To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

I agree too. When my dd got married I shared a room with one of her friends (not a bridesmaid), that I didn’t even know that well. It’s not ideal, but it was what it was. To be honest it was just somewhere to sleep, it’s not as if it meant we were joined at the hip and had to do everything together.

@HauntedbyMagpies How would you shuffle others about? Did you miss the part that this is the only bed left, or do you expect the Chief Bridesmaid to sleep on a couch in the living area?

I do understand all the PPs saying this, however the OP said she decided to reconcile as she "couldn't imagine" getting married without her mother there. So was the mother not considered when booking?

I wouldn't be making anyone share with someone outside of their family and in any situation outside of a married couple I'd still ask if they were happy with it. That's probably just coming off my own issues about needing a space to decompress alone. For a close friends hen night I will share (1 night) any more than that would be a total no go.

I do think that your mother should just bow out or sort alternative accommodation but if you really wanted her there I think you would have looked at a more suitable venue.

Her level of hostility in that interaction is off the scale! Jeepers…

However, I do sort-of-see the point about room sharing. Perhaps she has a health reason for wanting more privacy. Could your bridesmaid be accommodated elsewhere, if you ask her as a huge favour?

In my experience, these big ‘house sharing’ scenarios always bring out existing tensions in families or groups of friends, as the house has yet to be built that contains 8 entirely identical bedrooms that will also exactly accommodate everyone’s needs…

@TheNameIsDickDarlington I thought the OP’s post was a bit contradictory. Couldn’t imagine her mum not being there but booked a venue with no room for her mum.

YANBU. Your mum is being a prima donna, not hard to see why you've struggled to have a relationship with her.

Your mum sounds like a pain and a drama.

But

Your villa sounds 'not that great'. It might be beautiful but you have to drive to get anywhere - that means any and every outing will need a number of designated drivers unless you have a good cab service/bus service and people don't mind paying.

The room set up sounds 'not that great' either. I am 52 and would not want to share a room with anyone - even a bridesmaid I've known since they were three. I am not difficult or high maintenance at all, but tere are things that would embarrass me (I have started snoring since menopause), using the loo a lot in the night, I am uncomfortable dressing in front of anyone and so on. I would hate it. I wouldn't make a fuss or make threats if it was my DD wedding, but I would book a hotel elsewhere.

Having said that, your choice, so I think the various responses that acknowledge it's not 'ideal for her' and offer suggestions about friends/hotels etc, then leave it up to her, are the way to go.

Any other rooms in the villa that could be used as a sleeping room? Sofa in a living room? Would the bridesmaid give up her room for your mum and sleep on a sofa? Tent in the garden!

up to you. In your position i would NEVER ask my mum to share a room. And in your mum's position i wouldn't go unless i got a private room.

You're just telling her she's not important. Own it and accept the outcome.

You haven’t mentioned her paying so lm assuming there is no charge to her. She either sucks up the free room or pays for her own elsewhere. None of her business about the location, it’s not her wedding 🤷‍♀️ I’m getting a clear vibe about why you haven’t been on speaking terms at times

They weren’t speaking at the time so no she wasn’t important or a consideration in the plans at that time. Who includes guests who aren’t coming in plans?

I think that shes being inflexible but I do get the not wanting to share a room. Is it not possible for one of the couples occupying one of the other rooms to stay in a hotel - they might prefer this for their own "couple time" and then you have a room freed up?

I agree with you lol and tbh I was expecting a lot more people saying the same thing but no, apparently the mother of the bride should have her own room and it's disrespectful. Life is far too short for all this bollocks and people falling out over non issues

Even though you had fallen out you knew that you wanted your mum at the wedding and 100% should have factored in a room for your mum. I'd never expect my mum to share a room. Out of interest would your DP have thrown his mum in with a bridesmaid for the wedding?

The venue also sounds really inconvenient. Is everyone going to be driving? You keep saying only a 10 minute drive to some shops/beach (probably underestimated). In reality that means that nothing is in walking distance. If you don't have a car you might as well be 100 miles away. Taxis can be pretty hard to come by in Europe outside of cities.

