To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

She is OPs mum. And OP can't imagine her wedding without her mum. But treats mum as an afterthought and then gets in a snit when mum kicks off (admittedly overreacting)

There are very simple solutions here. But i'd ask OP to look inside herself and ask why she now wants her mum there? has she got a few jobs for mum to do? or is just inviting for appearence sake? The reasons for the estrangement won't just vanish, and this situation isn't really helping, is it?

If my DD asked me as an afterthought like this, i would understand that I'm not a particular priority, and would politely decline.

I don't share because i like to be free to fart, scratch, snore, get up a dozen times for the loo, put the light on and read etc etc. I never share for this reason. It would be an easy decision for me.

I would be very pissed off if I had to pay for flights and accommodation and then had to share a room.

People who organise weddings abroad have no idea the cost and hassle it is to attend.

If you’re paying for her flights and accommodation then that’s different.

This sums it up for me

Completely agree with this. It's so difficult trying to explain to others who have a "normal ' happy relationship with their mother what it's like when you have one who is, to put it mildly, very hard work, twisted, manipulative etc.
I've been going lower contact with mine as she has been getting worse and it's really affecting my mental health and affecting my own family. It has had an impact on my general self esteem, relationships with friends, colleagues etc and self worth, even now as an adult.

Getting spoken to and treated like a naughty child when I'm in my 50s! It drives her even more mad now that I'm not standing for it anymore. I answer back to her or walk away.

The reason that we keep going back is something that is mentioned on Mumsnet a lot- FOG.
Fear, obligation and guilt. That will be why the OP wants her mother at her wedding. Also hoping that maybe things will be different for once, that their relationship will improve and be happy. Sadly that does not always happen.

We don't know for certain why the OP and her mother weren't in contact before OP reached out, but I'm going to hazard a guess (based on the behaviour that OP describes) that her mother has been similarly difficult in the past.

It surely can't be so hard to understand that not all mothers are doting and loving- some are downright nasty, some are just plain selfish and so on.

If that is the case, there is no reason on earth that an entire room should have been set aside for her. The fact that OP has reached out with a reconciliatory gesture is enough- the mother might not deserve any more than that.

Providing it’s a twin room and not a double bed your mum should suck it the hell up. You guys where not even in contact when the wedding was planned and arranged she’s lucky to get an invite as an olive branch and yet she’s still making it all about her.

Most mothers would suck it up for a night or two especially when you’ve not long got back in contact.

If I was your Mother suggesting I share a room would mean to me you didn’t want me there

If you were a selfish mother this is what you'd say. She's been in and out if dd life this year and now is threatening not going because of it. She's a shit mother. Leave her be OP. If she misses out that's her fault and her call. She's out her needs above yours so you do the same and stick to it. This will be the first of many demands if you give on. Its a power play.

Same. It all sounds like six of one and half dozen of the other to me.

I'm leaning towards YABU for these reasons.
I'm 52 and getting too old to share rooms away with anyone. I want to snore and use the loo at night in peace.

If my mother was coming to a shared holiday (let alone a wedding) she would have her own room.

You invited her - you really need to work out a solution that allows her to have a room of her own - even if it's the smallest one and others need to bunk up with more than one person.

Completely agree. Her daughter has extended an olive branch and instead of graciously accepting it, and trying to create a positive relationship going forward, she's stamped all over it. It's clear she can only have a relationship with her daughter on her own terms, and it sounds like that means there can't be a relationship.

You do not have much respect for your mum!

I wouldn't ask/expect my Mum to share a room.

I am around the same age as you and also wouldn't want to share a room with a friend's Mum however long they have known me... especially someone who has you said exhibited 'odd behaviour'.

It sounds like her mum doesn't deserve much respect.

I wouldn’t want to share a room either, but I’d know that’s my own issue and not the fault of someone who’s trying to fit everyone into a villa. Given she also wants to walk onto the beach she should book her own room by the beach.

The fact that she’s insisting on mutually incompatible things (has to be in villa, doesn’t want to be alone, wants own room, wants beach location) suggests she’s just kicking off and being difficult, maybe because she’s resentful that the occasion isn’t about her, or about the previous estrangement, or whatever - she might not even know herself. But YANBU OP and I guess this kind of behaviour is part of why things have been difficult before.

All you can do is point out the options to her, and if she refuses to come, let it go. It’s sad but you made an effort and if she won’t be flexible then it can’t work. If she’s not there at least you’ll avoid whatever drama she might have brought. try not to let it spoil the trip and wedding - you tried.

I think it's a bit unfair to ask her to share. I wouldn't want too as the MOTB and feels unfair just because she is single. Could the bridesmaid stay with the other bridesmaids and then if they have partners ask them to stay elsewhere? Seems fairer and then if they decide they want to stay with partners they can get a taxi together rather than a lone woman having too. They could all stay bridesmaids together the night before the wedding so your together in the morning.

Not if the bride’s mother is still showing behaviour that meant the op went NC initially. To be honest if my behaviour was so difficult my kids didn’t want to talk to me, I’d be taking this olive branch with both hands and not make a single complaint. Sounds like the mother needs to show she can actually change and instead is doubling down. Being the mother of the bride is more than just the happenstance of birth - it’s a privilege earned to be in the role front and centre. Sounds like the OP’s mother long lost that privilege.

You are also presumably having a civil wedding in the UK before or after you go. Invite her to that, buy her a nice lunch. Job done. She doesn't have to come to Italy and to be frank, it doesn't sound like she is welcoming the chance. She sounds like she is dreading it.

The alternative is to find other relatives she likes who are attending who may be interested in finding a beach side location to make a holiday of it.

Respect is earned not given. Easily lost and hard to regain whoever you are.

This is tough. I can see both sides.

You arranged your wedding when you were estranged and therefore didn't consider a separate room for your mum,

You are now talking (reconciled? not sure tbh) and she's throwing a strop because she doesn't like the location or share a room.

Location - she is being totally unreasonable
Room - I would HATE to share a room, particularly as mother of the bride.

The crux of this is: why you were estranged, how you got talking again and whether both parties (or just your mum) needs to own why the breakdown happened in the first place?

Is your mum expecting you to turf someone out of the villa for her to get her own room? Is that something you are willing to do? If you do this, is she still going to cause drama?
If she is just going to cause a strop no matter what you do, then just have the wedding without her.

Other options is that she gets a place by the sea and gets a taxi up to you

So many precious mums it seems. When I got married my mum slept on an airbed on the floor so she couldbe there. If your mum wants to see you get married she'd make it work.