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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my mum to share a room?

399 replies

Katthedog · 15/09/2024 23:47

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

OP posts:
C152 · 16/09/2024 08:21

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2024 23:50

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

I agree with this, particularly as you've had a rocky relationship in the past. Having said that, your mum is being unreasonable about wanting a location closer to the beach, as that's making the wedding all about her needs and not just being there to help you celebrate.

crumblingschools · 16/09/2024 08:21

Are there other guests who aren’t staying in the villa?

I think destination weddings are selfish so in this example both OP and mum are not acting brilliantly. I would also hate to share, both for me and also the poor bridesmaid.

Are you paying for everyone who is staying in the villa @Katthedog or are the guests in effect paying for your wedding venue?

ClockwiseHoneysuckle · 16/09/2024 08:23

I wouldn't share a room in a million years, but in this situation I'd just sort out a hotel room or other accommodation.

Cupooee · 16/09/2024 08:25

OP, your awful mother has form and she is consistent.

This behaviour will only continue and after the wedding you will bitterly regret allowing her foul selfish personality to spoil this special EXPENSIVE wedding.

Accepting she will not be there and that she just isn't capable of behaving like a normal decent person will help.

You cannot change her.
Start accepting who she is and you will have a more peaceful life going forward.

How will you feel at your wedding if she behaves very badly in front of your new in laws?
You will likely be mortified.

Take her refusal to go as a blessing. Give her bed to someone else and close this chapter of your wedding planning and move forward.

Dramatically limit how much you see her in the run up.
She only cares about herself and I would imagine will want to upset you as much as possible.

She can't help herself.
She is an ugly person who only thinks of herself.
Protect yourself and the new family you will build with your husband to be.

Jubileetime · 16/09/2024 08:31

Your mother does sound a pain but a venue where you need to drive to get anywhere sounds awful unless just for one night. I wouldn't be keen on sharing a room for more than a couple of nights. Your mother does sound rude and if you were my daughter I would go and not say anything but she may be saying what everyone is thinking

GoldenNuggets08 · 16/09/2024 08:32

Honestly I've been on quite a few hens where I've shared with rooms with complete strangers and just sucked it up for the sake of the bride - a person I love! The mother is being SO unreasonable to not share a room with someone she's known for 30 years.

@Katthedog how many nights would she be staying in the villa?

Scenty · 16/09/2024 08:39

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2024 23:50

I would not have planned a wedding where my mother didn’t have a private room. To me, that would mean the venue was unacceptable.

This. I think you are being unreasonable. I don’t know the back story though

MikeRafone · 16/09/2024 08:41

Id reply

Thats a shame you have decided not to attend my wedding. I understand that if you don't want to share a room that leaves you staying by the beach and getting a cab to the wedding, not being on your own is understandable - my only solution would be to suggest a cab each evening you are at the location so you are not alone or to bring a friend with you to Italy and then join us for the wedding solo on the day.

Give her validation you think its a shame
Give her a solution

Then its up to her

TBH if she is this much of a drama lama you do need to be firm with her

Floppyelf · 16/09/2024 08:41

she may have given birth to you but she is a parasite that will drain you of your energy. Not all relationships in life are good and you need to end some and move on.

Scenty · 16/09/2024 08:46

Floppyelf · 16/09/2024 08:41

she may have given birth to you but she is a parasite that will drain you of your energy. Not all relationships in life are good and you need to end some and move on.

Based on that post you say that - wow for a site for mothers, this place can be very anti mother

Loub1987 · 16/09/2024 08:46

I wouldn’t share a room but I would just book an hotel room. She is being silly and self centred.

knitnerd90 · 16/09/2024 08:49

I wouldn't like to share. But some of you are being absurd with the idea that OP should have planned her wedding around the possibility that she and her mother might resume contact in the future.

if OP's mum has rejected all the alternatives she's made the choice for you.

Icanttakethisanymore · 16/09/2024 08:52

She has 2 options - both are fine. She is being unreasonable.

alinetokill · 16/09/2024 08:53

If she doesn't want to share, she can sort her own accommodation out. Baring in mind you've only just reconciled, she should be grateful!!
Also, handhold op, my mum threw her toys out the pram because we got married on a Wednesday, said she wouldn't come... but she inevitably did in the end!

Peanuts2000 · 16/09/2024 09:02

I would have no issue with sharing a room with someone I knew although I've been told I snore! If there is a spare bed in the room then it's a shame it's not being used.
Unfortunately some people do make other people's weddings about them.

She sounds a bit like my mother who when invited to a weekend away with family, moaned about the location, etc. Not to other family members of course, just to me 🙄.

Out of curiosity, the location sounds lovely! Whereabouts in Italy is it, the south?

Fink · 16/09/2024 09:05

IMO, you both sound unreasonable:

you're unreasonable to book a wedding abroad and then feel aggrieved when someone, anyone, can't come. Destination weddings (if neither of you come from the place) are almost always about your day being special regardless of what suits your family and friends; and you're unreasonable for thinking that two unrelated adults sharing a bedroom is equivalent to a couple or a single parent sharing with their child.

your mother is unreasonable for expecting you to have foreseen this particular situation when you were NC at the time of booking (unless you have form for going NC and reconciling repeatedly, in which case it's on you), and she's unreasonable to refuse to consider alternative accommodation in the vicinity (unless she has some health condition or similar).

katepilar · 16/09/2024 09:08

Would you be able to move beds so that your mother has her own room?