So yes your mum sounds a bit dramatic and certainly could have aired her concerns better but I do have some sympathy with thise concerns

I agree with this. She's your mother and she shouldn't have been an afterthought. You should have started from the basis that your mother had a decent room to herself and planned the rest from there. What about his parents? Will they be sleeping in the cupboard under the stairs or a tent on the lawn?

Your mother sounds as if she's complicated — I'm not making any excuses for her. But she's your mum: without her, you wouldn't be here to get married. She should be central to your wedding plans and treated with the same courtesy as any other guest rather than as a single inconvenience. Having been single for large parts of my life, I know how insulting it can feel when everyone else gets a bedroom and a bed and I've been expected to make do on the sofa or share with someone's child.

Way to go to make something about her! I'd just say that's fine, but let me know if you change your mind.

If my daughter ever gets married I would just feel privileged to be invited. The day should be entirely about you, not your mother.

I'm glad someone else thought that. All the posts about "they weren't talking when the wedding was booked" seemed to overlook that the OP was the one who made the decision to resume contact based entirely on wanting her mum at the wedding.

Whatever the problem was with the relationship wasn't fixed OP just didn't want her mum to miss the wedding.

So it was clearly important for her to be there, but not important enough to have thought of while booking?

Also a 10 min drive can be an hour or more walk, so this villa does sound very isolated. Not that I agree with the mums tantrum about it but it would certainly be a concern for guests, are they expected to hire cars to do everything?

I don’t think you’re being selfish for offering your mum the accommodation that was left, but I do think you’re being silly for offering a shared room and expecting her to be happy with it when you knew that she wouldn’t be.

I honestly think that you could have offered her a suite at a 5 star hotel and she would still have found fault with it.

Never mind your mum making you wedding about her - stop making your mum’s behaviour about you! It isn’t. Whatever it is that makes her this way, whether it be neurodivergence, a personality disorder or her mental health - that’s all her stuff, not yours.

This. It's really a slap in the face.

Let one or two of the families with kids find another accommodation.

Can't you shuffle beds around so the bridesmaid is with other bridesmaids and your mum on her own?

Yep. I eloped to avoid my parents making my wedding day all about them.

Mothers don't have a 'right' to their kids' love or respect just because they've given birth to them.

i think the "battle lines" are clear here.

To OP her mother was an afterthought and only offered a shared room after a "reconciliation". Only OP knows how good or why the "reconciliation" happened.

To OP's mother she is an afterthought because they weren't speaking at the time. And now she's made a big fuss, possibly because of that?

Mother of the Bride is/can be a pretty important role. Most people would see it that way despite the bizarre list pp posted up there.

In this scenario, in OPs shoes I'd just say "that's the offer, take it or leave it"

(tbh i wouldn't have offered even an estranged mum a shared room. Either single or not invited)

In OPs mum's shoes I'd say "thanks, have a nice wedding, can't wait to see the photos". But then I'm not particularly a drama llama about family.

I wouldn't want to share a room as the mother of the bride. I would do it if no other option but would not really like it. I went to a family wedding where, as the only single, I had to sleep in a bunk bed more suited for a child. I didn't get much sleep. I would not be at all bothered about being near the beach etc.

Perhaps a long shot - would one of the couples be able to share accommodation nearbye, so they would not be individuals on their own and your mother could have her own room?
(We've been in a situation where not everyone could fit into one villa and those in the "overspill" accommodation did not mind at all - could even enjoy it!).

My mum had massive issues with everything about my wedding, eventually she called me a spoiled brat....at which point I finally snapped out of my trance and woke up to how she was treating me. We were paying for the wedding ourselves, all she had to do was get an outfit and turn up. I went NC and never spoke to her again - my life was so much better and easier. I don't think it's unreasonable to share with someone she's known for 30 years, and I would imagine feels pretty close to