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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum to share a room?

399 replies

Katthedog · 15/09/2024 23:47

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

OP posts:
diddl · 16/09/2024 11:16

It's maybe a half offer in a way from Op isn't it?

So she can have kudos for making an offer that her Mum is unlikely to accept.

Idk.

Shame things didn't get resolved before the booking!

That's not to say that Op's mum doesn't sound difficult but O has (imo) given her something to be difficult about!

I also don't share.

For other people's sake as much as my own!

Paganpentacle · 16/09/2024 11:22

MonsteraMama · 16/09/2024 00:09

I'd sleep in a bin behind Aldi to be able to be there for my daughter on her wedding day. I'll never understand how some mums are so comfortable making their daughter's weddings about them.

Same.
Baffling.

Paganpentacle · 16/09/2024 11:23

Has nobody read the part where ALL the rooms are either double or twin- so as a single person she'd be sharing anyway.

Brefugee · 16/09/2024 11:31

that's just shit planning though because unless OP was seriously not considering inviting her mum, without whom she apparently can't imagine getting married, it was always going to create a problem.

so many people have explained why sharing a room is shit. So all this looks like is a proforma invitation from OP to a situation that she may have guessed her mum would turn down, and an overreaction from her mum who may have guessed that during the estrangement the op wouldn't consider inviting her to anything.

So again, OP - just have a good think about why you want to invite your mum. Proforma? just say: that's the offer, i understand if you don't want to come because of location/sharing.

If you really want her there: find a way to get her her own room. If she wants beach etc just say: that's the offer, i understand if you don't want to come because of location.

And leave the ball in her court.

independencefreedom · 16/09/2024 11:35

Paganpentacle · 16/09/2024 11:23

Has nobody read the part where ALL the rooms are either double or twin- so as a single person she'd be sharing anyway.

Why can't she have a double room to herself? It's not that unusual

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/09/2024 11:39

MrTiddlesTheCat · 16/09/2024 11:16

So many precious mums it seems. When I got married my mum slept on an airbed on the floor so she couldbe there. If your mum wants to see you get married she'd make it work.

Yeah, I would sleep on an airbed on the floor to be at my dd's wedding if that was the only option that would enable me to be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I just don't think my dd would ever be selfish enough to plan her wedding with so little consideration for her family and/or other guests.

MrsWhattery · 16/09/2024 11:40

Is there any other room that a bed could be moved into, eg a study or dining room that’s out of the way? Massive faff and if she’d still moan anyway it’s not worth it.

BookishFran · 16/09/2024 11:50

I think this is a case where there was perhaps slightly poor planning initially, but if you truly didn't think you'd reconcile I can see not wanting to go find a venue with an extra bedroom "just in case". Even if she feels put out, complaining won't help now so she has to just make her own choices with the options she has available.

What got me however was the comment of if she can't stay in the villa she isn't coming. Sorry but grow up. The options are your own room, not in the villa, or share a room but be in the villa.

It's up to your mum on what compromise she feels better about making but they're both perfectly fine choices for an adult. You're not asking her to sleep on an airbed or a tent out back because there's nothing nearby. A 10 minute drive (or taxi) the morning of the wedding really isn't a big deal if she wants to stay somewhere she can walk to the beach!

Caroparo52 · 16/09/2024 12:00

Could you offer your mum sole use of room and ask bridesmaid to take one for the team and go to nearby hotel with some of the other guests? You haven't got enough rooms. Would you go elsewhere? If dm refuses sole room then you have a solution.

Rubydoobydoobydoo · 16/09/2024 12:01

Completely agree. Her daughter has extended an olive branch and instead of graciously accepting it, and trying to create a positive relationship going forward, she's stamped all over it. It's clear she can only have a relationship with her daughter on her own terms, and it sounds like that means there can't be a relationship.

It's not an olive branch when the offer is to share a room in a villa where the mother will need to rely on the kindness of others for lifts to anywhere at all — because I live a ten-minute drive from the nearest village and I can tell you that it's not walkable or convenient for anyone without a vehicle. And according to so many women posting on here, the mother is supposed to be grateful for this. Are you expecting her to pay to share a room, too, OP?

Is this like the 'free' holiday I was invited on a few years ago? Free sofa bed (because I was an awkward single and not deserving of a room and a proper bed) but required to pay for flights, transfers, food and drink and trips (boat trip, evening in a posh restaurant, private tour of the local big city, wine-tasting day trip) where my host went free because we were all subsidising her? She'd done her sums, she'd engineered the costs. It was a free holiday for her, not for us.

Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:07

fridaynight1 · 16/09/2024 00:05

No, as mother of the bride I wouldn’t want to be sharing Why can’t this bridesmaid share with the other bridesmaids and your mum have her own room?

I only have one bridesmaid that's say our age, which is who my mum would be sharing with, then a bridesmaid and flower girl which are our 2 daughters.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:08

SinnerBoy · 16/09/2024 00:13

MuddlingThrough1724 · Today 00:07

YANBU. Given you've only just reconciled, if she wanted to maintain a relationship, she'd be grateful to be included at all in my view.

Oh, just entirely! She's trying to make it all about her; if it goes ahead, I think that in a few months, that Katthedog will have another thread about how her mother created drama out of nowt and ruined her wedding.

Yes, a worry!

OP posts:
catmothertes1 · 16/09/2024 12:09

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2024 23:50

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

I'm 62 and I would not go anywhere that involved sharing a room with someone because there was no other room for me.

Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:10

Pacificisolated · 16/09/2024 00:20

I imagine this sort of behaviour is why you weren’t talking in the first place. I don’t know what the solution is though. Would it be less painful to just cave to her demands and have her at your wedding? Or would it be better to be firm (yet fair) and tell her that she can either share a room or book accommodation elsewhere? I would be a bit worried that her behaviour is just going to escalate as your wedding day approaches.

