a personal choice.

Why? Does he have to be joined at the hip with you at all times? Being married does not make you stop being an individual person. Comments like yours are so depressing.

LOL at the posters mirroring what the judgy twat parents and H say.

It’s not the OP’s fault her H is a boring twat reclusive gamer. She hardly goes out and she should be free to do so, as she is an adult.

Fuck sake.

I'm shocked at the attitude that a man "looking after" (cos let's face it the evening 'shift' is the easy bit) his own children is "being a mug"!

Are you sure he's on his computer gaming and not on those red pill sites?

Firstly, you need to tell your parents it is none of their business.

Secondly, think of it this way...You want someone you love to be happy. If you see that person has a hard time in many way, doesn't have much time to themselves due to caring etc, surely you do everything in your power to make things easier on them and ensure they get some happiness for themselves...

The fact that your husband would rather you be downtrodden and not have those times that for you bring enjoyment...tells you everything you need to know about his character.

Jesus... learn to drive. Your post is depressing. All these women who lose themselves once they get married...

I think I would find your parents' comment difficult to forgive. Especially when you are caring for a disabled child too.

What they said is at best thoughtless but it looks like it has impacted your marriage and wellbeing. Sorry, I wouldn't be spending so much time, or sharing access to my personal life, with parents like this ever again.

I would expect my parents to have my back. You ask nothing unreasonable. I'd feel they let me down. Sorry.

I agree. That post was tragic. 😬

are you still planning to leave him Op?

You were two days ago on the other thread you started about your dh calling you thick

@MrsSunshine2b what would possess you to live somewhere very rural when you don’t drive?

and you have a husband that travels a lot and you have a child… do you think this is going to be fair on your child? to be stuck in a very rural home with a parent who doesn’t drive

You disagree that one the people in the relationship has vocalised their unhappiness? I’m here for that all day long.

I might not like what gets said but I’d certainly not discount it or dismiss it out of hand. That’s how resentment turns to divorce down the line.