She is likely to find other things to fuss about but as a mother of a bride I think she should have a room to herself.

ladylasagne · 16/09/2024 09:10

I don’t think YBU, in an ideal world you would have reconciled before you booked this place and would’ve been able to give her a room to herself…but it’s not worked out that way, and really as a grown adult she should be able to suck it up and deal with it.

From the way you describe her, she sounds quite manipulative and well…just messy. The fact she’d rather miss her daughter‘s wedding for the sake of sharing a room kind of says to me that she doesn’t care that much and is quite selfish.

I’d be asking yourself if I really want her at your wedding. I know you don’t want to regret not having her in those memories, but at the same time do you want your memory of your wedding day to be ruined by this woman. If she’s this much drama now, what’s she going to be like on the day? If she’s said she’s not coming, I‘d be tempted to leave it at that…saves having to find a way to un-invite her further down the line.

MadCatWoman7 · 16/09/2024 09:13

Why couldn't one of the twin rooms have been assigned to your mum as a single? That is what I would have done. Ask yourself if everyone in your villa is as important as your mum. My mother would have blown a gasket!

katepilar · 16/09/2024 09:13

MikeRafone · 16/09/2024 08:41

Id reply

Thats a shame you have decided not to attend my wedding. I understand that if you don't want to share a room that leaves you staying by the beach and getting a cab to the wedding, not being on your own is understandable - my only solution would be to suggest a cab each evening you are at the location so you are not alone or to bring a friend with you to Italy and then join us for the wedding solo on the day.

Give her validation you think its a shame
Give her a solution

Then its up to her

TBH if she is this much of a drama lama you do need to be firm with her

This sounds the best way of handling the situation.

Chessfan · 16/09/2024 09:16

MonsteraMama · 16/09/2024 00:09

I'd sleep in a bin behind Aldi to be able to be there for my daughter on her wedding day. I'll never understand how some mums are so comfortable making their daughter's weddings about them.

THIS OP, with bells on! I have parents like your mother, she's a horrible person who wants to ruin your day and make it all about her. Please think about permanently walking away. This will also get worse if and when you have kids.

I might sound a bit harsh but if you've experienced a life of genuinely narcissistic parents, you can see right through all this in a second. Mine try to attention seek at weddings including my own, always happens.

Enjoy your wedding OP it sounds like it will be amazing.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/09/2024 09:17

NewName24 · 15/09/2024 23:59

YANBU.

Just calmly stick to "We've looked at all possible venues and this one ticks the most boxes for us. We've booked it, and there is a bed for you as A has kindly agreed to share with you. I know it's not what you would choose, but that is where our wedding party is happening. Full stop. We'd like you to come, but understand f you don't."

Don't get into arguments or discussions about why you chose there, or any other questions. Just stick to the fact it is there and that is how it is.

This right here is how you deal with the nonsense that your mother is going on with. I mean if you hadn't reached out to her she wouldn't be going anyway so this is just guff and noise and her bellowing to try and be the one in the spotlight.

The wording that @NewName24 has suggested is perfect because, after all, the spotlight should be on you and your DH2b on your wedding day. You might also consider reminding her that at some point in the past she had her wedding day and this is about you and your H2B and if she decides she doesn't want to share a room so she can't share in your day, then that is her decision.

Why couldn't she stay in a hotel in a nearby town and avail of all of the facilities there and join you on your wedding day? What is prohibiting her from doing that?

Scenty · 16/09/2024 09:19

MadCatWoman7 · 16/09/2024 09:13

Why couldn't one of the twin rooms have been assigned to your mum as a single? That is what I would have done. Ask yourself if everyone in your villa is as important as your mum. My mother would have blown a gasket!

There are ways to do this - camp bed or blow up mattress on a parents floor would free up children’s rooms.

Weddings abroad are a nightmare for anyone attending - sure it’s the bride and grooms ‘dream’ but the expense, hassle etc is a pain for guests. And before anyone says you don’t have to go - well in many cases you do, there is an obligation.

Why can’t it be like the old days where you got married at home and if you didn’t want to do that, you just eloped.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2024 09:21

I’d probably want my own room if I were here - but I’d just find somewhere to book myself and make my own arrangements.

Wanting to “wake up and walk to the beach” is ridiculous- it’s your wedding, not her holiday, as others have said.

You definitely don’t have to move other guests around or change plans for her.

Chessfan · 16/09/2024 09:21

Scenty · 16/09/2024 08:46

Based on that post you say that - wow for a site for mothers, this place can be very anti mother

Show quote history

Not really. I can see how if you're used to generally loving mother's who can get cranky or particular, then of course you want to accommodate them...why? Because they're coming from a loving place ultimately. So I can see why you think it's anti mother of you've been lucky enough to have a loving one with good intentions.

Sadly for those of us with Uber narcissistic parents, you'll see through this particular situation immediately, and there isn't loving intentions or loving behaviours behind the mother of the brides actions, believe me. It'll be manipulation, bitterness and a major need to compete for attention that is driving it.