I guess this is the problem. She said she doesn't want to book accommodation elsewhere (by a beach, which is where she wants to be) because she says she'll be on her own every night, but she also doesn't want to share.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:12

Terea · 16/09/2024 00:29

Gosh I have so many questions. Is she single because of divorce or did your dad die (if so I’m sorry). If she had a partner would you expect them to stay elsewhere? I know how I would feel, I am older than my daughter’s friends, I snore, I would not want to share for their sake! Is there somewhere she could stay within a taxi ride? Weddings abroad are not like ones at home, you do have (as the organisers) to make sure everyone has suitable
accommodation and I do get she’s been difficult but either you want her there and in your future life, or you don’t.

She's single as her and my dad divorced. Neither have been great parents at all, it was a struggle to get my Dad to even see me as a child! So he's not invited. It's quite a small wedding being abroad and when we booked the villa my mum wasn't in the picture because of behaviour like this I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:15

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/09/2024 00:35

Wanting to waken up and walk on the beach - your mother is confusing going on holiday with attending your wedding.

It is not about what she wants.
how much of this does she need to pay for ?
her flight
her flight and share of the room ?
Tho I expect as you have rented a villa that the cost of it is paid for by yourselves.

It would probably be for the best if your mother chooses to holiday elsewhere.

Tho you should probably have allocated her a room in the villa ahead of other members of the wedding party, or chosen a villa that was actually large enough for all the wedding party.

It is very polite of the chief bridesmaid to share with your mother, I bet she doesn't actually want to.

My bridesmaid absolutely despises my mother, she's watched my mothers behaviour for years having known each other since aged 3 and gets so frustrated. But yes she's happy to share.

The only other people in the villa are our children (one of which will be in our room!) and my partners sister and brother in law who he is way closer to than I am to my mum. The brother in law is best man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:16

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2024 23:50

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

Maybe, if you're really close to your mum and she's a reasonable person? What about us that have really difficult relationships with our mums and at the time of booking, we weren't speaking?

OP posts:
Paganpentacle · 16/09/2024 12:16

independencefreedom · 16/09/2024 11:35

Why can't she have a double room to herself? It's not that unusual

Show quote history

Where would the couple go that were supposed to be in that double room?
Her mum wasn't in the picture ( for entirely obvious reasons I suspect) when the hotel was booked.

Frankly... its not about the mum.

crumblingschools · 16/09/2024 12:17

If your bridesmaid despises your DM then I wouldn't be asking her to share. Does your partner have more family coming, if so, where are they staying? How many other guests are coming?

Are you doing the legal bit in England? Can your DM go to that and then stick with original villa plan without your DM?

Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:18

redalex261 · 16/09/2024 00:55

If she’s not paying and wasn’t in contact at the time of the booking she has no grounds for complaint.

Clearly it’s not her kind of venue being away from beach, shops, tourist areas. But it’s your choice. So it’s tough luck.
Perhaps suggest she flies out just for a couple of days instead of full stay so she doesn’t have to share and be far from the amenities she wants for too long? Surely she could cope with that for a couple of days? Obviously she won’t want to book somewhere she has to stay by herself for the duration either.

What is she expected to pay for? Can you offer the flights so there is no excuse for her to refuse? I suspect she’ll still knock it back because it may be more about the drama and getting her own way than cost, but she really couldn’t say a thing in that instance if she refused to come.

We're paying for the villa, she has to pay for flights

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/09/2024 12:22

your BM is an idiot if she has agreed to share with a woman she despises just for you.

That is more than above & beyond.

Just stay firm with your mum that it's sharing or nothing, and stick to it. I'm sure she's got the message that you don't really want her there, and that's fine.

And then don't engage and waste time discussing it.

Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:24

DaniMontyRae · 16/09/2024 01:56

Usually MN threads about weddings abroad have everyone saying how the bride and groom are selfish for expecting people to spend a lot of money and use up days of annual leave to go to abroad to somewhere they might not even want to go. All that plus having to share with someone you are not close to, I wouldn't be happy about going.

The location itself also sounds pretty horrible for guests. Having to drive everywhere, not everyone is comfortable driving in a foreign country or can afford the cost of a hire car on top of everything else.

Edited

To clarify about the location, we are putting on a bus for everyone to the ceremony and then the reception is at the villa. We then have arranged with the villa to provide shuttle services between midnight and 1am for drop offs but if they want to leave earlier they can with one phone call to the shuttle service from the best man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:25

marmaladian · 16/09/2024 02:12

Can she drive? Or will she be stuck in the villa the whole time and not be able to get out and about?

She can drive and we're hiring a car but said she doesn't want to drive in a foreign country which I understand. We're only staying over there for a week and we've said we are in the middle of planning some excursions etc for the day that she can come to and asked her what kinds of things she'd like to see too but she's not interested, her complaint is about sharing and not waking up and walking on to a beach

OP posts:
Brefugee · 16/09/2024 12:26

a week with no transport, 10 minutes drive from anything and sharing a room with someone who despises me?

you make it sound so attractive, OP

Original poster
Katthedog · 16/09/2024 12:27

junebirthdaygirl · 16/09/2024 03:11

My dd is getting married next Summer. I would be totally shocked if she told me l had to share a room with one of her bridesmaids. I know we have never fallen out and are very close but have a little bit of respect for your mom and get her a room for herself. Weddings are family occasions and casting her aside is such an awful way is shocking. I presume the grooms parents have their own room.

The grooms parents are not attending. His mum has sadly passed and his dad has decided he won't be attending with his partner (ironically he's very similar to my mum!)

OP posts: